The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How do you go from saying out loud "I forgive you" to actually being able to let the thing go? Maybe it's different for each of us, but I'm really at a loss on how to do this. Some of you may have read my post about my ABF and his flirtatious texting with his ex (also in AA). I've reached the point where, we've talked about it enough, I am sure it has stopped, and I'm no longer sneaking behind his back to check his phone or facebook etc. I decided that I either trust him, or I don't. I do trust him. But this event has flared up my own insecurities, and now I over-react to little things. I don't mean to. I thought I was past this. But apparently, I'm still carrying resentment about it, and I have no idea how to let that go.
Any input, would be greatly appreciated...otherwise, thanks for letting me vent.
Rhiv
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~Rhivenn. __________________________________________________________________________________________ "You come to love, not by finding the perfect person...but by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly." ~Sam Keen.
Aloha Rhiv...just for me "getting it" the words and then the practice came like basic school work which I wasn't ever very good with. Listen to the word and the story behind the words. Ask more questions as needed which you have done here and then get the words into movement...down to my heart and then to my feet. The heart for a reason...If I ain't willing it ain't happening. Getting forgiveness into my heart sets me up to feeling compassion and then wanting to forgive; then it becomes practice; the walk. Walking the talk for me means being in forgiveness 24/7; a part of my character; mind...body...spirit and emotions.
Walking it...living it; same thing. Forgiveness is attached to ego and pride killing. I have to get the I down to proper size...i. If I'm the most important person on the planet there won't me much compassion, empathy and forgiveness coming from me.
I agree with Christie and JerryF. It is a process and takes effort and focus. I also found that working a 4 th thru 9th step on the resentments really did help a great deal
HP did for me what I was unable to do for myself
Keep on showing up
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 15th of February 2011 12:22:39 AM
Resentments started to go when it was pointed out to me that I had choices , for yrs i just let alcoholism take over my life , I never stood up for myself , I accepted crappy behavior over and over again and I never said enough . I learned that I taught people how to treat me by my silence so no one to blame but myself , I chose to stay I could have left at any time so again no one to blame but myself .. taking responsibility for my part in this mess allowed me to look at things in a different perspective and let go of the past ,its gone cant get it back or change it but I can make tomorrow better .. for me its an attitude , forgivness takes time and I had two people to forgive my husband and myself , today I have done both . Louise
Forgiveness as most people like to call it, is not about the other person. Grudges and resentments are about ourselves, because living with them hinders our growth.
Too me its not about even saying it to the other person. Alanon is about our own personal journey and growth and to become better humans.
Grudges and resentments cloud are judgements and affect every part of our life, like a poison.
Changing poison into medicine is a loftier way to live.
I have to agree with Bettina.... she hit it on the head.
I used to be the Queen of Resentment.... I was VERY good at it. But if there is one thing that I have learned in this program, it's ... Forgive... it frees YOUR soul.
I was raised by the Master of Resentment. After my Mother passed, I realized that resentments only hurt her. She passed away a very lonely, bitter woman. I did not want to pass that on.
Another thing that I have learned is: People will forget was you said, people with forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. And that is how I try to live my life now.
Thank-you for each of your insights - I appreciate it so very much. I relate to the idea of resentment being like poison, so I'll continue to work on setting this thing aside, and lightening my OWN load, rather than his.
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~Rhivenn. __________________________________________________________________________________________ "You come to love, not by finding the perfect person...but by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly." ~Sam Keen.
I am not that great at letting go of resentments (hence why I need a program of recovery all the time lol)....
Here's a couple of things that got passed down to me and I will pass them on to you
I have been told to pray for the other person. I have been told to ask myself if I really want to be the other person (in this case...would you really want to be sneaky and bordering on infidelity...no...so you can let go of the resentment by knowing you aren't like that yourself and are grateful for it) I have been told to believe in karma. (In the end...he has his own consequences and his HP will deal with him...If he deserves some sort of punishment or consequence it will happen by divine intervention and you don't need to worry about it). There are also many many sayings that are helpful regarding resentment. Someone's tagline on the AA board here at MIP reads "Harboring a resentment is like trying to throw a hot coal at someone with the intention of harming them. It is you who will get burned." I liked that one the best. I think it was attributed to Buddha.
Also...after having your trust broken...there is a shaky period in which a person is earning your trust back....this will take time and no amount of saying "I forgive you" or "I trust you" will make that time pass faster than your HP wants it to.
I was most definitely overinvolved with the ex A. I looked at his phone and tried to maintain some kind of knowledge about who he was with. There wasn't another woman involved but his growing involvement with friends and dealers and whoever.
Eventually I had to look at what a toll that took on me and put the focus back on me.
Over time I've been able to work on not being over involved with others. For me that was a reflex. In addition I've had to look at the steps to trusting someone. I threw my trust out there before. Now I look carefully at the individuals involved. I am not as open as I once was. I wanted so desperately to trust I plunged in. Now trust is a building block and something I evaluate a great deal.
