The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I keep telling myself: I can't control this. I can't control him. I didn't cause this. You all know the drill but none of it is giving me any comfort. I am so d*mn angry; at him, at my dad, at society(for whatever reason, I don't even know right now, LOL), and even at myself because it was my decision to start drinking wine over the summer and that led to AH hiding and drinking hard alcohol. I keep feeling that I brought this on myself and blaming myself so I really struggle with the 'I didn't cause this' statement from above. Now, I find myself in this pickle.
I had such a hard time just being normal around him yesterday when all I wanted to do was blow up at him and tell him what a fool he looked like and how pathetic he was. And, when I said something about him being hung over his response was just a stupid smirk and a giggle kind of like a child who gets caught stealing candy from the candy jar. I didn't see any remorse on his face. It was that smirk which says, "she figured it out, maybe I can laugh about it and make light of the situation". But, I interpret his laugh as a dig on how serious this was to me, to us.
Today is Valentine's Day and it was hard for me to even write 'I love you' on the card. I'm just boiling over with all this anger and even though I know I love him, the anger seems to precede everything right now. I'm just sad.
Oh, and the other thing that gets me right now is how do you love them? I know I do somewhere deep down but I feel so betrayed and I feel I can't trust again, so how do you look past the fact that they have put their desire for alcohol in front of their love for you or your relationship? I guess that's been a big one occupying my mind lately. How can he say I love you, yet do things that destroy the very foundation of our marriage? And, then I feel that if I accept it and try NOT to change it, then I am giving him the OK to drink? Yep, I guess that's what it is.
I really do want to know why, when given the ultimatum 'it's either the drinking or our marriage', why do they choose the drinking? Even though they profess that they love us? Now, this question is not geared towards my AH, by the way, this is about my dad. My mom gave my dad this ultimatum and he chose to drink and chose to make that his priority. Maybe he thought she was kidding or that she'd never follow through; but she did. My parents divorced when I was 19. Geez, I really need to find a good therapist! The last guy I had had the nerve to ask me if I'd had an affair or had cheated on my spouse?! Uh, hello? NO, and I don't get where you're going with this. How was that helping ME deal with my feelings today? And, this occurred after I had been to him about 4 times so he had a good base and history to roll with and I had never given an indication that I cheated. I mean, geez, the last thing I want is to have to deal with another person's sick broken mind on top of the mess I'm already in. LOL, not quite on my agenda, thanks anyway.
I truly understand the anger and rage you express. Owning it, discussing it with alanon members and a sponser helps to have it lift
Then I could see what was under the anger I think you hit on it in your share Sadness, disappointments, feeling s of Guilt etc. The Steps, have been setup in such a way as to address all these powerful issues
The fist hurdle to accept is that this is a disease . With an illness nothing is done to us. it is all symptoms of an illness Once that is firmly within your being the rest falls into place
Keep sharing.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 14th of February 2011 08:56:14 PM
In this program they say.. Came Came To Came to Be
I like to think of it that way with myself for sure. For so long, I just knew I needed help and that something was wrong. I went to multiple therapists and they all said "your normal". When I clearly knew I wasn't. I so easy to be 'normal', when all you feel is numbness/nothing. By the grace of god, a friend recommended her therapist whom I hit if off with (finally) and suggested I go to Al Anon. I thank my HP for that everyday. So I started coming... I was still numb. One day something just clicked and I suddenly felt as though a cloud had lifted. (Came to). I had all these feelings (still do!) and am realizing that it's OK to feel but to remember that feelings aren't FACTS. I'm somewhere in between Came To & adding the Be because I'm slowly learning about myself and working on my step 4. Just remember, things don't happen overnight and they can't change overnight. But if you keep working on yourself and focusing on you. All the other noise and feeling will fall into place and things will make sense. HUGS and keep coming.
Also, I do LOVE my AH, just not his actions/choices. Lastly, I've realized I love myself more. HUGS
You do have a right to your feelings. I hear you saying "I didn't cause this" but in the next breath you are saying "my decision to drink wine over the summer caused this." I can tell you from my own experience....your choice to drink normally did not cause him to drink alcoholically. You didn't cause this, you can't control this, you can't cure this. You only can control how you respond to it. I am not sure the goal here is to not care about him engaging in extremely sabotaging and destructive behavior. Detaching is to help you not try to futily control his drinking...it is not going to necessarily lessen the anger you have or take away the decisions might want to make about what to do.
I believe alanon is for you to turn the focus on you and you being angry is legitimate. I would be angry at the situation too. I was angry when my partner lied to me and would be plastered as soon as I got home from work...especially when he was 1 week out of the hospital...
I am assuming your not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself and dont have a sponsor ,the anger will not go away until you talk it out with someone else and i dont mean your husband , he is never going to understand how his behavior has affected yourlife any more than you will understand his compulsion to drink .. he is not drinking at you this is not personal and has nothing to do with his not loving you , this truly is a disease and at the moment it is running his life . His starting to drink again has nothing to do with you having a drink or wine , I suspect he had been drinking anyway you are not the reason this happened . Until I accepted the fact that I had choices all along and for the most part chose to do nothing and took responsibility for my part in the mess we had created I was an enabler actually helping him to drink . I did all the wrong things for the right reason and nothing worked until I started to live my life ,let go of the obsession of trying to fix him and got my life back . keep the focus on yourself and you will be just fine .
Can I ask a question here? There's a lot of talk about keeping the focus on myself and on distracting myself by being involved with ds, other people, charities, exercise, etc. Well, just this AM my AH complained that he feels that I'm putting other things before him and before our marriage. He says that he feels second place to our son. And, honestly, that may be true because I avoid AH sometimes because I don't want to know how much or if he's been drinking so it's easier to go out and do something else.
So, my question is: how do you have a successful marriage and make it a priority when you really want to focus on yourself? I have hardly any free time since I homeschool and our son plays competitive tennis(which, by the way, is the same sport my AH played in college and then he went on to become a tennis teaching pro in our early dating years) which takes up 4 nights a week plus every other weekend is a tournament. My AH supports our son's tennis completely and I try to make time for AH when ds has his tennis clinics(about 4 hrs a week). I come home, watch TV with AH, even have him go for a hike with me occasionally, etc yet he says we never talk. Well, what he actually means is; we never talk about how I feel about anything and that's because I'm tired of being the bad guy. I've decided to be more detached and I think he doesn't like it very much. I've decided to do things for me and I think he feels left out. I'm not sure I can truly fix this and I wonder if this is why so many marriages break up. I'm ready to move on for myself and for the future, but AH is mired in self pity, self loathing, and he's depressed about the future. He hates his boss, hates corporate America breathing down his back, and he's so filled with anger at his life that I wonder how we'll survive the future. I truly do 'take one day at a time', it's the only way I survive for ME.
The way you just described your husband is exactly the way I used to think about the world when I was drinking...self pity...angry at bosses, could never get enough attention from my partner.. Yah. Sounds like you are actually getting better and he isn't.
Pinkchip, he was like this while sober for 15 years, too. Actually, at this point in the game he's a pleasant and happy drinker. This isn't new and my feelings aren't new, this has been going on since we got married. He's very much 'the glass is half empty' while I see the 'glass is half full'. I think he relies on me for my positive perspective on life, people, the world, etc. As a matter of fact, if I get negative about a situation he'll look shocked and say, "Hey, I'm the only one around here that can talk like that. Since when did you turn into me?" And, we get a quick laugh out of it because we both know his shortcomings and my strengths and how we work together.
And, I want to set the record straight about my AH. I do love him, I'm just angry right now. We do have a good foundation after 15 years of working on everything together. I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly and I knew what I was getting when I married him. He is a great dad and very supportive husband and father. We all have our shortcomings and this is just one of those big life lessons that I'm continuing to learn!
When I think of puttting the focus on myself it doesn't mean in any way I ignore or treat my AW indifferent. I have to seperate the the disease from my alcoholic. It's hard sometimes. I love my wife, I don't love the disease. If I spend my time worrying, complaining, and stressing over the things I have no control over it is only going to make my life unmanageable. I've been there. It sucks and didn't change a single thing.
I had to change, but my changes were not to fix my alcoholic. My changes were to take care of myself first, and to allow my wife to deal with her problems without any interference for me. I had to middle it, with my serenity and peace of mind as my top priority. I have to do what is best for me, and in turn feel it is the best for her. I have to use the program and all its tools or the disease wins.
Their disease tries to blame us for decisions we make in our own best interest. If our alcoholics were standing on the outside looking in I think they would better understand. That's just not the case. Thus, we are left to always do the next right thing for us, keeping in mind that our active alcoholics will sometimes question us.
You explained in an earlier post reasons you can't attend f2f meetings, because of activities with your children, etc. But some how, some way finding one hour during the week to attend f2f meetings should be a top priority for you.
Give yourself that gift. Allow "yourself" to put the focus on "yourself" for that one hour, it will change your life........and your marriage.
HUGS, RLC
P.S. Your drinking wine did not cause your AH to start drinking again. We can't make them start.....and we can't make them stop. We are not that powerful. We don't give them the reasons to drink, they find them on their own. You can take that guilt off your chest.
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 14th of February 2011 07:12:33 PM
