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Have made the decision to get A to move out as our situation has gotten not very healthy for us or our four children. Now need the strength to carry my decision through, no excuses even though there are many I could use. I know my children are counting on me to be there for them and that A isn't going to realise or own anytime soon his distructiviness towards himself or us. I'm not sure what I feel, an emptiness, relief that I've made a decision, don't know how I'll get him to go yet, as the state has taken his license and so he doesn't have his own car, or house. I know they are not my problems but his. Just how do you get someone to leave when they don't want to or won't?
Hi, Shelley. Thank you for sharing. I understand where you are at. I recently separated from my husband and I know all about trying to get a partner to leave the house when he does not want to and makes excuses for why he can't move. My husband punched a hole in the wall, so I called the police and they made him leave. I could have asked him to leave but I probably would have gotten the excuses of no where to go, no ride, etc. etc. He stayed the night in jail and the next day he bagged a bag and couch surfed for a month and now he is at his mom's. My last long relationoship was also with an addict who refused to leave when I told him the relationship was over. I tried changing the locks when he was gone, but he came home as they were changing the locks. I did not know anything about boundaries back then so I allowed him to make me feel sorry for him and let him stay in a separate room in the apartment until one day he blocked the front door so I couldn't leave the house. I called the police several hours after it happened in order to have a report so I could go to family court to get him evicted if he did not leave. It took several weeks for him to finally go, but the threat of going to court finally got him to go. I don't know what the situation is like for you, but getting the police involved can definitely help sometimes especially if there is any kind of abuse going on. I wish you all the best and am praying for your strength to get through this.
I am wishing you strength. My own case was unusual, I think. My A agreed to go without any problem. I think he hated being nagged about his drinking (those were the days when I still believed I could make a difference through nagging -- now I know better). He was very secretive about his drinking so he had bottles stashed all over the place and he was always going into other rooms or the back yard or the garage to "take care of something," which was drinking, of course. But it was a hassle for him and I think he was relieved to think he'd just be able to sit on a sofa and drink without anyone to give him grief about it.
He has always been penniless -- he does part-time freelance work (by his own choice) and has never made over $20,000 a year in his entire life. And he's a compulsive spender, so he declared bankruptcy once (I think his debt was over $80,000). Then the credit card companies gave him more cards -- I don't know what those guys were thinking. Anyway, apparently despite the first experience he's back around $80,000 in debt again.
This is all to say that despite being penniless and in debt, he got an apartment -- it's junky, but it's not really awful, he likes it fine -- and been living happily and alcoholicallly on his own for seven years now. Being penniless hasn't ever stopped him at all. They have more resources than we give them credit for. They may have excuses why they can't do this or that so we have to do it for them. But when push comes to shove, they do it themselves. They use the guilt on us to try to get a free pass, but we shouldn't believe they're helpless. They're grown men, not two-year-olds.
If your A can be violent, I would consult a women's shelter about your strategy. If he's not, you might try the way I did: "We're fighting all the time about your drinking. I think we'd be happier if we lived separately." After I did this, I had a panic attack. I thought maybe I was jumping the gun and hadn't given him enough chances. And that I'd be helpless and devastated without him. In my case, as soon as he left I immediately felt that I should have done it much earlier.
Hugs to you. I hope you have a local meeting to help support you?
I cannot comment on how to get him to leave, for my ex went willingly. However, I want to share that I took my kids to my mom's when my ex was leaving, and my daughter has thanked me more than once for having them be gone. I am very glad I made that decision.
Its not easy, and good to spend some time thinking about it.
Meetings and prayer are good.
Glad you are here.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
