The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Things have been going well in my relationship with Alcoholic fiance. He has been making an effort to be sober. And also being very supportive of me with recent health issue I've been frightened about. Tomorrow we are supposed to go away for a night at a hotel for Valentine's day.
Now, he has just gone to the bar with one of his drinking buddies. (He did last weekend and had two beers, other than that sober 30 approx days - but AA only once every two weeks and therapist only once every 3 weeks.) We have plans to eat dinner later - not sure he'll come home in time for that, and in what state (sober or N/A beer or 2 beers or more? - all the old fear and anxiety and uncertainty come rushing back).
Anyway, I am pissed off and feeling manipulated/ambushed. I know he probably means none of this, it's the disease, whatever. If he drinks tonight I will feel like reacting. I am reacting already....I will feel like canceling our hotel reservation (we will be fined). I just don't feel like being taken for granted - does he think he can stop making an effort because now I am so desperately frightened and need his support, he thinks I won't follow through on the boundary I have set? He wants us to resume our wedding planning but he knows I said I need him to be sober to get married. If he goes out and drinks tonight (even a little) how am I supposed to interpret that?
I don't know what to do more generally. I feel so depleted myself not sure I can set more boundaries. Don't know whether/how I should/can react. I feel like i have no power. If it's not in my power right now to set more boundaries maybe there's no point in reacting about this....but I will be really hurt about all it might mean that he upped and went to the bar tonight.
Very distracted and trying to get work done. Feeling like s***. Also mad that he invited friend to come over before they left, with no warning, while I'm upstairs working in PJs (yes I know it's bad but it's Sunday and they're sweats)...so I felt too trapped/ embarrassed to come down to say hi politely, since I had no time to ready myself or the house for this visit (feel privacy invaded, maybe Alanon things or other private stuff had been left laying around). It's not fair, but I feel like I look like the crazy/inappropriate one because he made his friend yell "hi" up the stairs, and then I yelled back "hi" greetings but didn't feel like appearing in person. I didn't explain but why should I?
Anyone would be upset if they saw their Valentine's plans disrupted and that their partner was putting alcohol ahead of the relationship and the marriage plans. And yet ... alcoholics do what alcoholics do. They drink. When we expect them not to, we set ourselves up for resentment.
Not that we shouldn't mind the drinking. Of course we mind it. But -- I'm always reminded of something Jerry F posted on the boards: "The destination was printed on the ticket, so don't be all upset when you arrive there."
I don't mean to sound harsh (the saying makes me laugh, even while it totally describes what I've often done). But drinkers don't stop drinking without going as hard as they can into a program of recovery (and even then many of them just can't stop drinking). So he's not going to stop drinking under the present conditions. Can you be okay with that? If not, how can you protect yourself?
My AH was a binge drinker -- really bad for a while, then he'd be sober for months. So I'd start to relax and think "He really has stopped! Phew! I was really worried that he wouldn't!" Then the bingeing again. Then a long sober period. Then bingeing, bad, bad bingeing. I don't mean like he'd have a wild night out now and then. I mean passing out, secrecy, hiding bottles everywhere, DUIs, fines, trouble with the law, thousands of dollars disappearing. Then he'd be sober a while. It was so confusing, because in the sober periods it was like nothing bad had ever happened, and I'd get so comfortable again... Well, long story short, it's over 15 years later and he's still drinking. He'll be sober and then the madness will all start again. (But we're no longer together, so it's no longer my madness.)
The point I'm hoping to make is that since you can't control him, do figure out a plan to protect yourself. I'm sure others will have helpful thoughts. Hugs to you.
This sounds familiar to me. I can relate to being hurt by the A and then trying to decide if it was ok to be hurt by the A and if I could hold him accountable to it because after all he was an A and it's a disease and ... and... and....
I haven't been good at allowing myself to own my own feelings in response to a situation. The A world would be crazy to me and I'd try desperately to make some reasonable sense of it. Of course the only ultimate outcome was that I went crazy myself trying to figure it all, because of course, I never could.
The best way I found was to learn to interpret a situation based on my own judgements and feelings and then respond to my own judgements and feelings accordingly. Sometimes I had/have inappropriate responses, but it is a learning process. As time has gone on, I rely less and less on what the A is doing and more and more on myself and what I want and need for me, to live the life that I want and need.
Thanks Rora and Mattie for these great ESH. It turned out okay; he only drank N/A beer, and I feel grateful our plans weren't spoiled...but this doesn't detract from the fact I need to work on myself. It's a challenge to keep going when it's going well but I suspect this is the most important time to keep working at it. I like your suggestions: a plan to protect myself (for me this is ALanon and keep the focus on myself and improving my life) and trust and listen to my judgments and feelings. To work!
