"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

faith84 · Veteran Member

I am addicted to his addiction

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Faith:

You can become a master on alcoholism, it won't change your alcoholic unless he wants to change. I know you will get a lot of responses that will tell you this.

I lived with my ex-AH for 35 years, dated him for 2. Not long ago, before our divorce, I read every book I could get my hands on and spent countless hours online reading all I could find. I, too, was looking for a way to help him. It was all futile. After two 30-day rehab stays, he is still drinking and in very poor health. Had someone told me that this would happen, I would have laughed in their face - not my husband. Alcohol has a way of changing people for the worse.

Also, I would like to share something my counselor recently brought to my attention. By focusing on my ex-AH and looking at all the things that I did to enable him, it doesn't give me time or space to focus on my life. He asked what I wanted my life to be like. I had no clue, for I spent all my time focusing on him and hoping that he will change, even though we were divorced.

You will read it many, many times on this board: put the focus on you - the only person you can control.

I hope you continue to come back to this board. It helps tremendously.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Faith, a greater understanding of what?

Lets say it is pain pills he crushes and snorts up. So now what?

It does not matter what they take. They use to change how they feel into an artificial reality.

Two people can abuse the same drug and get different reactions. So symptoms don't always mean anything.

Like you said, we know we have no control over what they do. We need to let go of the madness.

What is happening to you, is exactly what happens to most of us when we love an A. The disease is making YOU sick.

Of course you are curious, want to know. I was there. I remember. All the obesssing about another persons behavior will get us what?

He has a disease. Just the fact that he is sick with addiction, and we have no control over it, releases us from giving it any energy at all. It's a waste of time.

There is nothing to understand. No matter what they take, we cannot rationalyze their insanity.

So when we realize we are addicted to them, we start on the 12 steps. We learn to let go, it takes practice. When we say I can't, I won't, I cannot stop making it the most number one thing in my life, we are telling ourselves negative reinforcement.

Its the same as oh I can't remember. Instead say, OH I will remember later. And ya will.

We start by changing the language we have in our heads. I would stop myself and say I can let go and let God. Its not my job to take care of A's illness.

I can love him, but his disease is his own. I can research other things I am interested in.

I will give him the dignity to make his own choices. As I want that in my life too.

Sending you hugs,deb

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

This reminds me of ME, when my sponsor had to (not so gently) tell me that I was still trying to control my A and/or her outcomes..... What worked for me, is I actually had to lay out a "schedule" of both recovery and non-recovery activities for myself - I was absolutely enmeshed in her recovery, and all that went with it.... Then I bounced to almost "overdo" my own recovery.... In the end, it helped me to learn how to do things for myself - both within my recovery and outside.... I got back to exercise, reading books for pleasure, etc., and the balance certainly did help....

Take care
Tom

DreamXL · Senior Member

Faith welcome and glad your here reaching out for others experience, strength and hope. All I have to offer is mine. You know when I got here I was fairly certain that my b/f was that "Special Addict/Alcholic" I mean what kind of an addict makes that kind of money, the most educated people in the world are unable to......... and deal with people on a daily basis, I mean it just wasnt possible. So the highly functioning addict...inbetween what I now see as almost auto-pilot functioning abilities was all the other stuff. What kind of drugs were they? i did all sorts of reading becasue I couldnt imagine how someone could function like this while washing them down with alchol to boot. I was just baffled, truly. I came to find what difference does it make, i mean what difference if you know the exact dosage, name , side effects etc...would it change anything Faith, no It wouldnt. Better yet, If I was able to uncover the "secrets" in his heart and mind as to why did he do this, would that make any difference either..no, it wouldnt. Really hard for me to get that the what's and why's dont change anything. It is a choice. Not a single thing on earth I discover will change any of it. He was living his life the way he saw fit, hey it worked for him. He knew he had a problem, said it often and when things got bad enough he would throw in im thnking of going to a meeting or a i will never this that or the other again.....blah blah blah...I decided to just beieve what I saw. Not read between the lines. Just believed what I saw. This led me to looking at myself and trying to figure out how in gods name I got in that relationship, now thats been a real eye opener for me. Get into you and out of him, I'm pretty sure he is focusing on his needs and wants and not yours. Glad your here, you will find yourself again :) blessings :)

faith84 · Veteran Member

WOW, thank you all so much for your responses! All of your words just completely hit home for me. They are the first to give me hope that it WILL be ok. It CAN be ok. When I first started this "obsession" of learning and reading all I possibly could about his addiction. All I felt was anger. Anger because everywhere I looked it felt like the words I was reading was telling me to completely forget about him and move on, move out, or end it. How could I do that?! That's why I am here, to "fix" it. To help him, to make him realize his worthiness to me. I can't just forget it and forget him. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe we are together for a reason, and perhaps that reason is my outreach to him making a difference, as no one else has been able to before.
Well, as I still believe that we are here and we are together for a reason, I understand that for my own serenity, I need to let learn to let go.
I was in Barnes and Noble today. I was looking for a book I could give him for Valentine's Day. Something on addiction. So, as I'm looking at the hundreds of books that may suit him, I saw a book on co-dependency. I started reading it and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Wham! I don't need to buy him a book for Valentine's Day, I need to buy one for myself! I absolutely fit the description of co-dependency. I think this may be the first time in a long time I have realized my urge to control him and his addiction. Your all right, it doesn't matter what he is on. How often, or how much. It matters that although I will continue to be here for him should he need me, and continue to love him. I HAVE to learn to back off, and love myself just a bit more.
Thank you guys so much, for giving me hope.
-Happy consumer over-related Valentines Day- :)

Cloudsea · Veteran Member

Hi, Faith:

I was moved by your last entry because I think you are right on target. I have been married for 22 years to a (now 6 months sober) A. About this time last year, I picked up the book, Codependent No More, and it absolutely changed my life.

I truly did not understand the difference between loving a person and living your life through them .... especially when the person you love is ill. Something is terribly wrong, and everything in us cries out --- we have to "fix it." The problem is that WE cannot FIX another person's alcoholism. It isnt like flu or the measles. We cant make it better simply by love and chicken soup or hot tea. But what we CAN do is to work on ourselves. And if you are anything like me, you have been neglecting yourself entirely while trying to make him better. Now is the time to look at what is going on with FAITH. What can you do to improve your life, health, serenity???

faith84 · Veteran Member

WOW Cloudsea, I am reading that same book! I have been blown away so far with the words I have read from that book because NOTHING has rang so true to me. Out of all of the books on addiction and self help that I have read, nothing sat with me well, except for this book. At first when I realized, Oh my God, this is me! It felt liberating. It made me sit back and think, Ok, I can do this, I can give him love without forgetting to love myself. It's not him like I so often point out to him, it is me. However, the more and more it hit me, it started to set in the depression. Because, although I cannot change him, or anyone else in my life I constantly worry about, the problem really lies within me. Everyone has the bullshit in their lives to deal with, it's your response to that bullshit that matters. So far, my reactions and responses have been all wrong. I have made things so much worse for myself (and for him) simply by the thoughts and actions that I have CHOSEN to posess.
So, you have read this book a year ago. How has it changed your life? Is it really possible to live with the addict and still keep the peace within yourself? Is it possible to love them and be HAPPY, knowing what they are doing to themselves?
Thank you so much for your response, and everyone else as well.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"