Yep Bonnie sometimes it's hard to separate the person from the disease. The disease has won most all the battles so the few times when we have the disease "hemmed-up" in a corner, with its back to the wall, the temptation is to much for us, and right or wrong we feel justified. I've been guilty also. I'm not perfect and I'm not proud of the times when I slipped off my Al-Anon shoes. My regrets always came as I slipped my shoes back on.  

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 13th of February 2011 12:58:49 AM

Well, what really ticks me off is how to determine what to tell our 12 year old son. For now, he'll probably believe the 'dad is sick' routine, but for how long? AH is drinking in private when we aren't home and so our son doesn't see him do it and I don't drink so we don't actually keep visible alcohol in the home. Anyway, my biggest concern is for our son. I can detach and ignore. I've done it with my dad, who also is an alcoholic and was verbally abusive to me. But, I feel responsible for protecting my son from his dad's poor behavior. Do I 'cover it up', make up stories, or tell the truth? If I tell the truth, then I'm admitting to my AH that I already know his secret and then I'm telling our son the same thing. I don't know, this seems the hardest part of all.

Also, I wanted to add that I'm a pro at detaching, but detaching with love is going to be tough for me. And, that's why I come here. And, I'm really frustrated with finding a meeting right now, they are all at night. My son plays tennis nightly and has matches scheduled during the week that run at the times that all the meetings I have seen occur. None of the other kids live near us so I can't ask other parents for a ride for ds, and AH travels a lot for business so I can't rely on him. I truly could not find 1 day meeting!!! And, I live in a major metropolitan area. The only day meeting I found was at 10 AM on Saturdays and since we travel for tennis tournaments on weekends, that wouldn't work out, either. Sigh, I'll get it figured out soon. I know I will!

Wow
thanks for that insight I am practicing this as I write this LOL, its hard alright but I found myself laughing also at things that are happening around the home since my AH has arrived home from a week long trip.

Keepn my mouth shut and detaching with love has been actually very peaceful inside and out Yay! Practice practice practice and Live and Let live! OMG cant believe I'm able to do it,keep my mouth shut.

Dont get me wrong my head is still talking to me, no screaming at me to say this and that every time I look at him when hes not looking. BUT I just say its the dis-ease thats taking from me not him. hes actually quite peaceful, not complaining too much.he tried to be grouchy and I just said Im not having this conversation with you. AND whatta ya know viola he stopped. No audience! geez its much less draining this way....although I cant seem to stop my head from saying you know he was out with so and so, talking, flirting to this person and that person (referring to females). But as life goes on I bring it to " Let It Go". it dont change anything.

Oh yes the only thing I did state was its pretty lonesome around here lately AND his response was LOL " whatta ya gonna do about it?" I about choked and didnt respond. and havent.

Thanks for all your insight! It helps !

***hugs***
Rosemary S. (Alaska)

Thank you, Bettina. See, I was thinking of saying something like this tomorrow AM: "How you feeling this AM? Hmm, not good? You know, you quit drinking once. You can do it again if you want to. Just saying, is all." And, then leave it at that. No accusations, no power struggle, no confrontation, just a suggestion to him that I know what's going on and that if he actually wants to quit again, that I'm behind him and that he can do it(if he would ever choose to do so). I know he has to get to HIS bottom, wherever that may be.

Lately, I've been really frustrated and it's not just b/c of the drinking. I am a homeschooling mom and gave up my career to stay home. I love what I do and I don't want to lose it so I keep thinking that I am so reliant on AH for income, a roof over my head, health insurance, etc and it really bugs me. I also know that my son's life and homeschooling situation really depend on AH's income and support. I guess I'm just afraid that if AH keeps drinking, that he'll jeopardize our lifestyle and I know it's selfish but right now I have no family here, no financial support for myself other than him, and very little friend support.

You know what's funny? I had a friendship that I let go of abut 2 years ago. She was very caustic and I found that we had a very one sided relationship, but I remember her calling me and telling me about how she'd find empty beer bottles hidden in her kids' rooms or on their boat. Or, how she'd find her husband swaying as he walked down the hall and she sipped his drink and found it was vodka, etc. He had a few drunken rages and she once took the kids to a mutual friend's home for the night or she'd call me at midnight crying because he was drunk again. Now, that I am back in this situation, there's a part of me that wishes she was back in my life. But, I know she wasn't a healthy individual yet I've mourned her friendship for the past 2 years. And,not only was she toxic but her son was my son's best friend and he was physically dominant to my son. The last straw was when her son 'accidentally' tried to strangle my son and my son came home with rope burns on his neck after having spent the night at their home. Anyway, don't know where I'm going with this except to say that I now know how she felt and that I should have suggest Al Anon to her. I do know that she and her husband went to counseling last year and I pray that things are better between them.

My son is 9, and when my mom drinks and he has questions, I tell him the truth. I explained alcholism generally to him as a disease, and have tried to make sure he understands when other people are alcoholics, they are not bad people. Rather, they are sick people. I encourage him to tell me how he feels about it if he wants to, just so we have an open dialogue. My mom drank when I was a kid, and it was a huge secret. If I ever asked my mom or stepfather, they both denied there was a problem. I grew up not really sure what to believe, because the things the authority figures said were not the same as what I saw with my own eyes.

Just my .02.

This is my experience.

I found myself crying as I read this post. This man is horribly ill. What if he had a brain tumor, was having a diabetic hypoglycemia attack?

"dad is sick "routine?"I don't see it as a routine. He is very sick. Our kids will follow our lead as how to survive with a addict loved one. I don't find it funny, it killed me to see someone I love staggering, knocking things over, slurring.

He is an addict, born this way, he did not choose it. They cannot just decide oh I am not going to use today. They  wake up with the first thing on their mind that they "crave" to use. They crave to figure out how to get money to get it, to go buy it, to drink it and as they are drinking it, thinking how they will get more.

I know for "me" it made me horribly sad to see my A falling apart from using. He, as a younger man was beautiful. No one could play a guitar like him, he was one of the few who could play a slide guitar.

He was kind, took care of orphans in Thailand. He gave four years of his life for his country during the Viet Nam war!

This is a disease, no different than any other.

Your subject asked to help you to shut up. I am not trying to do that. I am only sharing my experience.

Compassion goes a long ways. When I learned the truth of addiction, I changed so much how I looked at my AH. I did not baby him, as I learned that helps the disease. But I knew he was and is terribly sick.

And that disease stole my sweet husband from me. Turned him into a monster.

This is my esh. love, debilyn

-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 13th of February 2011 10:31:32 AM

Oh, and I just had to share that the lie of the day is: ' I was dehydrated yesterday from doing yard work for 3 hours.' So, when I leave today I'll be walking out the door and saying, "I hear rhodiola is great to take if you're hung over at all, have a great day and we'll see you later."

I pretty well agree with all the replies here.  Especially about telling your son the truth.  Kids know something is wrong.  He needs to know what is happening to his dad..and also his mom.  We get as sick as the alcoholic if not worse.  One of the things I did after I got into Al-Anon when I wanted to scream, be sarcastic, etc...was to stand at the sink and drink glass after glass of water because I couldn't drink and scream etc at the same time.  It saved many a "wars"!  It also gave me time to think and say a prayer.
Love and Peace in the Program!