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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Dreading Monday
Post Info TOPIC: Dreading Monday
bekind


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Dreading Monday
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I have been reading the posts here and it is really helpful.  I have a 22 year old child that is an alcoholic. There is a court date Monday and I am sure my child will be going to jail.  My head tells me this is not a bad thing, but my heart is really struggling with it.  We have enabled the drinking by paying lawyers and fines for drunk driving arrests.  She has failed one rehab attempt - that was the result of an untimatum we gave her.  Her dad and I have been to a few al-anon meetings but we weren't ready to accept that we could not help her.  I am in a better place now than I was a year ago, but I am not ready for my child to go to jail....even though I know she will at least be safe and sober.

I am glad this forum is here, it is helpful just to have somewhere to "talk"

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canadianguy


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Welcome to MIP and glad you found us....
Tough situation for all, to be sure... maybe you can change your perspective just a bit on Monday, and look at it in the way of "there is no bad result".....  if she goes to jail, the days of her 'soft landings' are gone, and she has the opportunity to hit her bottom, and choose to get better...... if she doesn't go to jail, she has another opportunity to still face her reality and demons, and get herself healthy.....

I'd encourage you & her Dad to stick with your respective recoveries as well.....  your daughter will need your (non-judgmental) love going forward, and it won't always be easy....

Keep coming back...

Tom

p.s. Toby Rice Drews has written a great book - "Getting Your Children Sober" - it might do you a lot of good....

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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
RLC


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bekind,

Welcome and I'm glad you found the site.

Your daughter is in a safe place. Until they suffer the consequences of their choices without someone catching them and allowing them a soft landing usually nothing changes. We love our kids, but we can literally love them to death while thinking we are helping. Nothing changes when nothing changes. They become our addiction over time and our "trying" to help them in the long run is actually hurting them. Allowing them to suffer from their bad choices without any interference form us is the best thing we can do for them. Maybe your daughter going to jail is a blessing in disguise. It will give you and your husband time to work on you. Please get back to as many Al-Anon meetings as you can. You now realize what we all had to find out for ourselves, that we can't fix them, control them, or cure them. They are going to do what they are going to do, the disease is just to powerful. All we can do is try and fail.

Put the focus on you. The disease makes us as sick or sicker than the alcoholic without us realizing it. Change your addiction from your daughter to working on your own recovery. You deserve it.

bekind, your not alone anymore!!

HUGS
RLC





-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 12th of February 2011 09:19:00 PM

-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 12th of February 2011 09:20:41 PM

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hotrod


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WELCOME BEkIND

I TOO AM GLAD THAT YOU FOUND MIP AND HAVE RECEIVED SUCH WONDERFUL EPERIENCE, STRENGTH AND HOPE

I JUST WANTED TO ADD THAT YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER WILL BE IN MY THOUGHTS AND  PRAYERS ON MONDAY.


PLEASE REMEMBER TO "BE KIND " TO YOURSELF. 

TRY TO REST, BREAK THE ISOLATION AND KEEP COMING BACK


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Debilyn


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Please don't blame yourself. She had the disease no matter what you did.

Jail, sadly is part of the journey of a using A. Hopefully she will learn as the next step is prison.

My ex AH was in jail and prison for over two years. I will share with you, it's important for family to be a part of their confinement. The jail staff are more careful with prisoners who have family who will speak out if there is any injustice.

My A got moved in a cell/room with an insane murderer.  (prison) My A is a drug user, not a criminal. I found out, called the prison and let them know how inappropriate this was and how A had just got done doing radiation and chemo.

They moved him. The staff asked him if he had family who would have made this happen. He said no. He had no idea I did it.

Anyway yes I hate thinking about how much you both hurt inside. I do hope she sobers up and can think clearly. Hopefully be able to get herself on a program of recovery.

Its a stong compulsion for them. They need AA, detox, rehab etc. Just not using is not always enough to snap them to want help.

Day at a time. Do your best to think of you and what you need. I hope you can get to meetings. Keep coming here.

love,deb

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Janin906


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Your post brought back a lot of old memories.  I too was in the same poisition in the courtroom for my son to be sentenced, watching him taken in handcuffs to jail.  Thank my HP for the strong "nudges" to go back to my second meeting.  The first one was 4 years earlier.  By that time, I had a few years in Al-Anon.  It was heartbreaking to go through, but it was his problem.  I can't remember how old he was then.  I no longer keep a list of who did what when, etc.  I think he was in his early 20's.  Now he is in his mid 40's and doing well.  He is an exceptional dad with his two boys, one of them is handicapped.  As others have posted, "when nothing changes, nothing changes".  My son has often told me that when I closed the "Bank of Mom and Dad" and stopped helping him, was when he had to accept the consquiences of his actions and it was really hard on him.  But he also said that was when he went on to get the help he needed.  Today we have a wonderful relationship.  I don't kid myself, I know it could be over in an instant, but Just For Today......I will now dwell on the "what ifs"...
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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