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I was online reading info about emotional abuse last night. Dont know how it came up, Creator I suppose Started to cry out to the Creator, I think becuz I'm in denial that I'm living it today. TO ME!!....how cud that be?!Never thought I wud find myself even askn the question. Trustn my intuition is not always a comfortable process..... Dont want to see it idk? Scary though. I'm thinkn how could I think like that about my AH? We've been married since 10/09, known each other since 1987 with long absences in between. the first man I loved back then and still do. well intimacy comes and goes as of lately. But after reading all the signs and symptoms well gotta say.....darn it. I moved to a remote village in North Alaska and gave up everything of course hoping for the best ....my job, apt, furnishings AND the biggie my first grand girls to be born in April sigh....grrrr.
~My thinkn is skewed and dont trust it right now.....now I'm feeln as though it was not a good decision for me or my 5 yr old son, his stepson.
Idk??? any thoughts on emotional abuse and if anyone has experience they could share how to handle the thoughts, feelings that go along with it?
Feeling like I need to go to treatment for addictive personality disorder or sumpn geez. I have been in the program since 2003 and havent grown much in this program enough to keep myself outta poor relationships.
rambling.....thanks for letting me share. Please dont give up on me.
The funny thing is I wud have never made a statement as the following if it wasnt for this program so it does work if I just get outta of Creators way.....I am grateful that my AH did come into my life to help me grow closer with the Creator and kick me into overdrive into the Al Anon program to meet new friends! So yes God does for Us what we cannot do for Ourselves.....Help?
****all my relations ****all my love ****all my spirit quyana (Alaskan thank you ) Rosemary S
Rosemary, I started crying when I read your post. I myself have been through and am still going through emotional abuse from my alcoholic. I am currently in therapy for that issue and alanon for the issue of dealing with an AH and protecting myself in the future from the diesese. I also have known my AH for a very long time 15 years to be exact. We dated on and off for the last five years. Our last break was over a year. But, he came back, he said he worked his program he had changed. Prior to that we had a terrible break up. Myself esteem no longer existed. He made me feel as if I was not good enough, if I were the one with the problems, he with held sex from me, he did so much damage. At the time I didn't understand why, he was in AA he was is his first year of sobriety. He was nicer when he was drinking. So I thought long and hard about working things out. He proved himself to me over and over. He told me I was beautiful and he loved me. I made a it clear he would not disrespect me. I was planning on moving to a new city but I stayed for him, for love. But, all that changed in six months time he was back to his old emotionally abusive ways. Still sober three years to be exact. While this time he never commented on my looks it was still bad, although not as bad as the first time. This time he attacked me by saying he didn't love me, we didn't have a romance for him to chase me in the beginning, He couldn't trust me, I wasn't the one and he needed to find her. I have cried a lot the past 60 days. I had been out of therapy for over a year. But I was so emotionally broken down again I am back to seeing my shrink once a week. I lost weight, I can't sleep, I feel numb. Alanon helps and life's distractions do as well. But, in my opinion the emotional abuse is the worse side effect about being in a relashionship with an AH sober or not. Having your spirit broken to a pulp is not easy to fix, if he would have ever hit my face it would have healed. But, the words he spoke to me with such disregard will stay with me forever. I still love my AH with all my heart, he is my best friend. I hate being apart from him. Yet I know I can't subject myself to anymore trama to my emotions at this time. Alanon helps me face the fact that he is sick and I can't cure him. I thought I could for a long time. It's good you have a higher power, that is what I struggle with. I have lost my faith and I feel like my HP lost my address. But one day at a time, isn't that what they say. Good luck and stay strong.
Glad you are here. I married my AH in 9/09. Moved myself and my children to be in his world. I knew him from a long time ago and have loved him ever since then.
Emotional abuse for me was taking place because the rules were always changing with him. He would say one thing and do another. Everyday I was walking on eggshells because I didn't know what to expect. I literally could not function when he was around which turned into more disrespect from him and myself too.
I am recovering from the damage. We have been separated for over a year now. In a book I read called "Getting Them sober" it said in there that by now he probably has you convinced that you are a lousy cook, mom, lover, etc. When I read those words I cried because I knew that I had allowed this man once again to break me down.
It has taken support from this MIP board, my al anon group, sponsor, friends and family to tell me that I am worth it. The only problem is I still have trouble beliving it, yet there are things that I am doing to improve.
I make an effort to pamper myself. I like to take naps when I have the time. I like to pray until I go to sleep. I like to read books. I just finished Harry Potter #4!! Because of things I have read from Al Anon, I am able to go buy something just for myself. I have neglected myself in this relationship because I took care of everybody but me.
Hope that you keep coming back and know that you are not alone
Unfortunately, being in a relationship with an alcoholic is being with an emotional abusive person, no matter how you try to change it. It is what it is.
Until you stand up for yourself and put boundaries into place, it will continue.
It may not stop the drinking but your life will get easier. With 28 years of experience with the disease, I found the boundaries are what saved me emotionally and the art of detachment. All learned in Alanon and for my self preservation, which is utmost.
You will find that once you implement the boundaries and keep enforcing them and dont allow them to chip away at you and call them on it every time, they will know not to go there.
Thats when he decided to take up with another woman , so he could undermine her and appear superior. He had twins with this woman and ended up hating her because she was a doormat. No matter what , we have no power over anybody and that includes a diseased alcoholic whose mind is infested with warped thoughts and actions.
You cant analize it away or rationalize it away. It takes action on our parts. We must be warriors for ourselves. This disease as Ive said before will mow you down. It has a false sense of power and until you recognize it , you will continue to suffer. Sorry to sound so militant about it. I had a militant sponsor and glad I did. if your not for your own life, who will be.?
Keep coming back and stay with Alanon, its the only truth...
Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 11th of February 2011 05:51:07 PM
alcoholism just by its self is emotional abuse , the relationship is based on a needyness to be needed and we are willing to put up with alot to stay in these situations .. the alcoholic relationship is blame and shame based , also a come here go away we never really know where we stand in this mess ..the come here stage for me was wonderful , the go away confusing everying is on the alcoholics time table his needs mine dont count . its not about blame its the nature of the disease , this is a very selfish disease ,its always about them . We begin to question our own sanity as we listen again and again to the rages of the alcoholic blaming us for all of thier problems etc a part of us believes what they SAY we are and eventually our self esteem and self worth go down the tubes , we no longer trust what were seeing and hearing emotional abuse you bet we have all been there .
alcoholism just by its self is emotional abuse , the relationship is based on a needyness to be needed and we are willing to put up with alot to stay in these situations .. the alcoholic relationship is blame and shame based , also a come here go away we never really know where we stand in this mess ..the come here stage for me was wonderful , the go away confusing everying is on the alcoholics time table his needs mine dont count . its not about blame its the nature of the disease , this is a very selfish disease ,its always about them . We begin to question our own sanity as we listen again and again to the rages of the alcoholic blaming us for all of thier problems etc a part of us believes what they SAY we are and eventually our self esteem and self worth go down the tubes , we no longer trust what were seeing and hearing emotional abuse you bet we have all been there .
I feel so sad because your last paragraph rings so very true for me at the moment and how I feel about how things are with my partner and her drinking.
Aloha Rosemary...you sound pretty lucid...awake to me about where you are at in regard to this disease and what you have done. My sponsor use to ask me questions when we realized I was "coming to...". He would ask, "Now what?". It was a question I should use to seek and accomplish change. I believe you know more about how it hurts emotionally than you've mentioned here. In support. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks everyone for your honesty, militant or not.
I am as sick if not sicker than my AH and need to have it said bluntly to me otherwise I will continue to keep tryn to do it myself (analyze every possible easier way) LOL. All my great ideas got me where I am and its not such a great place to be in the midst of active alcoholism. I give it over and take it back as you can see, I'm good one day and the next well not soo well. darn I wanna get this thing as I can see serenity from some of you.
So I continue to strive to be as someone stated in another post to be "teachable" ugh! I thought I knew everything just couldnt figure out why I was always in emotional pain....geez. Anyways its a difficult journey to walk the red road of Mother Earth and trust that all things are happening the way it supposed to....(clenching my teeth on that one). I just cant seem to let go, its not time and its tearing me up at the moment....tired from the wheels spinning in my head, thinkn about how to go about practicing boundaries and being loving.
Its so strange to want those things from him and yet I'm either unwilling or incapable at the moment as I'm sure he isnt capable either! Gee. My serenity is at an all time low. Now this is where I practice one minute at a time. I'm exhausted and cant seem to enjoy the evening. He was on a bender last weekend, then left Monday for a business trip and called me every night complaining, only to be scheduled to come home today and of course dint.
All I heard were excuses during the 6!!!! phone calls I rec'd from him today when he needed to talk and then when I tried to tell him with love in the last phone call following his decision to stay in Fairbanks tonight how I felt, his response was 'Honey i gota go, love you and hangs up'. And I havent heard from him since. I'm seeing the pattern where someone said its all about them. In another post "to be loving even if I'm angry"... ugh! All I can think about at the moment is hes goin to a bar where he will probably be charming other women idk....drives me nuts. i know thats my stuff but Ive been hurt in this area before and I'm having to make a decision to leave this place. I love the comment "we need to be warriors for ourselves"
I do not have a car here cuz the Yukon river is frozen, no barges running to get my truck here, no friends to visit cuz everyone is a drunk, and the ones that dont drink have built a wall around themselves. I'm so isolated. thats why I asked the question re: emotional abuse....he got me out here only to leave me alone....Wanna go back to Anchorage! Going back and forth with it. And to top it off I prayed yesterday to have my finances back on track and whatta ya know I get a job offer today while I'm contemplating leaving this village of 550 people.....
I hear the 3 c's, detachment, acceptance and boundaries whirling around in my head....and I dont have a sponsor? Can someone straighten it out and put it into its true perspective? Still rambling I will until I make a decision, sorry letting go is so difficult and I've been wrestling with it this past week. And I dont wanna do it but need to. I cant do this alone and cant keep this stuff in my head. so thanks for allowing me to have a place to ramble. I have no where else to go. emotional, physical, mental, spiritual are floating in a river, current is strong
Rosemary you have many questions, worries, and concerns. You turned one concern over to HP and received and answer with a job offer. It works. Why not turn your remaining questions, worries, and concerns over to HP and don't take them back. Allow HP the opportunity. I have been amazed when I do just that, turn it over and stay out of HP's way, how he handles and works out my problems. Give it a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. More important you will be able to put the focus on Rosemary and that is where the focus should be.
RLC Yes I know I have alot on my mind and thats why I put it out there. I need to do very little, OMG. Not familiar with that. Thanks for your honesty! Keep us in your prayers.....;D
Started to cry out to the Creator, I think becuz I'm in denial that I'm living it today. TO ME!!....how cud that be?!Never thought I wud find myself even askn the question. Trustn my intuition is not always a comfortable process..... Dont want to see it idk? 
Scary though. I'm thinkn how could I think like that about my AH? We've been married since 10/09, known each other since 1987 with long absences in between. the first man I loved back then and still do. well intimacy comes and goes as of lately.
So yes God does for Us what we cannot do for Ourselves.....Help?
