The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I'm very conerned about my husband and his drinking. I'm not sure if it should be classified as problem drinking, but it's becoming a problem for me. I worry that my perception is sweked since I don't drink at all - maybe I'm overreacting and have no frame of reference? I don't know.
I do know that my husband has been drunk four nights this week... and today is only Friday. He has been drinking every night this week and I'm sure tonight will be no exception, since it's the end of the work week. Usually he drinks three nights a week, and he got a DUI a few months ago. Since his licence is suspended, he's been drinking A LOT more. I thought his DUI would be a GOOD thing. I picked him up at the police station and he was very upset. He was humiliated by it, very emotional, talked about getting help... but he was still drunk and remembered very little of that conversation the next day. Now, almost four months later, he and his co-workers are drinking almost every night and I'm scared.
I'm struggling to handle my own thoughts and emotions about this and I'm clueless as to how to approach it with him. Is there a gentle way to bring up the fact that this is bothering me? What can I do to help us both?
I am also new to this site. I can't tell you what to do but I can relate to your story and tell what I have learned. First, if his drinking is a problem for you and for your marriage then it is a problem. Period.
I have tried "gentle" and gotten nowhere. I try to think of alcohol with a capital "A" - it is my foe and it is a formidable one. If the Alcohol wins then I lose my husband.
Once I told him very straight out that I am convinced that he is addicted, I also told him I would no longer participate, enable or police. He is on his own. This is not easy to do. (the telling or the doing)
Then, I got some good books on Alanon and codependency, set up an appointment with a therapist who specializes in addiction recovery and got to an Alanon meeting for myself.
I will not pretend I am not afraid. I am. On my bad days I think he's already gone. So far, he has chosen to continue to drink.
Ask questions here - and get to a meeting. There are many who have walked in your shoes and they are just waiting for you to arrive.
God Bless -
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
For what it is worth. I don't think your perspective is off. A non-alcoholic would slow down or stop drinking after a DUI. Alanon meetings would be for you and keep your own piece of mind regardless of what he does with his drinking.
I don't know what to tell you on how to approach him about his drinking. I can only share my own experience and that is that whatever approach I tried, (concerned, sympathetic, helpful at first, then angry, frustrated, and sometimes even mean) none of them worked. I understand your thinking that the DUI might be a good thing. For some people it is, it's the wake up call they need to admit they have a problem and do something about it. But for others it takes a lot more than that before they ¨hit bottom¨ and get help for themselves. And they have to want to help themselves. You (we) can not do it for them. I do know that finding alanon and this board have been a great help to me. I have learned so much here and my life has gotten better even though my ah still drinks. I suggest reading some of the other posts and replies here. And reading and learning as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism. I've never been to a face-to-face alanon meeting (there are none around where I live) but I do attend the online meetings here and I always get something useful from them and feel better afterward. I´m glad you found this place, keep coming back.
welcome , It only takes one person to change to create change the best way to help both of you is for you to find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , there is no way to gently say that his drinking is causing you a problem if hes not ready to deal with it , you have a right to tell him how u feel just dont expect it will change anything .often when the non drinker starts recovery the alcoholic will follow , no guarantees but it does happen . it really dosent matter how much he drinks what matters is how it affects you when he does and that Al-Anon can help u with . please find meetings .do it for you
-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 11th of February 2011 07:59:00 PM
Abbyal said exactly what I would say. You have many choices and they all involve attending al-anon meetings, whether in person or here in our room...in my opinion and experience.
When a loved one's drinking becomes a problem for you....we are here for that very reason.
When my alcoholic fiance was drinking behind my back I was sick with worry. I became so obsessed with his drinking. Inside I was dying inside but I said nothing because I was afriad of an argument, afriad of losing him.
Drinking always lead to drug use which scared the S%$# out me. When I finally caught him I had to tell him to leave. The safety of me and my child had to be the first priority.
If you choose to tell your husbnd how you feel and about your concerns, I believe Al-Anon suggest that you never confront them while the person is intoxicated. I wish now I would of expressed concern while he was clean and sober.
I started going to Al-Anon a month ago. I am still learning. I've started reading the literature. I some time go to open AA meeting to learn about the disease and gain a perspective.
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Take it one day at a time. If that is too much take it a minute at a time.
