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Hello, I have been on here before, but never been to actual treatment, I just wanted to share what I have written about my AH.
"I feel selfish sometimes for being sad about my life, because so many people have it worse. There is starvation, death, murders and shattered dreams, but no matter how much my pain lacks in comparison it is still very real and very felt.
I wonder how many people would take my place, but, I also wonder how many wouldn't.
I feel so desperate and betrayed and I have a sick feeling in my stomach all the time. I feel lost in this world and I feel as though I am in a never ending revolving door. The same old rut, day in and day out.
I deal, I go threw the motions, the good versus the bad, the love followed by the hate and back and forth. These days it feels like nothing at all, a numbness, an obstacle to get over each and every day.
I have wasted so much time, so much of my life waiting for a change in someone else that I no longer have the strength to go on, and the more I look away, the more it comes right back around to remind me.
I gave my permission to be in pain a long time ago. I said that I forgave him the first time, and that was all it took, I pretty much just gave permission for it to happen again and again and again.
It is funny that all those times I was putting my foot down, I really was just giving permission over and over, every time I didn't walk out that door. I was just holding my foot higher and higher and just letting him walk right under it.
I layed in bed last night lost in all of my bad memories. Then I tried to think of all the good ones, but sadly either, I was too angry, or there were not enough to really remember.
I have been changed so much, I remember when I was care free and so full of life, how I used to love to ride shot-gun in the front seat, and how I loved to kiss and hug, until kissing and hugging became more like a drunken demand and before I became a designated driver.
They say that you only think that you are holding your sad little life together by being super controlling over your AH, but really it has spun so far out of control that the control feels like is is your only shred of hope, and denial keeps you thinking that you have some control.
A huge burden lies there, making sure that you don't leave him alone too long, or make sure they eat, or controlling the amount of beer being bought at the store, or making sure you are available to drive on the next beer run. your whole life turns into looking for the look, the smell and the other signs of drunkenness.
I gave up on going out into the world. I learned not to take my AH with me anywhere, I learned not to go on vacations with him or travel anywhere too exciting because the alcohol would ruin it.
I learned that I can't have friends because when we are hanging out, my AH will show up drunk, I learned to watch him extra closely in family gatherings to make sure he wasn't getting too plastered. I learned not to let friends come over, because my AH would use that as an excuse to throw a party.
Pretty much the only thing left to learn now, is how to turn this all around. Maybe one day, just maybe.
I can relate to many things in your post. Most important you asked a question: How do I turn this all around?
There is a simply answer and a simple solution. The answers and solutions can be found in the rooms of Al-Anon. That's where I found mine, at face to face meetings where I was surrounded by other members who had been where I was, understood me as perhaps no one else could, and wanted to give back to me what the program had given them.
You can do the same. The program can and will change your life. Like you I was sicker than the alcoholic in my life. Like you my life had become unmanageable. The program along with loving and caring members were there for me. All I had to do was walk through the doors. I did. I hope you do the same. You need and deserve the program. You don't need to be alone anymore.
I hear your pain and sadness and have been exactly where you are today. I did learn how to "Turn it all around" as you suggested when I found al anon . You see my tools of denial and pretend stopped working and I was lost and unable to function in the grown up world.
By attending meetings, living one day at a time, focusing on myself getting a sponser steps,I was given a whole new set of tools that enabled me to recover my self esteem, my joy and my life
Please follow RLC suggestion and look for alanon meetings in yoor community You are worth it.
Tears came into my eyes while reading your post. I was decades of my life there where you are now. First with my parents then with my ex-husband... Thank you for your share! All big changes start with a small step. When I wish for a big change I visualize it, make friend with it, split it into small pieces, choose one small fragment to take with me for today and leave all the others pieces there where they are so that next time I can choose and take with me another small little piece, one day at a time, one step at a time. I wish you all the best!
-- Edited by carmendiana on Friday 11th of February 2011 02:27:26 AM
Katy nods head and can relate to your story, I belive it paints a truly raw accurate picture of the affects of living with anothers alcholism, But there is good news, we can recover from the damage, I came to realise that it was all an illusion anyway, and I was disalusioned, you can't recover from this damage in isolation, you did the right thing reaching out, something that really helped me early on was a friend telling me it takes two to argue, you can chose to walk away, I had no clue how, all I new was retaliation having the last word, and then I learnt the art of less is more, this is a simple programme for complicated people, no one asked us to care take them we just turn up and volunteer, can I make a suggestion, that you start applying all that you are about for Rachael.
Your right Katy, it is all an illusion that we create.
I was married to the alcoholic for 26 years and when it was over, I told him I want my years back, you cheated me. That was my first response.
Later I realized that I had a part in it. That the relationship also served a purpose only I could know.
Rachel, I found that only knowledge about this disease of alcoholism helped me. We must stop and realize the things we want from a relationship or marriage may not exist with a sick person. I truly believe that we dont realize how sick they really are. Our marriages and relationships cannot be the be all of our life. One person cannot bring it to us. We must seek happiness for ourselves inside and seek the solutions for our lives in order to become happy.
alcoholism is a tricky disease and the alcoholic will tell you what you want to hear. I was sad like you and wondered why me, why was I chosen to carry such unhappiness. He kept telling me he loved me, but showing me something else. They are manipulating, cunning, they are under the influence. We have no power over them or more over this disease. We do have power over ourselves, We can empower ourselves by going to Alanon. We have the power to overcome this disease. We can become productive, happy adults. Keep coming back. It works.
thanks for everyone's comments. It is so sad and enlighting that so many people have been exactly where I am, even though I feel so alone. I am so happy that everyone commented, and thanks for the help. One of these days. I am going to find the strength to make that first step.
