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I don't know if I really belong here but Al-Anon was suggested to me by a counselor a couple years ago after my ex-husband and I separated and of course, I never listened. Its been 2.5 years since I left him and I still think I am struggling with a lot of issues as a result of our marriage. My ex is not violent or abusive. But he is a very highly functional alcoholic. Of course he still doesn't admit to this. I was with him for 10 years (married for 6) and we have a 4 year old beautiful little girl. I definitely saw issues before we got married but I remember asking him to slow down on the drinking and he did, for a little while. I was young (20 when I met him, 24 when I got married) and I guess I just assumed the partying and drinking was something people outgrew. I know I definitely did, especially once we started a family. Things really went south with us after I had our daughter. I had to use that as a pinpoint but I think it made me grow up and he just continued on with his habits. I honestly cannot tell you if it got worse or if I just denied it a lot before, but in the last 3 years of our marriage I really took issue with how much he drank. His father is a very bad alcoholic. He is 65 and dying of cirrhosis. My ex's Mom left his Dad for the very same reason. My ex would try to hide how much he drank from me, or blame the alcohol that had been drank on other people who had come over. It affected our emotional connection, our physical connection, my feelings for him, etc. It took me 18 months to really decide to leave. We went to two different marriage counselors prior to that and every time I tried to address his drinking, he would turn it around on me and say I was exaggerating about how much he drank, that I had post-partum depression (I didn't...), that I was delusional, that I was an alcoholic because a few times a year I'd go out with my friends and drink, that he had to drink to put up with me, etc. etc. He stopped drinking completely for 2 months and it COMPLETELY changed our marriage and I went from wanting to leave to wanting to work it out. Then he started drinking again, sadly at my daughter's 2nd birthday party. He got so drunk he fell into the baby pool and just really embarassed me and my family. From that point on it got even worse then before and I left a few months later. We tried counseling even after I left and he still pointed the finger at me and never admitted to having a problem. And the reason I stayed so long? Like I said, he was VERY functional, and still is. He's a hard worker, he is a good person and he's a loving, attentive Dad. But he was a terrible husband because of the drinking!
Ok so you get the point...I left my husband because he was clearly an alcoholic. So why am I here 2.5 years later? Like I said, I don't even know if I should be. But I am really having some of my own issues right now and I'm realizing how much his alcoholism has affected me, and I'm looking into my past and seeing that it's kind of a pattern with me. My Grandmother is an alcoholic (not admittedly). My Mom had a terrible childhood with her. She was verbally and physically abusive and still continues not to be very involved in my Mom's life. Thank God my Mom broke that cycle. However, my counselor, and several insightful people in my life have pointed out to me that I was probably inadvertently affected by my Grandmother's alcoholism in the way my Mom is. She is not an alcoholic but he suffers from bipolar disorder. I love my Mom to death and I hate saying that or blaming anything on her, but its the truth. Her moods and ways have affected me my entire life. In the past couple of years I've noticed my Mom having extremely wild mood swings. She will go from being upbeat and energetic, to downright depressing and negative, to just zombie-like and incoherent. After my ex and I separated I lived with my parents for a few months until I got back on my feet and noticed my Mom was taking A LOT of pills. She takes several antipsychotic medications, along with prescription painkillers. Two years ago she had a seizure right in front of me and even though I heard the doctor at the hospital blame several of the medications she is on, she denies it to this day. So I'm sad to say that I think her Mom's issue has turned into my Mom dealing with it by taking prescription drugs.
Ok and lastly...and this is probably what's pointed me here the most...and finally! I've been dating a great guy for almost 2 years. We weren't really serious at first but after 6 months or so we were. Our relationship is wonderful but tough because he works out of town most of the time and his children live in another state. So I see him every other weekend when he isn't working in our city. He was very open with me from the beginning that he is a cocaine addict. And he had been sober for about 2 years before we started dating. But he has had two relapses since we've been together (completely sober now for 12 months though). I am very proud of him but I guess what worries me is that even though he is 100% honest with me, and himself and he doesn't exhibit addictive tendancies like my Mom or my ex AT ALL., he hasn't ever gotten any professional help. He leads a pretty stressful life and with him being on the road, I worry a lot that he will slip up again and if he did, I would have to make ANOTHER choice. The difference i guess between him and the other people in my life is that he isn't in denial and I suppose that makes a huge difference.
All of this stuff has affected me in very subtle ways over my life. But for whatever reason I am just feeling like its all sort of hitting me at once right now. I still care about my ex-husband. If he told me today that he quit drinking, I would believe him (I wouldn't go back though). I mean what's wrong with me for being so naive like that? And I find myself having issues in my own current relationship due to problems from the ones before. I don't have trust issues in the sense that I worry my boyfriend will cheat...I have trust issues that our relationship could ever be what my marriage never was. Not sure if that makes sense but part of my reason for being so sad when I left the marriage was the fact that it never turned out to be what my vision of a good marriage should've been, and I have doubts I could EVER have that. And even though I left the marriage, I am probably still enabling my ex because we share custody of our daughter. The court ruled on 50/50 custody because he asked for it and I couldn't prove he was unfit to share it with me. And he manipulates me in such a subtle way that for all I know, he could be throwing back a 12 pack every night my kid is there and I would have absolutely no way of knowing. And he still has the ability to make me feel guilty for leaving. He says I broke up our family, I negatively affected our daughter, etc. (This is also enlightening because these are things my Mom does too...).
Ok...so sorry for my ridiculously long post...I just need to let this out. And I need to know if an Al-Anon meeting is right for me.
I'd say absolutely Alanon is for you. Alanon is specifically for those affected by addiction. Your X sounds pretty typical as far as the denial goes. He's not willing to admit to anyone he is a alcoholic, therefore he's blaming it on you. It's a coping skill they use so they don't have to look in the mirror, so to speak.
I can totally understand your concern with your current situation. Alanon can help in so many ways. It can assist you in discovering why you choose the partners you do, help you jn setting future boundaries for yourself (as in what you deem acceptable or not) and how to respond in your best interest.
I strongly suggest you find a meeting in your area. You'll be welcomed by people who understand. If you would like to dip your toes in a meeting... there are meetings held in our chtroom 2x a day. Although we are grateful for the chat meetings, face to face meetings allow the support you need along with the experience of those who have been in the program for a while.
Good luck on your journey, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You're definitely in the right place -- you have been affected by another person's (several of them!) alcoholism/addiction. So, welcome!
Even more so, as you still have to negotiate ongoing relationships with all of the significant A's in your life, your ex, your mom and your b/f.
Your story is such a familiar one around here. I've gone much the same route, partnering up with recovering alcoholics who still behaved in unhealthy ways when they weren't drinking and relapsed so often it was sometimes difficult to see the "recovery". I couldn't understand why I kept choosing (and staying with) these men when drinking was a nightmare to me, having grown up with two alcoholic parents.
Al-Anon has given me new insight, and tools to change my life whether or not anyone else in it changes, but most of all it has given me hope that I'm not irrevocably damaged and I CAN get better.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Welcome, and you absolutely are in the right place. Addiction and alcoholism don't just affect the person who has them, as you've seen. They suck everyone around into the insanity. It sounds as if your mother had a hard time with her own mother's addiction, and when it came to her own coping skills, she didn't have a good model for how to handle things. So now she has a problem with pills. The denial about the seizure is a classic sign -- addicts will say anything to project the illusion that there's nothing wrong, it's all under control, there's no need for them to work on recovery because everything's hunky-dory. When the rest of the world can see the problem as plain as the side of a barn.
I think those of us who've grown up in families with this kind of problem find them so familiar that the red lights don't go on when they would with other people. Like if the person we're dating comes to pick us up and is slurring his words just a little, or says, "Let's stop by the bar on our way to the movie" and six hours later you're stil there, or mentions, "Yeah, I had a motorcycle but I crashed it once when I was a little high, ha ha," or says he has a six-pack before dinner every night "but it's just to relax," or doesn't show up when he's supposed to and is evasive about why. A lot of people would see a big red flag around this kind of thing and think, "I don't understand what's happening exactly but it's giving me a bad feeling and I'm moving on." But those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families might think, "He's had a stressful time and I can help him -- he needs me!" or "I have to be understanding -- he's a great guy and I need someone after all I've been through," or "My family member did that, so it must be all right" or just "I'm going to make this work no matter what because I can't stand any more losses." And so we plunge into new situations that end like the old situations.
I think you're right to be concerned that your new guy used to be a cocaine addict, and now he's having relapses. Most addicts do not recover -- that's what the statistics tell us. Of those who go into recovery, 20%-25% of alcoholics will stay sober longterm. The statistics on drug addicts can't be much better. So those are the odds. It's a hard situation and you need support. I hope you can also find yourself a face-to-face group and get support that way. There are meetings on here too. You sound as if you have a lot of awareness -- that's priceless. I wish I'd had so much when I first started dealing with these things. Please take care of yourself. Hugs to you.
you are definately in the right place, if you think something is wrong then more than likely it is, work on yourself first, do what is right for you and being a newbie myself but from what I've experienced here, it all falls in place, not that life will be perfect you'll still run into things that'll throw you for a loop but it'll give you the tools needed to cope with different things that affect YOUR well being. Welcome and keep coming back, check out the chat room and meetings, they got me out of my funk when I first found them!
Aloha DelFan...I suggest you re-read your post again as if someone else was reading it and then ask the question what's wrong with this picture? I deserved to be happily married to a non-addicted person(s) and I deserved to have a happy alcohol free life and hindsight being 20/20 I got none of it and there was always the same person in all of the family and group and cuddly pictures that were taken during the disease raging years...me.
Some alcoholics hide it...some alcoholic/addicts are open about it; why do I entertain both conditions and end up feeling bad about myself? Whether I know or don't know...I know and it seriously affects my life...mind, body, spirit and emotions.
I also was born into the disease. Being in it and around it is normal for me. What is abnormal is being in recovery and not being in it or around it except when the others around me are in recovery also.
It is usual for the victim of the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction to feel bad about themselves and about almost every other thing also. It is usual to accept blame and then carry it around by myself without having some one else to point the finger at me. I was trained to take blame and to feel shame from the earliest days of the disease in my life which means from birth.
I felt responsible because I thought "someone should" and I might as well do it. That almost cost me my life on several occasions.
You are dealing with a life threatening disease meaning it kills and not only the alcoholic and or addict (there is no such thing as a functional alcoholic/addict) and also innocent victims around them. I've seen it happen many times in the past. I am no longer in denial about it.
I'd say your on the right first step....next right step. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call it right away. You will either get a live person to talk with or a recording which will connect you and lead you to where and when our face to face meetings are. There is a chair already waiting for you and a literature table you will want to browse thru. Call the number and keep coming back here. ((((hug))))
