The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am married for 15 years to the love of my life....or so I thought. He is sober 10 months. The last episode early this year was my last straw. I asked for a separation. However, because of our 3 small children we have continued to live together. It has been terrible. I'm sad every day. I know that I need to move on for my own sanity. I am feeling more resentful of the sober him than the drunk/stoned him that I was married to.
He is in AA and agressive therapy to examine the reasons he got there. He really IS doing the work. But I still want to leave. I changed. I became crazy. I fell out of love. AND I truly believe this has been happening for years. I am now hearing how I wasn't able to emotionally provide for him but every senario he gives as an example is in reference to things I didn't buy him. I literally can't believe the things I'm hearing. He is going for 50% of our children, and he is a good dad, so I don't think he should have less...but it is killing me. And he is quick to mention that I am going to have a very hard time living without my kids 50% of the time for years and years and years. I love my children more than anything. The fact that I'm still choosing to leave him says alot...as I know the consequences of not having my children. He also states, that I obviously have no idea what true love is and that I am walking away from a marriage when my husband is sick. Basically, what happened to for better for worse. And lastly, he says he is worried about me being able to handle our children if one of them gets sick with alcoholism. Questioning me if I will turn my back on them as well? This really feels like emotional blackmail. He seems to be taking my deepest insecurities and using them against me....and he is SOBER!!! I recognize he is desperate but I just feel so betrayed and lied to and TIRED. I just want to leave and be ALONE!!
Of course in the Alcoholics eyes, we are to love them and take their abuse, even when they know they are sick, but when it comes to our turn to receive, there is nothing there for us to hold on too.
This disease can drain us , it can make us have anger that is so deep, we dont know what we feel anymore. He has only been sober for 10 months and he still is not completely dried out, it takes a year sometimes. Its a long road too recovery.
For them and us. Glad you turned to Alanon, because when you practice Alanon you turn to YOU!!!
While he is getting well, so should you. This disease makes us sick too.
Don't worry about the alcoholic, he is where he is suppose to be, thats a good start.
Try to go to some face to face meetings in your community and come back here, there is a great wealth of experience on this board.
We are powerless over them, but not over ourselves. Keep coming back.
Thank you Bettina I am in alanon...thank goodness. I have a great group on a weekly basis. But I need a sounding board in the evenings. So thank you. I feel sooooo torn up and guilty. I'm shocked at myself. I'm an otherwise strong, confident woman but I truly feel he has chipped away at these traits for years and now I'm just a confused, guilty, endlessly sad puddle of mess. Thank you for responding.
UGH! (((HUGS))) This sounds somewhat like what I went through, only my ex-husband was only sober for 2 months. When he relapsed and started drinking again that was IT for me. I can honestly tell you that even though we went through counseling after that, even if he HAD admitted to having a problem and had gotten help, I probably still would've wanted to leave. I was also out of love with him and we were just different people. He is telling you that stuff about 50/50 custody to control you and keep you there. My ex did the same thing...he was very controlling and even though he was never physically abusive, if he could control me by making me feel like a bad mom, it worked every time! I ended up leaving when my daughter was 2 and we still do share 50/50 custody. It was hard and first, and still is at times, but I've gotten used to it and my daughter has adjusted well. Only time will tell if this arrangement should continue as she gets older. She's going to start kindergarten in August and I have a feeling that going back and forth will be too hard on her. I don't have any advice for you because only you can look inside yourself and make the choices you need to make. I just wanted you to know I've been there and I understand 100%!
Oh man! So similar. I am a different person now. Not one I really like at the moment to be honest. I need time and space to get myself back. He is using all kinds of controlling techniques that I can see if I listen outside myself....(like pretend I'm hovering above myself while we are talking/fighting) I CAN SEE IT! But it does work every time. I'm shocked at myself. I feel so weak! He sends me in a tailspin and I find myself wondering if I'm making all of this up, or blowing it out of proportion etc. I feel crazy. I have 3 children. 9 year old boy, 7 year old boy and 3 year old girl. Its going to be so hard. But its harder NOW, they can feel it but they don't know what they are feeling. I ache for them. Positively ache for them. Thank you for understanding.
I just wanted to add that it's OK to do what you feel is best for you. Please know that alcoholics are masters at manipulation, and most of the time it's out of desperation, fear or simple denial. You have a choice of taking it on or chosing to detach from his words.
Some of us find a way to live with the alcoholic, some don't. There is no judgement here. Our goal is about healing and moving forward in to a place of serenity and whatever that means for you.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
This is a very difficult time and I am glad you have found MIP and have the support of alanon meetings. You are correct in your vision of how you have changed.
Living with this disease causes untold changes in the family. The coping skills I developed were to deny the reality of what was going on and to pretend it was all OK. Then one day these tools no longer worked and I found al anon .
I am so glad I found this program and developed the tools that restored my self esteem and the ability to trust myself
You are on the right road Keep on Keeping on
Oh by the way I do believe that you will need to rethink your log on name
dear messedupmom Remember just because he's sober he still has the desease and it'll take a lot of work on his part to start thinking rational. Work on what you know and feel is right for YOU, don't let him manipulate you by actions or words, them alcoholics may be slow in thought but know all the tricks of getting under ones skin, getting their way and putting blame on everyone but themselves. You've taken the right steps by finding this site along with going to f2f's, I don't have much experience with Al-Anon myself but in the short time that I found it, it has turned my attitude around 100%, and don't get me wrong there are many bumps in the road and it takes thought and determination to get through the tough times on ones own so I turn to my friends here and at the f2f meetings to give encouragement and guidance. They've all lived my life, and many to come I'll have lived theirs, and that's what fantastic and unique, they speak from experiences we all relate too and actions they took to overcome those dark places. Keep coming back and hitting the f2f meets.
There is no easy way to go about what you are doing. It is not going to be neat and easy. Most break ups/divorces are not amicable. Just because there are going to be hard feelings, hurt, and pain, does not mean you are in the wrong.
does anyone else ever think they're just making it all up? My AH is sober now and as I mentioned he's on and off with crazy comments but then everything is normal. So, I find myself wondering if I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill. I'm going nuts.
