The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So last night my A let's me know he wants to do more than sleep for once. I was immediately irate. It took everything in me not to scream at him.
He voices that he desires me, but does not show that in the slightest. He also voices that he prefers that "sometimes" he chooses to pleasure himself as it is quick and he is often lazy. We have a very different view of sometimes.
I declined and let him know I feel very used when he want's to have sex with me that whole one time a month. I already told him I don't want to do that anymore, and maybe we can start with friendship and work our way up to that.
He then shares with me he is starting to read his big book again on his iphone as he burned his book in the fireplace. He will read that for about five min im sure.
Problem is me. I have lost acceptance that I am living a life I hate with someone that is a selfish jerk in certain areas. Those areas are the ones that make a healthy, strong relationship. He will do the chores, work and parent our son. I could hire someone to do those things. I can't hire someone to love me, treat me well, trust and desire me. Grrr.
I have a meeting tonight and I hope I feel better. It is rare that I have such black and white thinking where "everything" is wrong because of one thing I am unhappy with.
Unfortunately Alcoholism affects every aspect of their life , so that includes the marriage.
Left up to them, they will continue their dynamics forever because of their denial of anything being wrong and that they even have a drinking problem.
As long as an alcoholic is still drinking and doesnt have program or a sponsor , all the behaviors continue.
I have been thru it , the XAH never stopped drinking in 27 years. We dont live together anymore. When I look back I would have put more boundaries in place for me and I would have been tougher. I would have told him your drinking is unacceptable to me, but we kept separating and going back a number of times. Me thinking it would be different this time, but it never was. He never got into recovery and he was never serious and he didnt want to stop. They want to hold on to us, still be able to drink and do it as long as possible. I continued to dance his dance.
So Clep its up to you, you say your unhappy with just one thing, is that really true? "Healthy, strong , relationship" you say, like the Drs. and the TV personalities say we should have and if we dont we are flawed people somehow.
The truth is that Alcoholics are dysfunctional in everyway. What do elderly people do when they have been married for 50 years and they dont function sexually anymore?? We keep wanting the Alcoholic to be normal and do normal things, when he is the quite opposite.
I hear you and understand. I too experienced the lack of tenderness and show of affection but was expected to "Know" that it was there and respond accordingly.
I too wished to be desired and wanted. My sponsor stated that you cannot honestly get from him what you are unwilling to give. She then asked did I desire and want him? The answer was a resounding because he shows not affection for me.
Then the next question was Do you show affection to him? Answer was no. I began to see that I needed to be able to show some of what I desired in my relationship.
I think you are correct in wanting to develop a "Friendship " first. Decide how you want that to look like and then do it. Be Kind, courteous, gentle, in your home. Treat him as you would a fellow member of al anon and then see what develops
The slogan;"Let it Begin With Me" does work
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 11th of February 2011 10:19:08 AM
While at my meeting last night I shared about this issue. It was shared that masturbation like this can be an addiction in itself and since my A is not drinking, he could be using that as his active addiction right now. I found that really interesting and it answered lots of the chaos surrounding this and his need to protect this action at all costs.
I spend my time affectionate on a regular basis. I initiate sex with him, let him know verbally and physically I am attracted to him. He is very rejecting though most of the time. He will only kiss me using his tongue when we have sex. If I am to try to do that he pulls his mouth away from me, or when I try to have sex he will just pretend I am not doing anything at all. No response from him. This has been going on for about eight months now. It was not at all like this when he was in active recovery.
I am showing what I desire in a relationship.
I realized that I am spending so much time "faking it till I make it" that I am not even real anymore. I don't want to have sex once a month at his whim to suit him and pretend to feel okay with that. I don't want to feel used like that.
I do feel angry yesterday and less today. I realized that me being kind, courteous and gentle like I usually am, brings him feelings of comfort that stunts his need to work a program. I don't feel kind and all that right now. I am not being a jerk or anything, just keeping to myself and being unwilling to answer to him for my every feeling.
Last night he asked me if me not talking with him at 11:30 pm when that worked for him, was a ploy to get him to leave me. I didn't respond to that subtle threat and control tactic.
Time for me to just keep to myself and keep working my program. I usually work my program and make sure to stroke him all the time in the ways he wants me to. That just isn't working form me anymore.
I am not rude and answer him when he asks me something or if we have to discuss something briefly. Just now he came downstairs where I work and let me know the kids have to go to school. I told him they are getting ready right now.
He then text messages me asking why I am treating him this way? I am sick of him asking me to explain why I am doing what I am doing. Someone told me last night that answering him is non productive and to not worry about it. Then he sends me a message saying "hello".
I have been giving in to the pressure this whole time to avoid the constant conflict and didn't even realize it. He hates being ignored and I know that. There isn't much I can do though other than that when he is insistant I explain things to him all the time that he will ask me to explain the next day anyways.
.