how do you reconcile the loneliness? - Al-Anon Family Group

newleaf66 · Veteran Member

how do you reconcile the loneliness?

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember this so well, I am grateful for my sponsor who reminded me that it wasn't my responsiblity to "teach" him anything by withholding love or any other manipulative behavior in hopes that he would change. I am powerless. Powerless.

She taught me to stand in my truth. Real love is accepting him as he is. When I felt that, it was easy to embrace him and I did, right up until he moved out. He is a good man. He has a disease. Now that I had a program, I had to switch the words in my heart... "I love you" had to become "I accept you."

To thine own self be true. Stand in your truth. But, trust the program to learn the truth about YOURSELF. Trust your HP for perfect guidance and outcomes.

-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 10th of February 2011 10:18:23 AM

newleaf66 · Veteran Member

glad lee,
I hadn't considered that I might be withholding - but I suppose if I know I am guarded, for whatever reason, then that is exactly what I am doing. I have to take a risk and trust that things are unfolding exactly as they should according to my HP's plan.

This is what it means to let go and let God.

I needed your words today. Thank you.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

OOoops, I wanted to address "loneliness."

There's no doubt, I am lonely sometimes. It's been over 3 years since he moved out and living alone can be lonesome. I was told that my emotions are an indication of how well I am working my program.... Man, I soooo rejected that notion!!!!! I've found truth in it though.

I went to bed last night thinking about valentine's day coming up... briefly thinking things shouldn't be like this, it's unacceptable that I am not in a relationship!! I didn't stay in that thinking for very long though... I am "programmed." lol

My life SHOULD be like this.. because it is. If it were right for me to be in a relationship right now... I would be. I am sooo trying to stay HUMBLE, which Jerry F has taught me means, "teachable." It seems obvious to me, that this is a period in my life I must be taught to establish my reliance on Higher Power to the uttermost limit. I get to make a decison.... HP is either everything, or else He is nothing. I can relax when I make up my mind that He is everything. It's something I know I must learn, and learn well. I went to sleep, hugging my pillow saying," so, this is the way it's gotta be, huh? Have your way then, I trust you."

I keep showing up because it comforts me knowing we're all in this together, I am not alone.

-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 10th of February 2011 12:44:09 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

All I can say here is that they give feedback to the alcoholic to treat their significant other cordially and to work on themself for the first year. The same may be true for you. Time for both of you to do some work on yourselves and then maybe come together as 2 more happy and whole people later on. This may or may not happen and you can only do your part. More will be revealed....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

A relationship is fed, it grows it is a live thing.

We cannot make something into something it is not.We cannot make ourselves want to give this type of affection if it is not there.

Making love starts when you wake up in the morn. How you are treated all day long. It doesn't just start in bed uno?

If my AH was a jerk in the day, I had NO desire to be with him and did not unless I did.

I told you he wooed me over a year to marry him. I did not feel it until he asked me to marry him.

If you guys are just talking surface talk what would make one want to share intimately with our body??

It's ok to say,"I am feeling sorta numb inside as far as intimacy, it's not you, its me."

If we own our feelings, not put them on another, it they take it personal, that is THEIR problem.

The best thing is to be loved for ourselves no matter what.

"To Thine Own Self Be True." Marriage is a live thing. Has to be nurtured. My first husband and I would have a date every sunday. I did what he wanted, played poolm, ( badly, (c:) He would take me to the zoo or go on day hikes, movies or just stay home with the kids gone.

A flower does not grow with out vital things, sun, water, nutriants, caree. We are no different.

hugs,debilyn

jitsuka · Senior Member

I can relate to this.

I feel very lonely in this relationship, my partner she drinks every night and I can when she's UTI. It's not attractive to see someone taking extra care over their words so they dont trip over them is it? Or the obvious slightly glassy expression in the eyes.

Every day it feels like a little bit more of me dies inside. I don't bother getting my hopes up anymore.

It's true that it's like grief, like a bereavment.

I've just entered counselling again, this time I've been talking about a sense of sadness that penetrates me, like I'm grieving ... :(

newleaf66 · Veteran Member

jitsuka,

I can relate to all you are saying. The other paradox is when I do forget myself, let down my guard and just remember the guy I fell in love with I'm nervous that he'll think "Oh, everything's all set now - she's off of this whole drinking thing". I find myself worried to not be vigilant - afraid of getting hurt again I guess or not having him take me seriously. And that's not detachment, is it? That doesn't free me or give me serenity it just stinks.

K

Rhivenn · Member

At an AA conference I attended last year, with Abf, I sat in on an Al Anon speaker. She spoke about how she'd had a wonderful marriage with her active AH, for twenty years or so. One thing she said, really stood out for me: if you treat your relationship as though it were special, it will be be special. She said that her sponsor told her to hug her AH, even when she was angry and hurt, and that after some time, the ice within her, began to melt (so-to-speak). I don't know if this helps you, but I have found it helps me. When your child is sick, and throws up all over you, you don't punish him...you give him extra love. Likewise - I think - when 'our' A is deep in the manifestation of their sickness...

Maybe I'm way off. I'm new to all this, and honestly, I've never known my Abf when he was not sober. But I do know he still makes mistakes, and he can still exhibit alcoholic behaviors. I either love who he is, despite his faults and disease, or I don't. Letting anger marr the beauty of what I feel for this man, is not something I will allow myself to do.

Thanks for your share...it brought me a moment of clarity.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Loneliness is what got me into this mess in the first place! I had a life, was single, did what I wanted, no one told me what to do or yelled at me, no one controlled me and I could do anything I wanted any way I wanted. Everything was great except.... yeah, I got lonely. Started looking for someone to help fill the loneliness and next thing I knew was married to a man whose behavior I just did not understand. Took me 2.5 years to figure out what the heck was going on. Now, he's living elsewhere because I said AA or else and I am NOT ever going to live that way again. I am in the process of regaining my sanity. Looking back now I realize I wasn't as lonely as I thought I was and, if I have to choose between loneliness or misery I'll be lonely.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.