New here and at a fork in the road - Al-Anon Family Group

RunnerMom · Member

New here and at a fork in the road

KTabc · Newbie

You are carrying a very heavy load. My sister is a recovering A. She sounds like your husband--without the physical abuse. Focus on yourself. My sister's husband asked her to move out, she did, worked on herself, moved home, drank, went to rehab 3x in a year. She was sober for 13 years, drank for 2 years, and has now been sober for 5 years. It takes time and LOTS of work.

Nothing my sister's husband could have said would make a difference. SHe had to do it herself. And, she struggled long and hard. Tell your AH that you need a break--it is OK to take a break :) You have children, you have needs. IF that means he moves out, then out he goes. I have learned that if you do what is right for you, then in the end it will be right for your children.

Good Luck, keep praying, and don't get sucked into the head games.

KT

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi RunnerMom,
And welcome to Miracles in Progress. Sounds like you are already on the right track, attending meetings and reading literature.
This site can be a big help too. There is a chat room with live chat meetings twice a day and open chat the rest of the day. Check it out and see if it fits for you.

Many of us have been right where you are....trying to make those tough decisions. Keep going to those meetings. Perhaps see if you can find someone there whom could sponsor you. Talk to other members, listen and learn about alcoholism the family disease.

The answers start coming. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.

Thank you for sharing with us some of you story.

Keep coming back.

David

RunnerMom · Member

Thanks for the feedback... My H was told to take the week off of work last week and attended a lot of meetings daily and is sounding and acting more maturely than I have ever seen him...

But I don't believe it and I don't want to trust it bc all that has gotten me in the past with him is hurt.

I am angry, resentful, spiteful and all sorts of things that are negative and awful and unproductive. I know that.

I feel like it's easier to be angry than scared and sad and that's where I'm at right now...

And I feel guilty about it...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear RunnerMom
I hear you. I turned all my "feelings" into anger as well because it was the easiest for me to express and I felt that I could not get hurt.

You are very in tune with your motives and that is huge in recovery.

Next please try to be gentle with yourself. When you are feeling all these mixed emotions it is not a wise time to make any long term decisions.

Try working the program. Meetings, gratitude list, prayer, mediation, steps ,sponser all will help to change your attitudes and enable you to make constructive decisions for you and your family.

Thanks to alanon I learned to TRUST MYSELF and my Higher Power and that enabled me to live

Please keep coming back this disease does cause such terrible destruction in a family.

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 10th of February 2011 11:35:34 AM

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 10th of February 2011 02:45:37 PM

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Runner mom.
My partner was sober for 6 months last year and has just gotten out of rehab after 5 months he is stronger in his programme today than he has every been. BUT THAT IS HIS JOURNEY. I have had to fight anger, resntment, self pity my journey is to try and get the focus on me and keep it there which is very hard to do. I love my meetings and literature always feel better after a dose of al anon medicine. ?I can be in a bad head space have a shot of al anon and my thinking then becomes more positive. This site is another tool to help me do that. My partner used to drink when he was in a bad head space today he takes his medicine. if he doesnt he knows he will drink and he knows what that brings. I am trying to leave his battle to him. Today i have my own. If I let them my negative thoughts can run amock, I have to constantly battle them. My partner has not come home he is in supported living he stays weekends although we do chat every day. We have decided that we both need to heal. My sickness can even turn this into a punishing tool if i allow it. e.g he should be here etc etc. All I felt like you when he went into rehab I was done wanted to run I had nothing left but I stayed becaue he was in recovery things are getting better although I still have days when I just want to run. I do not know how things will go I am handing it all over and just asking Hp to guide me to his will. I just want the resntment and anger to go for me not him half the time the other person doesnt know it just hurts me. Hope you find the right answers for you, take what you like and leave the rest

RunnerMom · Member

Can someone explain some of the step work for al anon? I haven't found a meeting that deals with the steps... We read from the Courage to Change book and discuss topics but I would very much like, for my own sanity/recovery, to do some of the specific things to each step...

Like someone mentioned a gratitude list and I know that in AA there is something about a resentment list...

Is there anything written down as a resource that I can use? I would like some pragmatic tools to help me get my thoughts on paper and am not sure where to start...

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

boy does this ring bells for me , I understand exactly how you feel do i stay , do I go? we are asked in this program to not make any life altering decissions for at least 6 months when we are thinking a little more clearly ,i decided to try this program for a yr and if things werent better i would leave , the yr came and went I was much happier and learning how to detach from his stuff i got my life back on track * husb still drinking * and continued to do so for another 2 yrs . some of the anger towards him went as i began to get some insite to his struggle and also taking responsibilty for my part helped alot . I allowed this to go on for yrs never said a word just let it all happen I had choices all of my married life and for the most part I chose to do nothing so that kinda changed my perspective a little he was only doing what alcoholics do ,what in hell was the matter with me ?? your attending meetings great I am assuming you havent found a sponsor yet please for your sake do that as soon as possible they are great guides thru our recovery as they have been where were at and share thier recovery with us , concentrate on the first 3 steps for awhile dont get into doing step 4 alone its just too hard . Read all you can on steps1-3 and work them to the best of your ability . I understand your kids ours were the same they dont trust us at all , they like you dont trust sobriety or us for that matter kids assume we the non drinking parent should be able to fix this they simply dont understand that no one but the alcoholic can .You have sobriety in your home one sober day is better than any day drunk . We are not responsible for keeping them sober but we can help them want to stay that way as we begin to change too .letting go of the past takes time talk things out with al anon friends he simply would not understand any more than we understand thier compulsion to drink . good luck take care of yourself . Louise

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Well my book is packed but there is one that is,"the Steps and Traditions of Al Anon or AA" it goes into more detail about each step and tradition.

Maybe someone else knows??? love,deb

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi

As a quick follow up---

I found the Courage to Change and the ODAT have powerful readings on each Step. The ODAT also has a listing of the Slogans in the Back page 367. You will also find these slogans as topics in the index. I really found these slogans were life savers when I was early in program and today I find they are principles that I truly live by.

the Step Work Board here Step Work Board - A Step each week!
has great shares and of coarse getting a sponsors and talking to her daily would help to move thru all this with a bit more ease

Good Luck

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can definitely understand the place you are at. I know when I was enraged with the now ex A I felt like I could not take it another minute.

That is where al anon came in. I had to take the focus off him and put it on me. When I had the focus on me I could keep doing the next right thing and work out whether I wanted to stay or not.

One of the suggestions of al anon is to make a plan be of what it would mean if you did separate. What would be the physical and emotional things you would have to take care of. I worked on a "plan be" for quite a while. I also came to this board a lot and vented. I vented here about how I felt, how unhappy I was and what a miserable life I had. I felt heard here in ways the ex A never heard me. Validating those feelings was crucial to me. I also went and saw a therapist who was tremendously helpful.

Anyone who lives in the quagmire of alcoholism has a lot of feelings and its perfectly normal to be frustated, angry and sad at the same time. Living with an alcoholic is like living with an elephant in the roomm. No one talks about the issue and it is like there is a huge prescence blocking all the exits.

I do know the book offered above by a kind member here, Getting them Sober was a tremendous help to me. I really was able to change my perspective of the alcoholic after I read that.

I am so glad you are here and are looking for help. You deserve it.

Maresie.

VickieB · Member

Living with this disease isn't easy and making decisions about staying or leaving is very difficult. Alanon will give you the support system you need. I also found for myself that the book Getting Them Sober to be very helpful. Be gentle on yourself and let the process work. Ofcourse you're angry. Don't worry about that and don't feel guilty that you are at this point. Getting through the anger takes time. You are not a failure. This is kinda funny...but when I first was introduced to Alanon and heard about the 12 steps, I thought ok that's great I can work the steps and be through...so you see, I thought I worked all the steps 1-12 and graduated!
Vickie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.