The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A while back, while sitting in church, my pastor began to talk about marital love and the commitment of it. He talked about in our society we tend to want the "instant gratification" love, that feels good all the time, that is based on high energy, high reward and not so much on committment and acceptance anymore. I understood what he was saying. He also broadenned it and said that if more people were prepared to not always like their spouse, but love them anyway, perhaps we'd see a decline in the divorce rates. HE talked about too much temptation to always want to be "happily in love". He talked about boredom leading to divorce.
As I sat in that back pew listening, knowing where I've been, disliking my situation with my exaH, knowing that my divorcing him has nothing to do with "wanting to find a greener pasture" so to speak, but is more about LOVE than my wedding day probably was, it began to make me feel uncomfortable. I wanted to tell him that not all divorces come from people giving up and getting tired and getting angry and not being willing to work past that. My divorce is out of love. For myself. For my son. And for my exaH. I don't want a greener pasture, but I do love myself enough to want to be happy again. I don't want a broken family , but I do love my son enough to want to show him what a functional family can be. I don't want my exaH to be sad and alone, but I do want him to respond to his life the way that he sees fit and find his own happiness, however that might look to him.
My divorce is not out of hate, not out of temptation, not out of scorn, not out of boredom. My divorce IS out of LOVE. Rora
Oh, I love your post! Sometimes divorce isn't an option, it is a necessity..............
I am divorced after 20 years of marriage--my ex started having an affair, started with the drinking--and I did NOT have an option. I had to get out. And, after I read what you wrote--you are so right, I got out for the love of myself and my girls.
My divorce after 16 plus yrs of marriage was out of love!!
My God said to me - "My Child I love you enough to let you know that YOU know longer have to live in such pain, anquish and misery. You are free. Go and be Happy"
Sometimes I believe the "church" doesn't truly understand the nature and power of addiction/alcoholism ~ when the advise women that you have no bilbical reason to leave a marriage. The God of my understanding tells me something else.
Living in a Pinker Pasture!!
PINK HUGS, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You can probably "take what you like and leave the rest" in regards to that particular sermon. ;)
Sounds like he was generalizing things, but I agree with you, too, in that there's a huge difference between just being bored with someone and living in a relationship where there's abuse and dishonesty. It's not loving for either couple to remain bound to each other if that's the case, and as far as I know about the God of my understanding, that's not what s/he would want for either of us. My HP just wants me to be happy and serene, not hurt and stressed.
I was sharing at a meeting last night that I don't look at having a divorce on my record as a black mark against me. I look at it as an accomplishment - a HUGE step forward in self-love and self-care.
I do agree, however, with the idea the pastor was presenting that we shouldn't enter a relationship expecting it's going to be easy all the time. A level of acceptance of others shortcomings can go a long way to living a serene life. I just personally had to draw the line at those shortcomings being abuse, compulsive dishonesty and infidelity.
Thanks, I think you articulated exactly what I am feeling right now. I like to believe every situation is different, lately though I have been getting what I am calling "scary on point" messages. I can't force my AW to have the same perspective I have, I have been trying to do that for too long and it hasn't worked, it's time to give up the control.
Oh thank you. I'm in turmoil. I am walking away from my 17 year marriage for ME. I NEED to find myself again. AND I NEED MY CHILDREN TO SEE THEIR MOTHER HAPPY!!!! That is my primary goal and my entire focus. I can't stay. And I love my husband, just not enough to live with all the hurt and anger and resentment. I don't want to spend years trying to make it work again. I've lost so many years already trying to make it work. Sadly, those years don't seem to count because he was "sick". He is completely dismissive of all the times I tried and tried to hold our family together. I am leaving. But getting to this point has nearly killed me. I'm so tired and sad
AMEN! Mine was too. I still love my ex-husband...just in a different way! I pray for his happiness every day of my life because I truly want that for him! But yes, sometimes we have to make choices for other people because we love them. I left for him, my daughter and myself. And yes, its ok to say you left for yourself too...God doesn't expect us to be miserable and manipulated (at least I don't think so...).
Here's what could happen if you don't learn to take care of yourself in the process. It happened to me and I heard in a face to face meeting of my then home group that like the alcoholic relapsing and going back to drinking after a period of sobriety that if I didn't come to fix myself I could and would repeat my past behaviors. right on!! Been married to an addict...divorced got into a very serious, tense, dynamic, dramatic, scarey relationship with another alcoholic; got away from that one and 6 months later was married to another alcoholic/addict which brought me to the doors of Al-Anon. While I was attempting to get this program and get it good and right I continued to have relationships with women from within the disease. What was wrong with me??? I was doing the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results...our definition of i n s a n i t y. After I left them I took my disease every where else I went. What is my part in it? was one of the best questions I have ever been asked in Al-Anon. Gotta know the answer to that question. Where ever I go...there I am. ((((hugs))))
If Divorce means "I'm right your wrong", then you run a risk of repeating the mistake in a future relationship, you haven't learned or grown. It's not about the rightness of my position, it's about how do I continue to grow. I have NO REGRETS about falling in love, marrying and having kids with my AW. Everything I saw in her when we met was there. I have grown with her, both in the good things we shared and the hardships we shared, the question now is how can we continue to grow and share that growth with our kids.
I am not deserting her by divorcing her, I am recognizing that my relationship with her must change. If she needs support from someone else that conflicts with the support I need in a spouse, the only possible way for me to have a respectful and productive relationship with her is through divorce. By trying to force her to my way of thinking we both lose and our kids lose.
Incidentally the decision is not made yet for me, after talking to my attorney I and confident that I don't need to make this decision before I feel clarity in the decision.
