Hi - It sounds like your husband needs to be hospitalized for rehabilitation. I don't know what the medical resources are like there but would he be willing to go? Does he want to be clean?

Hi I am so sorry you are in such pain  It is good that you speak the language so that you can find alanon face to face meetings in the community and receive the support you need. 

You are dealing with a dreadful disease that infects all that it comes in contact with.  You need help to recover from your living with it.  In addition to face to face meetings in your community you can find support by coming to MIP.  We have on line meetings her 3xs a day and 24/7 hour chat.  

No one will tell you what to do- We will love you until you learn to love yourself and can make decisions that benefit your life

Keep coming back.

I to am sorry you are in pain, and COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND your situation. I too married a wonderful man in Oct 2009 (who was my sweetheart from 1987 and we reunited in 2009 after all those years). I prefer to say I am a spiritual person developing my relationship with the Creator, Grandfather, of my understanding. I believe strongly when I said my vows and made that promise before the Creator and dont feel as though divorce is an option either. I too left everything, family including my first twin grand girls soon to be born and followed him to a remote village in Alaska that I am not familiar with and I feel alone today. My AH refused to go to meetings when we lived in the city, said he was trusting God and has only his Faith AND also says he knows hes selfish and wants to stop. I have listened to him say this for the past 8-9 months and have not seen any action except for a few dry spells. Yes the fight goin on inside them is they suffer from a disease. Which took me a long time to grasp and to understand the fact that I did not cause it, cant control it, and cannot cure it. I too have been suffering until this past Sunday (following another drinking binge my AH went on for 2 days, I didnt know what to do until I went into this website to be reminded and began reading the boards)whew thank God for this program, MIP and others who have shared their experience, strength and hope. I came into these rooms with wounded pride and ego and low self worth and could only grasp it when others shared similar situations as mine. I wont apologize for the long response because it takes what it takes to go to any length to get healed. You are doing good, just keep coming back and You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.    And I realized that I had to detach w/love when he finally came home Sunday night following all the reading and studying I did, my response was of love not condemnation. I felt better. It was for me called grace as God has given us even though we dont deserve it. Well I thought about it and it applies to ALL. And lastly I was amazingly able to state my position calmly to him the next day after he sobered up and said if you have to tie one on please let me know so that I can leave for a few days until you are done. Today Im not ready to leave my marriage and that is the action I am capable of Just for Today.

****HUGS****

I am so sorry you are going through this.

In your situation (as in all of ours) it's important and helpful to learn all you can about addiction. Read all the threads on this board, and get to some online meetings. If there are Al-Anon meetings or Nar-Anon meetings in your city, try those too (try several as they can all be different and you may go to several before you find one that's right for you). This is too hard to do alone.

One thing that Al-Anon teaches is the three C's: You didn't Cause it, You Can't Control it, you can't Cure it.  It doesn't sound as if you're trying those things, but many many of us do, so just to reassure you.  Nothing you're doing or not doing will have any effect.  Sadly.

The lies and deception go with addiction, sadly too. The disease pulls the person into insanity and does whatever it can to protect itself. I had known my husband for several years before I realized he had a problem, and for longer before I realized how deep his problem was. He was so, so good at hiding it. But eventually the craving takes over and comes out into the open.  It was after I got married that I really found out that my husband was an addict. Something about that extra being around all the time made it impossible to hide.

Another thing I wish someone had told me earlier is that only about 20%-25% of alcoholics who go into recovery achieve longterm sobriety. (And a lot never go into recovery.) I don't know what the statistics are for drug addiction, but I wouldn't bet it's better than alcoholism.

A thought about divorce. Of course a lot of people will have strong feelings and tell you what to do here. One thing I wished someone had asked me: If you knew that nothing about what he's doing would ever change, what would you choose to do?  Because a lot of my choices were based on the idea that eventually I could get him to see the light and he would change. Some people's partners do change -- but unfortunately they change on their own time line, not on ours.  It could be next week, but it could be in forty years.

I don't have an inside line to God's thoughts, but I do know the history of Christianity, which is part of my job. For the entire history of Christianity, spouses have sometimes chosen to live apart. This is with the approval of the Church -- in fact at many points the Church has thought it was an extra holy thing to do, because without the turmoil of everyday relationships, people are freer to concentrate on higher things. So one option you have is to go back to your home state and live apart from your husband, but without divorcing him. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It does sound to me as if some quiet space to think would be helpful for you.  But as a counselor once said to me, "Sometimes you have to keep touching the stove until you're sure it's hot."

Whatever your next move, please take care of yourself.  I hope you will keep coming back.

He came home after 24 hours and it was touch and go for about an hour- he was going to send me back to the US and "get help on his own." It didn't help that his parents were here and his mom was screaming and yelling at him, telling him she wants him as far away from her family as possible. (His brother is ALSO an addict and they care for him at home when he binges, or occasionally if he's really bad they force him into rehab, where nothing changes because it's not HIS choice to be there!) But we were finally able to leave the house and sit and talk without them at the park and I told him he needs help, he can't do it on his own. He is a prideful man, and like one other lady posted here, he wants God to just do it and he thinks if he prays enough or studies enough, that's all he needs. But I heard a man say once that YES, we are spiritual beings, but we are also FLESHLY beings, and we can't just care for ONE side of our nature. We have to understand and deal with BOTH, and for addicts this means getting help and support. Anyway, after talking for about 20 minutes- calmly, not yelling- he said "come with me to the pay phone," and I did, without knowing what he was going to do. He had a card in his wallet from a good rehab center here in the city. He knows the man that runs it, through his brother, who has been there. So he called the guy and told him he has a problem and really needs some help and asked if he could come in right away. Javier told him he could and I went to get what he needed from the house while he waited- he didn't want to see his mom. His parents were still at the house when I got back and his mom was furious that I was packing things for him; she even went so far as to tell me that he would either sell his Bible for drugs or use the pages to roll joints! She said "You will see in an hour that he's lying because we are going to call and see if he arrives!" Of course, their lack of support made it alot worse but I went back to the park, gave him ten pesos for the bus (that's like a dollar!) and watched hm walk away... An hour later I spoke to Javier and my husband arrived safe and sound at the rehab center and he has now been there for almost 3 days. I am meeting with Javier this afternoon to find out what the plan is, but Jorge went to rehab WILLINGLY and he even made the call himself! I am hoping and praying this is the turning point. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks.
Rhonda

I went today to talk to the director of the center. My in-laws refused to allow me to go alone- they wanted to control what I said to Javier (the director) and monitor everything, and justify themselves in front of them in case Jorge told them how insane they have been... Anyway, Javvier said part of Jorge's treatment will include getting me into a group and counseling too. Thank God! He was telling me that there is a huge need here for narcanon and alanon groups for women and kids... My father-in-law jumped in and told him I could facilitate them, because I am good with things like that! I am so irritated with my inlaws right now... Good grief, get out of the middle of this and let your son recover, and let me heal and grow! Don't try to control all the details!!! Grrrrr....
Anyway, Jorge is doing well, sleeping alot as he detoxes, and Javier says next sunday I can go see him. One more week... Hopefully by then they will have convinced him to stay longer than the 15 days he requested... And hopefully I can prevent his parents from going with me to see him! :-/
Thank you everyone...