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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Protect or stand firm?
Post Info TOPIC: Protect or stand firm?
yuckfaster


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Hi everyone -- I need some advice here.

My live-in gf is a serious alcoholic who also has an intense anger problem.  This toxic combination is compounded by bouts of paranoia that accompany her drinking.

Most days, her drinking makes her extremely comabtive and accusatory.  If we are at a restaurant, she will not only think that random people are "talking sh**" about her, but will also start screaming to them that she will "kick their ass."  This often leads to security and/or police involvement.

This happens only when she drinks... which, unfortunately, is every single day... and multiple times each day.

One common outcome of this is that she will tell me that "you don't have my back" -- because I don't hear the non-existent chatter and trash-talking she believes is directed at her by others.  I honestly don't know what my appropriate response should be for this.

As I don't want to join in the paranoia or say something I absolutely don't believe, I usually tell her that she was mistaken... which leads to her saying, "fine -- leave me alone"... and then running off.

I try to resist chasing after her, but feel that there is a real threat of immediate personal injury.  Today, for instance, she "tried" to jump off the second story of a parking lot.  I grabber her before she could get over the ledge, of course, so I don't know if this is something she'd ever go through with... but this type of thing happens ALL the time.

Also today, she walked into oncoming traffic and was eventually pulled over by the police.  It's very hard for me NOT to chase after her in these situations -- even though I realize I'm just validating her actions when I do.

As many of you have probably also experienced, this is just the tip of the iceberg.  We were supposed to go to Hawaii today, but couldn't make it onto the plane because she started accusing other people at the gate of "talking sh**" about her... and threatened to beat many people up -- old women, men, teenagers, it doesn't matter. 
The plane was originally delayed for maintenance, and she took this as a chance to blame me for intentionally sabotaging her birthday -- as if I were singularly responsible for the delay... and that she was the only person affected by it.  She screamed and cried at the top of her lungs to everyone about this at the airport... people from several gates down could hear it.

And this is the part that gets me... she has been looking forward to the trip for a while now, but has no problem destroying it just so she can feel bad for herself.  I assume she knows that she is ultimately the one who is sabotaging all of these things, but is just lying to herself... consciously, not just sub-concsiously.

Sorry for the long diatribe, but here are my main questions:
1. what should i do when she threatens to run off, particularly when there is a threat of immediate danger?

2. how do i handle situations where her paranoia comes into play?  should i continue telling her that she is wrong (which typically leads to #1 above), or is there another approach?

3. should i even bother trying to do anything nice for her anymore?  I feel as though i'm just rewarding all the atrocious behavior. She does have stretches where she is sober and nice for a few hours (or even a couple days), and those times make me want to do something nice... but usually between the time I buy a gift and when I'm supposed to give it, she does something horrendous that really makes me just want to give up.

Thank you for any advice or insight you can provide.  I'm utterly lost on how to handle this.

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pinkchip


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I'm not seeing what is rewarding in this relationship at all. She sounds really psychiatrically unstable as well as having a major substance abuse problem. What part of you thinks this is a good person to be with? I am not trying to put you down in any way shape or form. Only to have you take an honest look at what you wrote. What would you tell a friend that had a crazy drunk psycho girlfriend that embarassed them, abused them, and treated them like crap?

Ultimately, I am really sorry you are going through this. More so, I am sorry that any part of you thinks you deserve this abuse. You don't.

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pinkchip


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If she is really going to hurt herself, call the police.  They will have her hospitalized.  It is not your duty to stop her and that puts you in harm's way.

It really does sound like she is FAR FAR beyond any help you could give her.  That level of instability sounds like time for rehab but she has to be the one to want to go.

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Jerry F


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Aloha Yuck...boy are those memories from my past and I'm glad I came across
and got into Al-Anon when I did.  We are a step program and our first step
says, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become
unmanageable."   Does that fit...kinda sorta?  I had a girl friend which displayed
the same emotional and behavioral things you describe here and I wasn't
qualified to handle any of it...none...nada and sorry but we broke up before I
could get any further because my family didn't want me bringing her into the
family and trying to graf her on to one of the branches.   Your girlfriend sounds
in need of professional help as Pinkchip suggests.  Professionals know those
ropes and rarely do any of us...we're powerless.  It does sound like an inpatient
project from my experience as a counselor in both in and out patient recovery.
May I suggest trying to contact her family?  If not try calling one of the local
rehabs and telling them your story and asking them for feedback or other help.
What I've done in the past might not work for you so try calling on the
professionals.  If you're planning to hanging around with her for a while contact
the Al-Anon hotline and check out the face to face meetings in your area.  That
will help alot.

smile

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pinkchip


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Yuck...if there was an edit button for my post, I would use it.  What I meant to get across is that it sounds like your situation is pretty chaotic.  I know because I have been there.  My partner would scream at me and make scenes in public at times too.  More so, he started to pass out in public and I was left feeling so helpless and scared and confused.  It progressed to be a dangerous situation beyond my control.  I did have to call the police on him when he took pills and tried to kill himself while hammered drunk. I am sure there are some qualities about your girlfriend that are good, but in my experience, I had to weigh out how much suffering I was doing trying to manage and fix problems that I had no control over at all (the partner's depression, his drinking) versus how much gain I was getting from the relationship. 

If you look at the steps, the anwser is there.  You are powerless over her drinking and how she acts when she does it.  The frantic efforts to manage it causes insanity.  In step 2 you fid a higher power to stop this cycle and return you to peace.  Your decision to stay in the relationship or not will come naturally through some work on self that is available in the program.

I wish you the best and was responding out of concern for your safety...not judging.  Your life decisions are yours and you have support here of course no matter what you decide to do.

Mark

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Debilyn


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Does no good to chase them. They are an adult, must answer for their own behavior. When we chase them, hunt for them, we are giving them attention for negative behavior and enabling this behavior.

Chances are if we ignore them, give them to God, they won't get the reaction they want and not use it as much or at all.

There is no reasonable way to deal with paranoia. It's a kind of insanity. I would just say. "Maybe you are right." period.

Again no attention for negative behavior.

Hey if this was anyone else would you buy them presents, go out of your way to do anything for them?

When my AH, toward the end was so sick, I quit doing his wash, did not cook for him or anything. I was not mean. Just took care of me.

We reward the "disease" when we play into this insanity.

Al Anon will help you if you work it! "Getting Them Sober" helped me so much. volume one.

Meetings are GREAT. The more you educate yourself the better.

Right now you are making sure the disease has everything it wants, and it is flourishing, killing your A.

My AH would take off driving when he could not walk.Take 20 different pills and drink!

We have NO control over the A. We did not cause it, cannot control it, we cannot cure it.

She is terribly ill.

When she puts herself in danger, the prudent thing to do, as we woulf for anyone else is call the police, or sheriff dept.

Buy YOU presents! Once you start taking care of you, and get to healing, you will look at this all different and in a healthy way.

Their disease makes us sick. We forget our own needs, we see them being so needy so we try to take care of them. Natural thing to do, but NOT what the A needs.

Keep coming! love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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