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Hi - just checking in - I am new to my recovery but I held a boundary and I am proud of myself so I wanted to share.
I had set a boundary that AH could not go out when I was to go to work (I work the overnight shift). I told him he's been unsafe when caring for the children in the past and if I am not there I do not trust that he would come home sober. This talk was one week after I had "the big talk" and he was still feeling shameful so agreed with the boundary.
Almost one week later he brought it up. Accused me of "talking at him" and not allowing him to speak. Wanted to discuss going out - had a couple of events coming up that "he had to be at" and said he would either abstain or just have "1 or 2 drinks". I held. Then I got "so I'm not allowed to go out when your not here?!!!" (fighting words - trying to provoke) blah, blah, blah. I held. He fumed.
After another week of sweet behavior and wonderful co-parenting he asked if we could "talk". "I really need to attend this event this weekend. I will just have a couple or not drink and I will come see you before I pick up the kids at my mother's so you can check me." I was floored. Really??? I'm probation officer now??? I don't think so.
I had to shut my mouth and really sort out my feelings. I almost caved. I felt just like I do when my adolescent follows me from room to room badgering me when he doesn't like my answer to one of his requests.
This is hard.
So, I realized that 1. He will drink whether or not I give in. I cannot believe him. 2. My priority here is to my childrens' safety. 3. I don't have a drinking problem...I have a childcare issue.
So, I called my mother in law. Told her my H was going out when I had to work. I was concerned about him "putting them in the car" after being out (that's all she can really hear - she's part of this whole crazy family system.) and asked if the kids could stay over night. She was delighted - they would have pancakes etc etc.
I mentioned very calmly to my AH that I had arranged for the kids to stay at Nana's overnight when I went to work since he was going out. I did not apologize. I did not explain myself. I let the silence hang in the air.
He said "is this because you don't trust me?" (bait)
I said "this is because you are going out when I am working and I need this so I can feel comfortable."
No response.
Now the problem is back where it belongs. Squarely on his shoulders. My kids are safe. I am disengaged and any consequences will be his alone.
Thanks for reading - K.
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
My first post here, but my first reaction was--why did YOU arrange the child care? If he wants to go out and is a big boy, he should have arranged it. Right?
Taking care of yourself first allowed you to not only take care of you but also your kids. Trust can go just so far. (One or two drinks........or three or four..........or more). Active alcoholism, drinking, driving, and kids don't mix.
Great responses, a positive solution was arrived at by staying on topic.
You knew the first step-- that you were powerless over alcohol so you arrived at solution without going off topic and arguing about who should arrange for the children to stay over.
Your boundary, you are responsible. No reactions only successful actions.
I had to arrange the childcare so that I would know the kids were set to be gone overnight. He would have negotiated with his mother to pick them up. I was able to be clear with her that I wanted them overnight.
I had to detach from thinking about "what was fair" to thinking about "what is safe" and the hell with the rest.
Now, if he drinks and drives or drinks and passes out or ...fill in the blanks... - it is all on him. The kids won't be part or witness to any of it.
Does that make sense?
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
