The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was in a meeting the other day where a woman was sharing that she created a boundry and enforced it. She was feeling proud of herself for enforcing and following thru with her boundry but at a loss as to what to do now....
I remember so well being there. I made the boundry "if you drink then you will not be allowed to live here with the family." and I enforced that boundry. I followed thru and kicked him out when he used. And sure, he stopped drinking, long enough to get back in the house (after all, the boundry was he wasn't allowed to drink and live with us....no drinking so.....he must be allowed to live with us.....guess I didn't think that one thru.....)And not too long after that, he started drinking again....and I kicked him out again....he stopped drinking, moved home, started drinking, got kicked out....well, you see where this is going....I didn't at the time but now I do....
I was in this program but not understanding that I was dealing with a disease....it had NOTHING to do with what I wanted, what I did, what I enforced, or where he lived. It had to do with HIM and his disease. Simple. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it.
Anyway, after the millionth time we did this dance, I finally decided that I no longer wanted to do this dance. It didn't matter where he laid his head, he was still an A. So, my next decision was to decide if I was ok with him living in the home and still drinking. I made peace with that decision. He lived there and hid his drinking from me (his choice...his disease...habits are hard to break). Lived like that until I decided that I couldn't live that way anymore and I left.
I left for my own sanity and safety. I couldn't fight Aism because I am powerless over alcohol. But I did have the power, the right and the strength to change MYself. And so, I did.
Not thinking it thru is generally thought to be an A's issue....and maybe I thought thru my "drinking = get out" and figured it would force him to stop. That he wouldn't want to lose the kids or the house or me.....I just didn't think thru that he had a disease that if not being treated is insanity. And nothing I could do or say would change that or him.
I thought I was protecting myself with my boundry but I was actually still trying to control...even still, I learned. I make mistakes and learn from them.
Boundaries are made for you not the drinker. If you are making boundaries because you want to force an outcome, it wont happen as you realized.
Alcoholics are like children, it takes many attempts to make them realize. I threw the XAH out so many times, it wore me down. I finally made the decision for myself that " I do not want to live with an alcoholic, period.
I also finally realized that it also has something to do with the dynamics of our relationship. There was also a flaw in the relationship. It wasnt just the drinking. We were together 28 years. I didnt want to let go of this marriage even though it was killing me. I wanted him sober for me. Wrong.
Separated 2 1/2 years, today he is sober by the intervention of his HP. He is everything I wanted him to be, "SOBER"! We are good friends and I am happy for him. I know we can never be under the same roof. I would never want that dynamic to happen again. We both have grown so much. Hes been better off living alone. Me too.
This is not to say that marriages dont work for alcoholics and their spouses, but I have seen the disease progress to a monstrous level in my case. I had to let go.
Don't be hard on yourself. We love them and want them to be sober and want them to live, there's nothing wrong with that. We are not professionals in regard to this disease. Thats what the alcoholic needs , professionals and a recovery program and until they want it, we are powerless.
Keep coming back and believe in your HP... luv, Bettina
(((free))), I also put into place the boundary ĻIf you drink, you cannot live here with meĻ. I did it not because I thought it would make him realize what he was losing and therefore change his ways, I did it because I was at the point I could no longer stand having him around. For reasons involving a change in his medication that his dr. thought would have positive results, I lifted the boundary and gave things another try. Ah was doing great for awhile then he fell off the wagon. Hard. That was over a week ago and he's been doing great again since then.Which is something of an improvement over the drinking every day. Right now I'm rethinking the whole thing. I love him and want to be with him. I'm trying to live with the situation and maybe with HP's help I can. Right now ah is gone for two weeks, visiting family in the U.S. I've been looking forward to this time alone to see how it feels and think things through. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and insight.
