The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
EMG's post (just before this one) really rang true for me. I am still married to my AH. After more than 10 years I sit here and wonder why I am letting it continue. About 3 years of heavy drinking, 4 years of detached sobriety, 3 more years of heavy drinking, lying and financial hardship, and now we are entering a year into benzo (prescription) withdrawal and more drinking. I realize I have lost some of the best years of my life to this disease. I am almost 43. As we close in on the anniversary of his last benzo...I wonder if this will ever end. And when the benzo withdrawal ends, I know I am still left to deal with the alcoholic. I also know I am not willing to live with alcoholic behaviours. Yet, I stay because I feel so damn guilty. I know it is a disease. I know he didn't choose to be this way. I also believe in my marriage vows and fear that I am breaking them "in sickness and in health". I am looking forward to the work week, because it gets me out of the house and I can focus on my job, which I love. I am starting to dread the weekends because I honestly dislike even being around him. I was at my daughter's school on Friday. Her dad was picking her up b/c the babysitter had an appt. I got off early to surprise her. As we were standing outside I realized I was embarrassed of him. I felt so guilty, but I didn't want the other parents to associate me and my kids with this guy who talked so loudly, acted so foolish (he threw a snowball at me while we were waiting), etc. I often get into my car and drive and think about how this is not the way I had planned my life. It makes me sad, b/c I can't get back those years. As I turn into the driveway, I think about my kids and how much I love them, b/c otherwise I wouldn't even want to go back into the house. I hate myself for these thoughts. I consider myself a good person, I believe in God, and I have compassion...but when it comes to my AH I just have so much pain in my heart and I don't want to risk losing the next half of my life to this stupid disease. Saturday I picked my other daughter up from a friend's house. Her parents had arranged a skating/hockey game and bon fire. When I arrived, everyone was outside, having a beer (safely) and the kids were having a blast. I am ashamed to say I felt jealous and angry and actually cried about it. That's what I want for my Saturday nights...not laying in bed praying that he won't get so drunk that he becomes nasty or something. Why do I feel so damn responsible and guilty? I hope it's true that at one point I will finally feel ready to go. I only hope I have the guts to do it sooner than later. I wish I had the guts and means to do it many years ago. Anyways, those are my thoughts...
Hi Lynn, I read your story and even though many Al-anon's have different stories, mine seems very similar to yours, except I'm pretty much in financial ruin, but I know that can be fixed with time, and almost done with a BA degree.
All I have to tell you is that you are doing great in coming back.
******Yes, alcoholism is a disease that nobody chose. However, in my expirience, I always found myself making excuses for his behavior and am I supposed to? are we supposed to? I imagine that is a question only you can answer. Every person is different. *****
I was raised in a religion that is beautiful to me yet there is a constant sense of guilt (got sin? lol) but you know, The Higher Power of my understanding in REALITY, does NOT want me feeling guilty all the time. The Higher Power of my understanding, loves me, knows my situation, knows my loved one's situation, know's are flaws, knows our beauty, and although all these things are going on (the free will's of others we cannot control), I'm becoming stronger, wiser, and more appreciative of the great things that I do have.
I have a 29 year old friend right now who only has a month to live (cancer) and it gives me so much shame when I stress so much about the future, when he is in so much pain, yet enjoying the last minutes of his life with those he loves.
Enjoy this moment, the present with the beautiful things you do have......the rest will follow.
Aloha Looking...your share came right out of my story with exceptions. I've been in Al-Anon for a long while and so the story after the story of getting into the program and taking and following the suggestions given to me when I would listen and want to do something other than what I was choosing is not in your share. I found out from others in the program that the feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, shame and all the others while knowing that I was good person are....normal for untreated disease. I've thought, felt and done what you have and I don't anymore and it is not because my alcoholic and I finally parted; it is because I learned a new and different way of thinking, feeling and acting even while we were together and she was still drinking. You will continue to feel, think and act the way you are now until you learn from the fellowship how to do something different. I learned I was responsible for how I chose to think, feel and act and after that unbelievable notice that I got from the program I took my focus off of my alcoholic wife and went about investigating if what I was being told and taught was actually true. It was. My life was unmanagable because I turned the responsibility for my happiness and peace of mind over to an alcoholic who didn't want the job and didn't know how to do it on top of that.
I accepted her one hundred percent for who and what she was and no longer felt ashamed of her or to be in her presence. She was truely and alcoholic addict with very unacceptable behaviors and thoughts and she was....a child of God with some very wonderful parts to her. Alcoholism blurred the lines and became the only thing that ruled and then ruined us. I got my mind, emotions, spirit and behaviors back within the rooms of Al-Anon.
If you have not followed up on that suggestion yet I deeply encourage to do it and do as many meetings as you can in the next 90days one day at a time. Get as much literature as you can afford and get and read it all. Our daily readers are appended by subject matter so if your problem is guilt or shame you can go right to the pages on that subject and get clarity. The meetings are free...there is no charge...we are self supporting from our own contributions. Try that with a therapist.
Get to the meeting...find your chair, sit down listen, learn and practice something new. You will be allowed to complain and fight it for a while like I did until I got to weary of watching people get happy around me and I was choosing to be the opposite. Keep coming back to MIP also. Every excuse not to come back to those who have been where you are at, came to understand and made profound changes in their lives results in your situation getting worse.
Jerry is so full of wisdom and hope and strength. I wish I could be more like that. I try and try and it does get a bit easier, but then there's a setback, and I'm at square one again.
I have been in plenty of those embarassing situations, where I am so embarassed that people know he's my husband! I have learned to not react (yell at him or get mad at him for it), and I feel WAY better because of it....even though it's hard at first, in the long run, it pays off because I know if I were to get mad, he would say ridiculous crap and we would go at it for hours, I would get caught up in the madness of it all...something would come over me, my 'drug' so to speak, and I wouldn't be able to stop.
I too have had my share of embarrassing moments, including last night. The funny thing is, like one of the other responders, I no longer feel embarrassed. I have accepted (the horribleness) as being outside of my control. Part of me feels guilty because when I saw the shock on my guests faces and I just packed them up food and sent them off with hugs and kisses, they truly did not know how to react. I could tell they were looking for reassurance for something. My safety? My sanity? That I'm not included in my AH's insanity? Me to apologize for his incredibly obnoxious and rude behavior? Waiting for him to come apologize? (Which would never happen in the near future or perhaps even the far future.)
I appreciated reading your story. Thank you for sharing.
