Usedtobeanyer,

You have heard it before and it was what I was told over and over, practice, practice, practice. I never found a magic pill. When we live with, and in this disease we become obsessed with our alcoholic. I have asked myself the same questions you are asking yourself, never got any answers. I couldn't get in my A's head. Without knowing or realizing we become programed to our own addiction, our alcoholic. You are certainly not unique to this problem. It's in our genes, our DNA, we become absorbed (crazy) without realizing it.

Over time and with practice, little by little, I was able to apply the program to protect me and help me unlearn what was making my life unmanageable. The keys of the program I needed to apply were: (Acceptance), Acceptance that I was powerless. I could waste my time, energy, and serenity or I could change. (Focusing on myself and not the alcoholic in my life) Continue to guard myself from the obsession of putting the focus on my A, and not where it needed to be on me. (Taking care of myself first). Nothing, absolutely nothing I had done, be it thinking about it, talking about it, or worrying about it, had changed one single thing except make my life unmanageable. (Detaching) Not allowing myself to be continually caught up in the A's junk. Why should I allow a disease, heck it's not even a person, to control my life. It's not like I don't care for my A, it's that my health and well being come first and foremost, I had to learn in my own way how to let go and detach from the everyday chaos.

Acceptance, focusing on myself not the A's in my life, taking care of myself first, and detaching is what brought sanity and serenity to my life. It didn't happen overnight. It was a struggle, it is a struggle, because doing to opposite is tempting. As I stated earlier it's in my genes, my DNA. I'm human and I would be lying if I said I didn't take a step back form time to time. One of those tempting times was a couple of weeks ago when I realized my A had added Kahlua to her addiction along with beer. All the old thoughts, worries, and concerns flashed back in my head. I caught myself and realized once again this is a progressive disease that continues to take over the mind, body, and spirit.....I am powerless over alcohol.....she is in HP's hands.

They are going to do what they are going to do. The important thing is what are we going to do? As I have said before, for me it all goes back to Step One with a twist......I am powerless over alcohol.......but I "will not" allow it to make my life unmanageable.

Hugs,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 5th of February 2011 03:56:23 PM

-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 5th of February 2011 04:06:23 PM

Wow!!  What you have done here and the responses you have received is exactly what saved my butt when I first found the rooms of Al-Anon.

I had to say to myself and remind myself to ask, "Please help me" without knowing at the start what was wrong with me.  You have come to understand something about yourself which is a huge problem in your life...it isn't your alcoholic...IT'S YOU!!. 

RLC and GLAD LEE are exactly the type
of membership (knowledgable) I sat at the knees of.  They knew and knew that they knew and I needed what they had very very badly.  So here's a tip...after listening practice as RLC suggest.  Practice until the new becomes the usual and the habit or default disappears.  That is what worked(s) for me.  What I did to restructure my own
behavior (its about what I do not what I think) was memorize the slogans and
steps and experiences of others and the literature and practice it even when I didn't need it at the time. 

Getting a sponsor in program was a huge help for me.  I over came the fear of asking someone to sponsor me and asked.  The benefit was that I got someone who knew how to do something different than what I was doing that didn't work.  My sponsor(s) used to talk to me the way Glad Lee has done here.  It saved my mind, body, spirit and emotions. 

I learned how to apologize openly to my alcoholic and others when I found myself not following what I was being taught.  That's not for everyone because most people I was in connection with
didn't know what it was that I was trying to do and didn't know about my alcoholic(ism) and my attempts at recovery.  My apologies were for me only as affirmations when I was deviating from RLC's practice, practice,
practice.  I was doing the old things that
didn't work before so when I caught myself I would say, "I apologize for doing that (whatever)...I didn't need to and will stop."   I got some "funny" looks or some "are you serious?" retorts and I learned to respond appropriately without breaking my or my alcoholic's
anonymity.

You are soooo worth it,Usetobe and I
am glad you are a fellow member of MIP
and Al-Anon,the same program that has
saved me entirely.  Giving up habitual attempts at controlling the alcoholic or anything else you have no control over is like stopping hugging a porqupine.
Their cute and they like to be cuddled
but it hurts like hell.

Good work and courage.  Keep coming back.
(((((hugs)))))

-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 5th of February 2011 05:11:53 PM

It may seem big.

But if you don't already have a Higher Power.... invent one that is BIGGER.  My HP owns the whole universe!

Peek at steps 6 and 7. God is going to remove that defect from you. You only have to be entirely ready for it to be removed and humbly ask Him to do so.

Your sponsor will walk you though this. ((hugs))

-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 6th of February 2011 10:22:04 AM

Good usedtobe.

Nothing bad when you know what the problem is. Realizing, admitting, and accepting what our problems are is 90% of the battle.

The opposite would be denial. That's the 90% I always had problems with, then asking myself the questions: What is my part in this, and what can I do to correct it?

My answer would always come back to those three dreaded words, practice, practice, practice.

HUGS,
RLC