The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wow I feel like the deeper I dig and work on myself the pain starts to come up faster and worse when I get triggered. I feel like every layer I peel back I realize I'm still in denial about so many things.
As an update, it's been 11 months since I asked my AH to leave our house. Our son was 8 months at the time and is now 19 months. I feel like he and I have been thriving in this healthy environment. My family has been very supportive and I've been able to work fulltime,speak with sponsor almost every week and go to 2-3 F2F meetings (most weeks!). I also have been going to an individual therapist (one a month or so). That said, my AH says he's sober and has been saying this for about 6 months now. He's been going to an addiction therapist weekly for almost 6 months now but that's it. One hour a week, no AA no sponsor.. Anyway, He has been coming around on the weekends and occasional days during the week to spend time with his son & I (But hardly with any frequency - I haven't been tracking on paper or anything) . During these times he's been sober (to my knowledge) because that is one of my boundaries. We usually have an OK time because the focus is on the baby, not so much on us. We've had a few nice nights but it's just sitting watching TV or a movie. So, over the holidays we both had a week vacation off and I suggested he stay with us for the week 'stay-cation' as a trial period. It mostly went ok, I had more than one bout of anxiety and suspicion that he was still drinking as he was acting funny and he even slept on the couch for two nights. Which really confused me because he had been saying all he wanted to do was wake up next to me. (I went to 3 F2F meetings , TG!) Fast forward to the week after that, my father was taking out the recycling and found a nip within a box within a box within a box. I cried and said like a million prayers. I had an aha moment on my drive to a meeting and my HP said to me "Tell him you love him anyway". So that's what I did, but I'm still so sad and MAD. (On the plus side, I'm not NUMB anymore.) AH said that he found the nip in the road and just threw it in the recycling. (Recycling goes out every other week and I don't have any alcohol in my house, so I knew it wasn't there before) He then said that I was sleeping and he forgot to mention it to me at the time. Honestly, part of me wants to believe him but I'm so hurt and keep looking at the PAST (bad, bad bad to do) . Any really it's such a tiny trivial thing in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, it was a trigger for me. It's brought back all those frustrated, hurt, angry, lost feelings. (Need to work on my detachment, clearly) I also caught him smoking a cig. that week but I didn't react. He just said that he was dealing w/ stress.
This was the week we also found out his father has Stage 4 throat cancer and clearly he doesn't know how to handle stress.
These past 11 months I really feel like I've been doing better. I know I can handle being a single Mom, finances, finding time for myself and doing things for me! Why is it that he somehow he still has the ability to put me right back to step one? and WHY am I letting him have that power? I think the root is that I'm in fear (false evidence appearing real) of changing my life further. Either having him come back home and divorcing him. For a while I was thinking that making no decision is a decision but lately, I'm feeling pressure about being in limbo (from him mostly). I had also set a boundary that if he wanted to come home, we needed to go to couples therapy and he Just setup an appointment (after I told him that 8 months ago). This week and last he called me in a rage about 'the situation' how he's not home and that's all he wants. I feel like I was his shrink and I 'talked' him off the ledge. But he kept throwing out the D word but when I asked him why, he kept saying, cuz' that's what I think you want. I told him, I don't know what I want! But now this is where the layer of denial is coming out.. I think I know what I want. I want to be happy and I've been happy on my own. But I feel bad telling him that I don't need him. Oh god, seriously, I'm feeling compassion for him being an addict and there we go, I've been feeling like I'm in denial that I actually don't want to even try marriage counseling and just want to end this. Of course, just yesterday I went back to 'ok, I should give him another chance if he says he's sober'. It all goes to my expectations and how I can't have any, but I have some for myself. Isn't that healthy?? I want to be in a relaxed, healthy living environment and having him and his anger around, does not suit what I expect for ME! I think I still love him and maybe that's what's up, I love the thought of what he can be though, more than what he actually is. He's just a YES man with no action and I know that's his disease but I'm sick of even listening to it. If you read this far, god bless you. HUGS and I'll just keep coming. I hope my HP keeps leading me to do the next right thing (FOR ME, MY SON and our LIFE)
-- Edited by Goodtillitsbad on Friday 4th of February 2011 12:28:12 PM
Thanks for the share. Great awareness on your part.
Your program and awareness allowed you to see more clearly than before program ......."I love the thought of what he can be though, more than what he actually is".
Whatever decision you make by having, and keeping, HP in the picture will ensure you doing the next right thing for yourself.
I can tell by your post that you love your husband and while you want whats best for you and your son, you still want your marriage to work. Loving and being with an active or sober alcoholic can be so complicated and draining. I think your recognizing that.
Keep going to those face to face meetings and focus on yourself and your son....sounds like your already on the right path. Its a bumpy journey and many things to discover about ourselves along the way. Just remember to enjoy the journey all you can.
We can create a life that fits for our circumstances. You sound like your boundaries are in place.
One thing I realized being with the XAH for 26 years is that he can drink at any moment(which he did) and live in his denial forever, but I dont have too. I didnt have to prove to him that I knew he had been drinking or not. It wasnt the point anymore. It was all about my reaction and my detachment from the disease.
It is so important to work the steps and stay in close contact with your sponsor(which you seem to be doing) Its all up to us and what we choose. Being with and loving an alcoholic is challenging, nothing in life is all good or all bad but how we deal with it.
Keep up the good work and you will see the miracles. Luv, Bettina
It sounds to me like you are doing a very good job working on you and your serenity. You seem to be aware of what is happening with your A... and what you want out of life. I wish I had been that wise starting this jouney with my AH. You should be proud of yourself. You sound very mature.
You do sound as if you have a lot of awareness. And those storms of emotion are pretty normal for being involved in all this insanity.
A counselor I went to told me that she would not counsel anyone with an addiction unless they were in a comprehensive recovery program (AA, rehab, etc.) at the same time. Because otherwise it's useless -- unless they have a handle on the addiction, they won't be able to make any other changes. So I think this would mean that there's no need to feel guilty that you haven't given your AH the "chance" of going to counseling. Of course, maybe you're just thinking, "It's so hard to break up, maybe I should postpone it by trying a few more things?" That's what I certainly did. In the end I wish I had broken up sooner -- but I think we all try to make very, very sure before doing it.
What I wish someone had told me is that even of those who go into recovery programs, only something like 20%-25% achieve longterm sobriety. So those are the odds. Otherwise they do what drinkers do: they drink. It's so tempting to believe those protests about "This is how that bottle got there," isn't it? They lie to themselves so convincingly that they sound really truthful to us. And I so wanted to believe my AH. But he was doing what alcoholics do: they drink. Typically far more than we ever see.
