The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted a few days ago for the first time and I'm so grateful for the outreach and support.
I have spent so much time since then looking for local meetings and have found a few. I know there are more, and I will find times and schedules that work for me.
Today is 7 weeks since my youngest took his life. There are more good days than bad but the past few days feel almost as raw as the days right after Mike died. I know that I should go to a face to face meeting and I will, but at the moment I find that simply getting through the day is enough. We've had a rather amazing snowstorm here in the mid-west which has thankfully rendered me somewhat snowbound the past few days. Along with taking steps toward dealing with the fact that alcoholism is a disease which afflicts my husband I feel like I'm being hit square on top of the head with losing my son again.
Feeling very grateful that most of my clients have had to cancel appts the past few days and trying to prepare myself to work with clients later today, a few appointments throughout the weekend and then a long week ahead. Typically meeting with my clients lifts me up and I feel sure that will happen, but for the moment, I simply want to get through the morning.
I realize that the disease of alcohol is compounding this problem, I can't imagine going through this grief and loss while dealing with alcoholism, still that is what my husband is doing. He has stumbled during this time and I am not excusing it at all, he has to take steps to treat it, I realize only he can do that.
While it's my intention to get to a meeting this evening I'm just not sure how that will play out as there was little sleep last night. I have made another appointment with a counselor that I saw once before my son died. He specializes in assisting those going through substance abuse and their families. It's my hope that he is also adept at dealing with grief. I'll find out next week for sure.
I know that this will get better. The truth is that most days are okay and some are wonderful, I'm just feeling raw and overwhelmed at the moment. Going through lots of kleenex and feeling grateful to have my dog hanging around. Okay, going to have a cup of coffee and sit for a while. While praying and meditating have ranged from difficult to almost impossible since my son died, it feels like a good morning to give it another go. On the bright side of things, I'm convinced that my God listens and hears me regardless of my mood or level of focus. That's quite a relief.
Thanks for listening, I'm done with rambling for the moment. Only time will tell how much more will flow as the day unfolds.
(((Sandy))) I am so sorry to hear of your loss...and I know that alanon can help you through this, as I have heard so many times before how it teaches us new tools to deal with life. I know for me, when I don't feel like or want to go to a meeting is when I need one the most. And therapy helps, and I did therapy for 10 years, but alanon has helped me more in 5 months than therapy did ever in the 10 years and thousands of dollars I spent there. I am not saying to not go, I am saying what worked for me was Alanon and ACOA and Codependents Anon. The book The New Codependency helped me so much and so did ALanon's courage to change and As we understood... another great book is The Language of letting go. When we are so new in recovery, we need as much as we can get our hands on to give us strength. Keep coming here, go to meetings and get a sponsor :) Take care of you! Having that one person to talk to (sponsor) has been the greatest tool for me... and HP guiding me and helping me through each day too :)
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I am so glad that you returned to MIP and are connecting with us while you are looking for meetings.
I am so very sorry for your loss and know the pain. After I lost my son, I was unable to pray, and like you the belief that my God knew my heart and heard my unspoken prayer sustained me. The ability to pray and mediate did return.
This is a very difficult painful time for you. I found that breaking the isolation and just attending a meeting with al anon people helped. I could not share at the meetings but just being there was a comfort.
We have a chat room open 24/7 and on line meetings here 3 xs a day. While you sit at home with your wondeful puppy, you could log on to the chat room and feel the wonderful support available.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss. I relate to your grief, it's hard to get out of the house. And sometimes, I believe the best thing to do, is stay home and cuddle up with our pets and just cry. Take care of yourself, whatever that looks like. Sometimes I needed the fellowship, sometimes I needed my dogs. Be mindful of balance, avoid isolating. My mind plays tricks on me when I am alone too much.
It is likely that your husbands drinking is his way of numbing his grief. Alcohol is perceived to be comfort, of course it is never the solution, it only compounds problems. In al-anon, we finally know what the solution is... getting with Higher power. I used to reach for a drink too, it seemed "normal," like our cultural way of handling stress. Today, I reach for a meeting instead. That is where I find the solutions, by sitting with people who have walked in similar shoes.... it is sooo healing. I am forever grateful.
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I cannot imagine the pain your in right now , grief takes time as long as it takes is usually the rule ,no time limit .. yu are reaching out by comming here and sharring your feelings , that is a good thing and I hope you find what you need in the f2 f meetings you choose to attend , listen to the similarities not the differences and you will know your in the right place . thinking of you tonite . Louise
I am so sorry for your terrible loss, our family has suffered two in this awful way and the ways in which each of us has coped with our greif and healing are so personal,and individual to us.
You are so entitled to feeling overwhelmed and more, you have a lot to deal with at this time, and it is a blessing that you are able to out pour here, sadly these are not isolated cases and I personly found it very difficult to share about it anywhere, I hadn't found alanon at that time, I think you have a very good head on your shoulders and your optimism and strength are a credit to you, but please allow yourself to feel your feelings, much love to you and your family, I am thinking of you. x
