Character defect? - Al-Anon Family Group

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Character defect?

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

as an acoa, we are always taking responsibility for other's actions- we are too acountable or we are taking blame/responsibility for things we did not do - this is what I see there - the person missed the deadline and it was their responsibility to get it in on the right date/time or whatever.

It stems from us always being blamed as kids - for the disease (patterns of thought and beahvior) that we here learn at home. Fear of not taking action meant the other shoe dropped and we got it later on and everything comes crashing down. Luckily most relationships in the (outside) world is not as unfair and unreasonable as our past - soemtimes the world is and we are working with very sick and toxic people. It happens there are tons of us out there. Im glad ur co worker helped u sort it out and could help u to see/perceive that this is not your responsibility. Boundaries help us with this too, I think. Working to see what other people can be accountable for and what you can resepctfully give back to them with boundaries and loving attitude of detachment.

It really helps me to not judge others, to merely remind myself that what happens in our (and everyone's) lives is a consequence of the action we take, that is all - it isnt personal, it is merely a consequence. Let others have theirs! And slowly continue to stop taking respopnsbility for the rest of the whole world and just do -you- and only you. It is a relief to let it go and stop beating the self up, ur on ur way, keep at it. Keep forgivng yourself for taking accountability of it all, let it go and keep transcending!

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

AWww thank you Kitty! Its awesome to hear :) I was taking it personally thats for sure ....Learning not to...Thank you for your wonderful words of wisdom and kindness :)

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I totally relate,as a child, if I wasn't a "good girl" making everyone happy, I ws labeled a "bad girl" and that was that. Go to your room! hehe

The steps walk me through my character defects... even though I was an acoa, I am still capable of being part of a problem. Was I selfish? self-seeking? dishonest? or fearful? Sometimes I can't see it, I need my sponsor for help. Once I see it.... I can change, that's the goal. The steps are for MY benefit. Since walking into the rooms of recovery, it has become sooo much easier for me to own my behavior and make prompt amends when I need to. My fear of being "bad" has diminished because what I found was... when I make amends, a lot of the time, people didn't care near as much as I did... even better, they are sooo grateful for my admission of guilt.... How many people do this??!! (in my experience, most people are trying to cover their butt, and it is so refreshing when people are so honest.) I've made amends at work and it seemed to enhance my reputation as an honest employee. I didn't grovel, I simply stood tall and said, "I made a mistake." I owned it, that's all I have to do. God is in charge of outcomes.

So far, it's been Good. Fear is the opposite of faith. We can trust the program.

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you so much glad lee :)

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate on sooooooo many levels about the whole being in trouble thing.

There's a driving need in myself to be "perfect" all the time - God forbid anyone find out I'm not! My sponsor puts it great... "I was so desperate to have people know me. But at the same time I was terrified they'd know me."

It's taken me a lot of time, but one of the biggest challenges I have in my recovery is to be okay with being wrong. That's right. I don't get to be "right" all the time. And on top of it, it's perfectly OKAY to not be right all the time.

Admitting to a fault or oversight... or that I simply am not capable of doing something that I had thought I could do before... they're all difficult tasks for me to accomplish, because dammit, I want everyone to think I'm so dang wonderful!! They're all supposed to look up to me! (Ooops! There I go again, thinking I'm God!)

It just takes practice. Practice to admit I'm wrong. Practice to make amends. Practice to know the world's not gonna end if I made a mistake.

Using the slogan "How important is it?" also helps me through the being wrong thing. I always put it in the scenario of my lying on my death bed. Will I seriously be tossing and turning on my death bed thinking "Ooooh! If only I'd not forgotten to check that email inbox!!" MOST of the times, most of the things I get myself worked up over end up being things I determine really are not THAT important - not so important that it's worth the price of my serenity - not so important it would keep me thrashing in despair on my death bed.

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Aloha :) You made me giggle about that, thinking of an email I didn't check while I am withering away... lol. So totally codependent huh? How important is it? I love that. Thanks

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