The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I have felt like I was at step 1 for a long time. Really since I first started with Al Anon. As I recall, it was pretty easy for me--I am powerless over my wife's drinking. There's nothing I can do about it. And things were certainly unmanageable. Ok, that was easy. And I felt good about it. It was such a refreshing change for someone who went into the program thinking that I could stop my wife's drinking, and thinking that it was my job to do so.
But events that have taken place over the last couple of weeks have made me realize that I really wasn't there yet, and maybe I am there now. It is not how I expected to get there and it doesn't feel like I thought it would. It feels very uncomfortable and very awkward and I feel very negative about everything. But I feel like I am there, and my therapist (recovering alcoholic) feels I am there as well.
Without going into too many details, the last couple of weeks reached a low point when I asked my wife to take an alcohol detection test and the results came back negative. I felt like an idiot, I felt horrible, I felt angry, I felt embarrassed, I felt something must have gone wrong with the test.
And I felt like that was it. I was done. I didn't care anymore. I pray that my kids are safe but that's it. I don't care about 12 steps anymore. I don't care about where this takes me. I don't care about getting better. I don't care about serenity or courage or anything like that. I don't care if my wife is drinking and I sure as hell will never ask her to do one of those tests again. I just want me wife to stay away from me if she's drunk and to not hurt our kids. There's nothing I can do about it anyway. I'm powerless over it--wait a minute--I'm powerless.
I don't feel like I get any of this anymore. I really don't. I feel so lost. The only thing I feel like I understand is my higher power. I truly feel like everything is happening for a reason and I am being guided on this journey. That is giving me comfort. Everything else feels so uncomfortable
-- Edited by usedtobeanyer on Thursday 3rd of February 2011 01:36:04 PM
I hear you and do believe that I recognize where you are emotionally. I know that intellectually I had accepted my powerlessness over this disease and knew that I could not control or stop it but deep down in my heart and soul I had not reached that acceptance stage. I too struggled and wanted to jump from awareness to action. I tried to force solutions and failed and then I heard that the program has the 3 As.
Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I needed to learn to accept.the situation at the emotional level. That is where my emotions understood at a deep level something I did not want to acknowledge nor accept.
For me Acceptance was painful at the beginning and i was grateful that I could then go on to step 2 and 3. If I was powerless then WHO had the Power? My world would fall apart unless I had control!!!!
Alanon said trust the program use the steps!!! Let HP restore you to sanity as in Step 2 and then turn your will over in the 3rd Step.
It really is a process and I am glad you are sharing the journey. You are doing fine. Remember to be gentle with yourself We have been affected by this disease and that is why we need recovery.
Asking your wife to take a sobriety test is NOT accepting step one * but I get it your not alone not much diff than those of us who did the kiss and sniff for booze routine so dont be so hard on yourself .. Indifference is a nasty place to be in not carring about anything its a cold and lonely place but at the time for me it felt safe ,no one could get to me just another way for me to hide behind denial .. double up on your meetings read all you can on acceptance find a page u like and work it - live it every page in our daily readers has a solution to our problem we just have to be looking for it . Acceptance truly is the answer to lifes problems , we dont have to agree with whats going on we dont have to condone it we just have to accept that we cannot change it . Someone once described themseves as the watcher in the woods , the one who hides in shadows to watch whats going on and doing nothing about it , I could relate to that , early on in recovery ask me a question about me and my life and I told you what HE was doing , I had no life . thanks to this program I learned to make myself happy , take care of myself emotionally and allow the alcoholic the dignity to come to his own conclusions . Obsession is the hardest part of this program for me to let go and mind my own business. and occasionally even today after alot of yrs in this program allowing people to be who they need to be is still tough , I dont really understand why , as that is all I wanted from others , but wasnt willing to give it to them .duh Simple program for complicated people .
Don't beat yourself up over asking her to take an alcohol test. Keep in mind she could be taking other substances from over-the-counter meds to prescription or worse. My AH used to take Sudafed as a crutch if not an addiction, and I had a very hard time telling the difference between when he was drinking and taking Sudafed. I don't mean to make you worry even more. I am only trying to let you know your instincts may not have been wrong.
As you work on recovery, hopefully you will get to a place where you truly don't care whether she has been drinking or some mood or other substance is affecting her. You will, instead, have boundaries and coping skills to deal with whatever behaviors she is exhibiting -- regardless of the source of those behaviors.
Most of all, do NOT GIVE UP. Think instead of what lessons you can learn from this episode. Was your HP telling you something?
They say it is a simple program not easy. The disease trains us to watch them, check on them, and not to believe them. And the disease is more powerful than us. You are right.....your HP has a plan for you.
I agree with the others. It's time to put the baseball bat down, the disease beats us up enough without us lending it a hand.........Instead pick up the program and let it beat on the disease for awhile. We have all done things we weren't proud of. I've certainly done my share. On the brighter side, she had not been drinking. At my house house the kiss test, alcohol test, or sniff test would not be necessary. I now accept that, but I fought that battle for years before I started taking care of me.
I can remember my sponsor asking me a few months after I had got in the program. Did you have a good week RLC ? When started my second sentence about what my wife had been doing that week my sponsor covered my mouth, looked me in the eye, and said, "I didn't ask what or how your wife is doing, I asked how you are doing". Then I was told that I needed to accept the things I cannot change, and that it would be easier done if I kept the focus on myself instead of the alcoholic in my life. Why are sponsor's always right?
This disease will pull and tug on you from all directions at the same time.......If you allow it!! I allowed it to happen for to many years. I had ups and downs in the program and I think most everyone does. It's not easy to always work the program, but I can guarantee you that if you do, it will be worth it.......it will pay rewards for you and your children. It's O.K. to give in to the disease, but please don't give up. You deserve it and as Abby always says, there needs to be at least one healthy person in the house (relationship).
Aloha Usedtobe...Depending on how you want to look at it that could be an "Ooops" or a gunshot to the foot, or a microscope with a cloudy lens or if you keep at it as most of the oldtimers have...An "Aha!!"...learning lesson. The pain of beating yourself up is also a part of the lesson because sometimes for me that was worse than anything the alcoholic was blamed for.
Practicing power and control is practicing what never worked in the past. It is what brought you here in the first place and just now.
The truth is I am not in control and never have been inspite of all of the attempts I made. What that also means is that I haven't turned control over to my Higher Power either...must have tricked HP turning it over and snatching it back just before HP got a hand on it.
So what was the consequence for your wife? Has she told you? Alcoholics are human beings, children of God with thoughts and emotions also. Though she is responsible for her health...her sobriety...it doesn't take much to trip a newly sober one and make them fall off the edge. That goes both ways also.
So you feel foolish. You might want to find a laugh in there somewhere that you lessen the seriousness you take yourself for. I've made some awful mistakes in this disease and the grace and mercy which was given me came from Al-Anon...in the closing you will hear the words "We are not perfect." This is a program of progression which works best if we are in the suggestions the elders have given to us.
Though you might not be at step 10 yet there is no reason not to read and contemplate it for the moment. In fairness we cannot get what we will not give and justice often is doing what we expect from others. My sponsor once taught me that "eating crow" isn't bad as long as I remove all the feathers and cook it well. Otherwise it tastes just like chicken. Forgive yourself also.
I've lost count at the number of times my sponsor has said to me
Back to step one.....you've lost focus on you
I think I use step one now as I am powerless over people places and things I can accept easily that I am powerless over alcohol its the people who drink I have problems with lol Or people who make my life difficult.
Its so easy for me to say i'm ok now because I'm working the program. I get in the way of my Higher Power and before I know it the un manageability is back.
Normally I can't see the chaos coming. I just know when I'm back in the middle of it. Quite frustrating but as I become more aware (and I've been doing this a long time now) I can begin to re claim my serenity. Its me thats giving my serenity away when I get my knickers in a twist about something. I'm learning to detach and re look at my boundaries
Unfortunately this program doesn't happen over night. I have to remember that I got sick of many years. I can only recover one day at a time
If this truly is step one, it just feels so much different than I expected this to feel. I just feel negative and angry and resigned to whatever will happen. But when I drill deeper into it, with the help of my therapist, I realize that maybe one of the reasons I feel so uncomfortable about where I am is because I've finally accepted that I'm not able to control this. And ultimately, that is a good, healthy thing. But it feels very uncomfortable. And that's about me. That's my issue.
My wife received her 3 month sobriety chip at her AA meeting this morning. I'm really pretty confident that she hasn't been sober for 3 months. But when I saw her this morning and she showed me her chip, I just felt such love for her. She seemed to be glowing. We hugged and I told her I was proud of her. I left the house feeling strange about it, but I just accepted it. Is she lying? Has she been sober for 3 months? I don't know. It doesn't matter.
I will try and let this experience be a learning lesson...there's part of me that keeps saying "no you fool, she was drunk! She just tricked you with the test!". And I can't seem to shut that voice up. But it's not getting me anywhere.
Look at it this way. If she has been drinking and getting her chips, she's not tricking you she is tricking herself. "It's call denial". My wife got her 3 months chip in July last year. She didn't tell me but someone else did. I told the person I was proud of her, and left it at that. "It's called denial".
They work their program and we work ours. I've got to put the focus on me and go forward. That's a full time job. My wife is in HP's hands 100%, I gave her to him over two years ago and told HP I wasn't taking her back like I had in the past. I haven't. I turned my police badge over to HP also. The pay was low for the hours I had to put in.
No your not a fool. Like me your married to an alcoholic. As far as Step One, everything comes back to step one. everything.
I remember being in wars like that...sure the enemy was out there and trying to get me only to discover the only one dressed for battle was myself and the only one I was fighting was myself.
You said you felt proud of her because she got her 90 day chip. Actually that was her chip, her effort, her work. Being sober is being normal...so she is trying to be normal. From this far out it looks like and sounds like it's not what you want, you need something to hold her feet to the fire. She isn't a bad person; she is a sick person trying to get well and whether she is or isn't you have already decided it won't be enough.
In our definition of alcoholism it states that we get as sick or sicker than the alcoholic. That sound ludicris however it's true. I got so sick I sabotaged my alcoholic's recovery and sent her back out to drink and use. It doesn't matter how or why or what my motive was or anything, I sabotaged my wife's sobriety and pushed her off the edge. She didn't have enough time in recovery to pull away from me and stay with it.
She has nothing to prove to you. If she doesn't get sober it will kill her with or without you. She will go insane or die with or without you. I have a friend in recovery who has 5 90 day chips. I met him in recovery over 16 years ago. Today he has 2 years plus and working for another day. He has gone to lengths farther and deeper than I have. He has worked harder to get and stay sober by the grace of God than I have as I have watched him fight to save his life, keep his business, his home, his son (as a single father) and his relationship with God.
His wife just didn't want to put up with it any longer and the most honest she could be was to just walk away. He didn't drink over it...I'm amazed at what he has done.
When I first got into Al-Anon I was also suspicious and judgemental of my alcoholic also...maybe that is why I responded to her the way I did and what the consequences were. No I cannot make an alcoholic drink but I can sure put alot of weight on ones shoulders so that they weaken.
If you're struggling with the 1st step maybe like it has already been suggested you're attempting to continue to self sponsor and not give up the position of her higher power. If you are convinced she has already or will fail...then she already has...why should she even try except for her own mind, body, spirit and emotional health? I'd suggest getting out of her way and doing what it is that you expect her to do.
By the way "liking" the journey is optional...we don't have to like it. All we have to do is work it if we want what others have achieved.
I have to take step 1 every day when I get up. Its a simple program of learning to focus on me one day at a time. its simple, but I make it complex. I have a sponsor to help me through. That is the only way I can make it through each day.
Don't beat yourself up, be gentle with yourself. Something I am learning about is surrendering. I have to surrender and stop trying to control everything. When I do that, I feel better. I turn my bf over to HP and I try to get out of the way. We all slip and we can get back up and try and work again... It works when we work it, did you get a sponsor yet? It helps. It really does.
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
By the time I crawled into the rooms, I welcomed step one with my AH because I could already see that I had no power over him or his drinking, and my life had indeed become unmanageable. The disease had reduced me to throwing things at him, putting a hole in the wall, and breaking the kitchen window. That was the day I realized I was truly insane, I had hit my bottom.
In other areas of my life, it's not been so easy to accept my powerlessness. For me, I believe it's because my ego is being crushed.... I sooo want control, and I'm just frustrated that I don't have it!! I have learned it is futile to keep praying, "God I want your will and I want THIS too."
My resistance to reality as it is, is like trying to row upstream, it's very stressful and I feel it in my body, I get so tense. Acceptance is like letting go, dropping the oars and flowing with the current. It's a surrender. It feels better. I have a choice, I can fight with HP, and believe me....I have. I just never win.
Surrender. And then comes the good part.... practicing TRUST. It gets better.
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 4th of February 2011 11:37:52 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
