((( Jozie )))  I can relate to your story a lil bit -- my mom was always always taking my pictures as a kid, and for some reason I hated it.  I hate seeing the camera come out and even though I love love looking at the pictures later as some sort of morbid curiosity about how I was in that moment &/or how I felt (bc of all the pain over the years - I feel I can always still see that pain in my face and I wonder how no one else could be aware of it ugh) so ya I love to see them, it's a sort of history.

The pix do remind you of times but being in the moment and being able to enjoy it is something Ive been learning about the past few years here.  It feels great to be an organic part of life and not running to hide behind the camera -- that is what I always felt my mom was doing -- so she could pretend to the be "director" and not a player in our lives.  Im so glad u did just that!  Plus writing about your good times and memories is just as valid as a record to keep for your family for the future.

The summer of second grade, I remember looking at all of the old 8MM movies my mom had made of me when i was younger, learning how to ride a 12 speed bike, swimming at 3, doing some dance recitals and gynamistics over the years, lots of christmases and even some of my grandmother in there.  I watched them all over and over obsssively that summer.

Cut to my marriage to my exAH and I was in so much pain in that final and last fourth year of it, at Christmastime I literally begged my mother for the films.  She did not want to send them but she did.  Three months later I left my exAH on a vacation with just 3 bathing suits and I never saw most of my cherished possessions again.  He kept all of the baby films and my family pictures that I had plus tons of other heirlooms like jewelry from my mother and aunts over the years and other priceless (treasured and sentimental) items.

So years later I knew why I had watched them obsessively in second grade - it was to burn them in my memory bc I wouldnt have the record forever. 

That was only icing on top of losing so much over the years.  Every time we moved and we moved a lot when I was with my mom and growing up with my step dad (they marreid when I was 11).  Every time we moved my step dad through away a little more of my art work.  Artwork that my mother had kept since I started to make it - all of my life I made her things and he systemmatically through them out of the files and boxes.
    One day when I was in my early 20's and looking through the family files and there was none of my artwork left.  This was devastating to me and this hurts worse then my exAH keeping all of my baby stuff - idk I guess I trusted my step dad more or thought my mom would have done more - either to protect me or to give him some consequences but that day still never came in my eyes.

Jozie, no matter what honey - the memories are inside of you and they are there, u can tap into them any time.  Sometimes I pray and ask to be reminded of things I already knew or did or saw and usually a memory will re surface at a later date.  Now that I am in recovery here - I can remember more and more of what I blocked out that was unpleasant at the time. 

So its ok to snap a photo or two - candid in the moment but dont allow that to steal away organic and precious real living moments that life has to offer and u can always write a note somewhere in a family journal to keep a record too - after the fact that way u can be a part of it and feel the love right there.  It is written on your soul too - it get burned in us, our experiences (I think) and u can always tap into it at a later date when you may need or want to in recovery. 

UI get the feeling u may have had an epiphany of sorts and hey, ur not going to miss out without your camera - u miss out when ur hiding and not participating.  What a great healing moment!  Way to not feed into the fear and just be!  Im so glad u posted, thanks for sharing your journey with us.  Take care of YOU whatever that looks like!