The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im 41 years old and live with my alcoholic fiance. We planned to marry this fall but now since moving in with him I realize that marriage is not a good idea. I don't think I can live with a man who is drunk EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's really wearing on me.
This is the first time in my life having to deal with an alcoholic. I feel very lost and his drinking has had such a negative imact in every area of my life that I have a difficult time coping with everything.
Hi Irish, Im glad for you that your recognizing so soon the daily grind of living with an Alcoholic and that marriage is difficult at best. If you decide to go thru with the marriage thats your decision, but know from the beginning it will be challenging .
Also it is fortunate that we have Alanon to help us clear the confusion and anxiety that this disease brings us. Before you make any major decisions, try Alanon. Its helpful to go to some face to face meetings in your community, read the literature and contemplate how you can attain serenity. Some people are still married to alcoholics and it works for them, but you have to have a plan and a philosophy and Alanon, they are the experts at this .
Please continue to come back to our MIP and gain some knowledge of this dreadful disease.
I guess I should have elaborated a little more. Im just so frustrated and depressed I dont know where to begin.
I didnt know what I was getting myself into. I met my fiancé on a dating web site. He stated he was a social drinker which was a lie. He has two out of contol teenage daughters. One of them lives with us which causes a lot of problems. I have two daughters myself and NEVER had the kind of problems with them that his girls have. He has always had custody. As far as I know he never really parented them. Not sure if thats due to the alcohol or if he just never really cared that much. He blames his drinking on them and has crossed over to blaming it on me. If I confront him with something he tells me I make him want to drink more.
His youngest who is 16 had hodgkins lymphoma a few years ago. She is now cancer free but he CONSTANTLY talks about him having to give her shots every day and how that would make anyone drink. Several times he has told me he thinks everyone should have a child with cancer so they know what its like. WHAT ? These comments are very upsetting to me. I dont know if its the alcohol or if he is just a first class jerk. Why would someone wish cancer upon children ?
He keeps me up at night with his drunk rambling or from being obnoxious. I dont get much sleep and have had to call in sick MANY days because I cant function at work without sleeping.
I cant have friends over because they will see him drunk and its embarrassing.
I have to drive anytime we go anywhere because he has been drinking.
Im constantly irritated because he makes no sense (because he is drunk) and wants to argue. He repeats everything over and over and over, he slurs so much I think all of the people in his life think that must just be the way he talks.
My 18 year old daughter lives with us. She has never dealt with a drunk before either. Im thankful she is leaving for the military shortly so she doesnt have to deal with it. Financially I can not leave at the moment because I sunk so much money into moving in with him to begin with.
He always said he would quit drinking when his youngest child leaves home. The minute we moved in together he quit talking about it. I cant see that he will ever quit and I just dont know what to do.
Aloha Irish and welcome to the board...There are tons of miracles that happen for the membership many of which are or have been in your present condition (hand raised also). The cancer statement was a "self pity justification" from him...a poor me thingy. Alcoholics are great at that and often it will press an insanity button with people caught up in the alcoholics circle.
You are not alone as you have found this forum which is filled with a membership with sound experience, strength and hope ...ESH. You will get suggestions which are very helpful...like find the hotline number for the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area and get to the first meeting you can cause that fellowship knows just exactly where you are at right now and what is causing the anxiety, anger, fear and confusion. You don't have to go thru it alone. You don't have to be a victim, it's once choice and not the only one.
Stick around and read more and listen for the suggestions. No one can make you seek help...the stress alone of living with an alcoholic will help you to do that.
Alcoholics are not normal...don't expect normalcy. Trying to expect normalcy while living with an alcoholic leads to insanity.
go to the mtg tom night ~ dont let anything stop you. Al-anon is all about YOU and what is happening in your life. The disease is insidious and it does effect us too. Know that u are not alone with this anymore, we who have lived through it do understand what ur going through.
Pick up every pamphlet u can at the mtg and exchange numbers and pick some numbers up - u can call members to speak to them for support. Listen and learn all u can about addiction and what codependent enalbing is. You need healthy boundaries if you want to make it in this world and alanon can show u how to cope - one day at a time.
Practise focusing on you and what your own needs are versus the wants and the fantasies - I know I lived in my own head and saw what I wanted to, denial is painful to come out of but it is so worth it! Once u identify what the reality is in your own life, the faster u can begin to change what behavior is no longer working for you.
I wanted out of pain and to stop obsessing and reacting. The fellowship and in the rooms - taught me that and more.
GEt to know the 3 C's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I cant cure it.
I can however take accountability for me and allow the other person the dignity and respect to face this problem in their own selves - bc that is what it takes - u cant convince them to change. When we do change ourselves and stop managing their lives - we notice a distict shift and we begin to feel empowered. Nothing feels better than taking actions that allow you to feel self respect. You are worth the hard work it takes to get your life back, welcome! HOW is the way = honest, open minded and willing.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
