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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New here
Post Info TOPIC: New here
Sandy_K


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New here
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Good evening,

It's time to make a change, a positive change in my life.

I've been married to a great guy for over 28 years. Undoubtedly you already know my story, he's an alcoholic and has been for the entire time I've known him. He was sober for 6 years but then slowly began drinking again.

It's interesting in some ways. He will go months sober and happy. Then I will come home and know that he's been drinking, which of course he denies. The pattern is that this goes on for a week or two until I refuse to accept the denial. An argument, I offer to help, threaten to leave, yada, yada, yada. The past few years it seems this happens about every six months.

As with many people, special events spark this drinking. Thanksgiving was not pretty. Most people never know he's drinking and most family and friends think he is still sober. ugh  I didn't leave at Thanksgiving as we talked again. I had never attended al-anon, he had not participated in AA, it seemed that we could be short changing an otherwise good marriage if we didn't give those organizations a try. The first week of December we left on a cruise that had been booked for months and it went well.

We returned and again all was well. Then Dec. 17th, our youngest son, only 23 took his own life. No signs ahead of time, no notes, no answers. He was well loved and always appeared happy. My husband has been a rock, which worried me quite a lot. He saw his counselor twice since the death, but last week I began seeing signs of drinking again.

Ironically enough I am a life coach, Reiki master/teacher and hypnotist. I work with others teaching them to detach, allow life to flow in the way it will and follow the path which brings their own happiness.  Still I clearly have a problem with this myself.

My elder two sons are a concern. As far as I know they are grieving and doing as well as I might expect, but who knows what that really means. My husband is truly trying to do all he can as we work through this grief together.

We have been extremely supportive of one another and have more good days than bad, the bad are not all day, but moments. New normal is coming. Still, the alcohol is a nasty master which has once more seduced my husband. I am very clear that this is his decision, not mine. I fully realize that I cannot and never could keep him sober. It's all up to him.

At this point, I need to take further steps in becoming healthier myself. I have good friends who are very supportive, however none of them have lived through this particular dilemma. Thank goodness.

I appreciate this site. I'm still tooling around, trying to understand and learn.  I WILL heal and move forward. It is my preference to move forward with my loving sober husband, but time will tell how that will unfold.

Thank you for any suggestions or guidance. I am very open to all.

Namaste,
Sandy

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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Dear Sandy

Welcome to MIP and Al Anon

First I would like to extend my condolences for the loss of your precious son.  I understand only too well how dreadful that loss can be.  Please know that there is hope and help available. 

Al Anon face to face meetings can be found in your communiity  by going to this web site:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

We have meetings here 2xs a day and a chat room available 24/7.

Please read the Board, join us in on- line meetings and post 

You are not alone



 

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
nal


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((Sandie)),

I am so sorry about the loss of your son.


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nal
Debilyn


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Oh Sandi I am so so sad for you and yours. What a horrible loss. I don't know how you can even walk around. I have suffered about ever loss except that of a child.

It is one of the most traumatic events.

You have a good head on your shoulders. Your husband has a disease. My first husband hardly ever drank, but when he did he was totally out of control. To the point, he got drunk and got ran over on the hway. Loss is very hard on us.

Yes AA and Al anon are such great programs.You may want to consider grief counseling.

If you can get to Al Anon meetings you will find so much support there. There are also meetings here online and a chat room.

Welcome to MIP. love,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Jerry F


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Welcome to MIP Sandy.  I got a knee jerk reaction to your post which is attached to
my former counselor days however I have a great slogan from a former great
sponsor, "Don't react!!".  That is sooo sad about your son leaving and leaving without
a word of affirmation or explanation or "I'm hurting and needing help."  I remember
being there myself and thank HP and finally finding the rooms of Al-Anon I came to
understand.  In order to be a good counselor you must have a good counselor is
what I was taught and I am grateful for that also.

You and your alcoholic haven't done...the recovery rooms.  Do what you haven't done
yet before you decide about it.  In Al-Anon they told me to give the program a 90
day test; 90 meetings in 90 days and if then I decided it wasn't for me they would
gladly refund my miseries and I could try any other thing I wanted.  At first that
sounded like a veiled threat however within the 90 days I came to understand that
they knew about alcoholism and how it works and the consequences and I had no
idea.

So go do what you haven't done yet and let us know how it comes out for you.  The
hotline number for Al-Anon in your area is in the whitepages of your local telephone
book and there is lots of pamphlets and other literature for you to get and read in
the meetings.   Keep coming back here also.

((((hugs)))) smile

what was your son's name?

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Sandy_K


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Jerry, my son's name was Mike. He was truly a wonderful young man and I feel blessed to have had him for the time we did. While he didn't leave any sort of note, we believe we know why he made the decision that he did, but I realize that this forum is not about my issues with that and so I will attempt not to digress.

Thank you for your direct and kind response. I have been working with groups to work through the grief, and had recently sought out a counselor to work on my issues around my husbands alcoholism, however Mike's death came a few days before my next appointment and we have been sort of holding on and getting through since then. 

Today made it very clear to me that I need to address this issue as well, these issues are now intertwined and complicated or simple, it just is.

Again, thank you,
Sandy

-- Edited by Sandy_K on Tuesday 1st of February 2011 10:43:06 PM

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abbyal


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Hello and welcome , am so sorry for your loss .. Life coach huh ? amazing how we dont hear ourselves isnt it ,your not alone there .. Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself you need people who understand , there is no reason to tell anyone what you do for aliving if you dont choose too and you can trust the anonymity that is the basis of our program it is a safe place to share .. because as you said your friends dont understand but Al-Anons do ..  again am so sorry for the loss of your son .  Hugs for yourself and husband .. Louise

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pinkchip


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Sandy, I have much more of an AA background than Alanon, so I wanted to just say that it's good that your husband can obtain periods of long sobriety on his own at times, but in a way, it's not good. This probably has prevented hiim from seeking out AA because he is under the delusion that he can do it alone through will power. Though if that was the case, he wouldn't keep relapsing. I know this is not an AA site, but there are simple tools in AA that, had he been active in AA, he might have avoided the relapses.

Also, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. About a week and a half ago, I saw a married couple in a meeting I went to and their son was killed a year earlier (ironically by a drunk driver). They talked about how they used the program and how the support of the people in the rooms really got them through the loss. Hence, they relied on community, faith, and support rather than maladaptive coping (drinking). That is the power of the rooms. The two of them were so inspiring to me. If they could make it through a situation like that and be so strong....I can do anything.

Prayers for you and your husband,

Mark

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Sandy_K


Member

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Posts: 6
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Mark,

Thank you for your insight from the perspective of a recovering alcoholic. I'm from a family where alcoholism is rampant, and literally every one of my husbands 8 sibs and his parents are all alcoholics. So, while I see it and am familiar with aspects from my point of view, I can never truly understand from his perspective. That's why yours is so valuable.

The side effects of a different disease, non-alcohol or substance related are what led our son to take his own life. The clarity that finally hit me last night was that my husband is making the same choice if he decides not to treat his disease. I feel sure that different treatment options may have saved my son if he had sought them out, but as far as I know he didn't. I could be wrong. This is not blame or finger pointing because disease is disease. We all cope as well as we can. I know Mike did what he felt was best and I'm not questioning that decision as there is no value to that questioning. However, John has options to treat or not his disease and there's no way I can force that, simply allow and support it if the situation arises.

He asked me this morning if we could attend meetings together, he an AA while I attend Al-anon. This is a first and of course I agreed. However, I assured him that I will be attending regardless of his decision when the time arrives.

I WILL take excellent care of myself. I deserve it, my surviving sons deserve for me to be healthy as well. This road is rough at times, but I have know that I that I can travel it, sometimes with ease, other times perhaps crawling, I truly have no other choice until it's time for me to die, that time is NOT now.  I fully realize I don't walk the road alone and that I am and often have been carried by my faith. and my Creator, I'm grateful for that.

I thank all of you who have offered support and guidance. Each of you has a unique experience and perspective and I truly appreciate that.

I know this is the beginning...again. I have taken steps before and faltered, but that's okay. I can and will learn from those experiences. It turns out that so far the sun has risen each and every day. Feels like a good place to start.

Namaste,
Sandy

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