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I have posted that have been struggling with 17.5 yr old son. For the sake of brevity I will skip many gory details, but bottom line, it came to where both his dad and I said "enough". Time to do it different. Told him he had to follow the rules or go somewhere else. The rules were to be kind, contribue, get good grades and refrain from substances. He chose somewhere else. He is staying with a freind. He has gone to school with this kid since kindergarten. While I wouldn't call the mom my friend, we have had some conversations. She offered for him to stay there while we work on the relationship. Its not as if I said yes or no. Son made a choice. I am not thrilled with the arrangement at all, but I do know where he is, he is close to school, and the family knows we love him. He has, however, agreed to go to counseling, and has done so willingly and respectfully thie past 3 weeks. For that I am very grateful, for the resistance to do so the past 5 years was not something I could battle.
I have let go. Part of me feels uncaring, but I think really I don't think I can allow myself to feel the sadness. I do know our home is so much more peaceful and my anxiety has decreased incredibly not having to keep track of hiim and deal with the constant chaos. The sibling is my daughter's friend, and reports that he is kind and all is well. He told her he is never coming home. He turns 18 in July. He doesn't have a job, a cell phone, or a drivers license. In talking with my sponsor the other night, she suggested I offer the mother taking care of my son money for groceries. This is something I thought about, and came to the very quick and firm conclusion of no, but now she has me second guessing myself. I am appreciative (in a way), but it is not about gratitude, it is about detachment and not enabling. My son had some money in his wallet from Christmas, and about $80 in his bank account. Ex wanted me to move the money. I said no, for son needed to use it up, that way he is the only one responsible for him not having any money. It is not that I don't appreciate him having a place to stay, but to offer money makes it easier. The way I see it, he needs to wear out his welcome or go get a job to pave his way. The mother made a choice to take him in. It would be different if he was very young or I was in a position that I couldn't care for him. If roles were reversed, and knowing what she knows about what has gone on, I would never agree to such an arrangement.
Any thoughts out there to share?
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
As a teen, my mother took in many of my wayward friends. And they all paid her...granted it was very little but it gave them a sense of independence and strength. She wouldn't have taken money from their parents.
My mother provided a safe place for my friends who were having a tough time with their families. And she treated them with respect and expected the kid to pay theri way as much or as little as they could.
All of my friends love my mom to this day.
Me, on the other hand, she finacially abused me right on into adulthood so that I had no sense of making my own way and truly believed I had to depend on others for all of my basic needs. Because everytime I fell, my mother threw money at me. Rather than helping me with encouragment, support and love.
So, in this case, I would say, your sponsor is human and her suggestion is not the best. Your instinct is correct.
And please try not to feel guilty about the calm in your house. Just enjoy it. Back in the 1400's it was COMMON for families to send their 12 year olds away to another family to be raised.....I'm thinking that is not such a bad idea ;)
I would suggest talking to the other mother and expressing your concerns and see where she stands. Times are really tough. They may not have a problem at all with it . . . but you never know. I don't have an opinion either way - but if you are second guessing yourself - some additional feedback from the other party involved may help you find direction.
The interesting thing about teenagers is the we ALL have experience with that. We can look back at the confusion of becoming an adult and remember our own mistakes - some small - some VERY large (that would be me). Sounds like you are setting some very healthy boundaries and sticking to them while showing your love and support and letting him make his own mistakes. Children thrive on boundaries and learn how to treat others by how we let them treat us. It can be very difficult but will be a huge benefit in the long run.
Aloha Lou...the short experience for me was to learn how to trust and listen to others. My problem was me. I opposed definantly any outside suggestions and help and would not trust the input of others. I of course was exercising control without keeping aware of what condition my life had arrived as by doing that. I choose along with my HP to have others in my life for many reasons only one being that their suggestions and experiences are different than mine where mine are often problematic to me and for others. My sponsor gave me an inventory perspective from where he was standing on how I did what I did. "I want it my way and I want it now!!" he offered and then left me to finish the inventory. Boy am I glad I chose him for a sponsor. I was sooo smart.
Maybe your sponsor isn't the cause of your second guessing if you keep arriving back at I or me.
At the moment I am doing somewhat of the same thing and working it from the angle of trust. I remember getting to the day of my eye surgery and discovering that the problem I was having was trusting others especially those outside of program and I was helped to work that out and the event went beyond my wildest expectations because I practiced what I was given. I am back to that point again now...at this moment...in a relapse on fear and distrust; using my head to paint the picture of what is was like, what it is like now and what it will be like in the future. Honestly I don't know what the picture looks like or will look like later. I am just afraid and distrustful and hung up with using what I have always used under these conditions...oppositional defiance and under these conditions I will always get what I've always gotten; no useable solution.
I need to think including using others suggestions and then act on it. Thanks going to do that now. In support (((((hugs)))))
My concern is that you do what is legally right considering his age. I am hearing loud and clear that he has been a difficult and defiant teen, BUT, it is your legal responsibility to provide for him until he is 18. I don't want you having to ever have to face questions about neglect when in fact, you have been through hell trying to focus on him and get his needs met. I hope this comes across right, but I think your sponsor is right...but this arrangement should last until he is 18....Just my opinion though.
Good point on the legal aspect. So, how does one legally detach with a minor? We had taken pretty much everything from him prior to him leaving. Then he goes someplace where he has much of it again. The concept that he could get his own stuff back seems to be beyond him. He saw it all as a threat. I saw it as being at my wit's end.
We are attending family counseling. Tonight it was just me and my son. lots of tears from him. He is hurting too. Next week was supposed to be son and ex, but son is not ready, so it will be me and ex. Honestly, when this living arrangement started, I didn't think it would last more than a week or so. In a communication with the other mom, I think she thought it would be just for a short time while we started counseling and worked on our issues. Son calls it a cooling off period. Tonight at counseling, he pretty much expressed he has no plans of coming back, but wants to salvage our relationship so we have one after he turns 18. Funny, but many of his issues are my issues, which is just a general unrest in the family. It became clear to me tonight that we need to get my daughter in there with us. The counselor got a really good look at our communication style. Not pretty. I get so bothered in how my son flips things I say, and what really bugs me is that I think he believes what he says. I just need to know what changes I can make.
I check in with the mom once a week. I will call her again tomorrow and ask her how she see things. I wonder if perhaps she could give him a timeline. I cannot imagine son coming home and it all being the same again., and it will be if I am the one who tell him to come home. His appearance is terrible right now. Perhaps its a reflection of how he feels.
I truly am navigating blind here.
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
