The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not going to make it to my usual face-to-face meeting tonight because of lovely blizzard warnings in our area, so I thought I would post here.
I just started going to Al-Anon. I don't have a sponsor yet. I have also started going to a therapist who specializes in counseling both the addict and the family and uses the 12-step program in his counseling.
My therapist had me write out an emotionally draining First Step about my powerlessness over alcohol throughout my marriage and my life. Reading it out loud reduced me to tears. I've never cried in a therapist's office before (I saw a different one for a year and a half before this one).
I've been struggling for so many years to have power over things I cannot control. To see my life on paper, in my own words, it drained everything out of me.
Now, I feel empty. Not sad--because sad would be something to fill the empty. This is empty like I let go of all the control and false power I was filling myself with.
So, I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the Sahara desert, with nothing but sand in all directions, trying to figure out where to go. I have no idea what to do next. My life always had a plan, a direction. I thought I was always in control. Now, I'm just empty.
I do so identify with the feeling of "Empty". Many years ago when I experienced that feeling I shared about it and my sponsor. She was very happy to hear where I was and said that she "always prayed for that empty feeling so that HP could fill her up with more positive stuff" That was a powerful statement for me and so very true
You are correct- it is definitely time for the Second Step.
In fact I could not have completely worked the 1st step and admitted I was powerless without being able to have a firm belief that a Power Greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
That was my light at the end of the tunnel and the first of many " spiritual awakenings"
(((Tired))) When I wrote down all the things in my life that I was so unhappy about, the things that were unmanageable for me, the things that were making me physically and emotionally ill, I also cried when I finished and read it aloud to myself. Then, I somehow felt freer... free that it was out in the open, free of not having any secrets anymore and it gave me a sense of strength... To change the things that I can, and acceptance to be able to live with the things that I couldn't change. Detaching has been very important for me. It is a LONG process.
The things that we have lived with affect us negatively over time.... years and years of it. Jump into the Alanon program. I read several self help books to try to understand ME. I think they have helped as I am much happier. I don't know if I will ever be 100% fixed... but I hope that the experiences that I have lived through will make me a stronger, more compassionate person.
I don't know if this helps. I guess I'm trying to say is... "It does get better." I wish peace for you Very Very Tired.
How do I manage when theres no one left to manage ? been there done that , my sponsor simply said , well dear now You get a life , duh .. letting go of the control i thought I had was a big deal for me as it is for all of us , looking at things in a different perspective gives me time to work on myself , and separate my stuff from theres gives me freedom to get on with my life and gives them the dignity to live thier lives the way they choose .. fill up the hole with good stuff , positive thoughts , renew old friendships , make new ones take care of you and regardless of what ( they ) are doing your going to be just fine . Louise
