The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I moved out from my AH 4 days ago. It had been a rough three years and i had been thinking of leaving everytime he went on a binge or got out of rehab and started drinking again. Then I just did it ...somehow the pieces fell into place. Found a cute place i could afford, packed and moved midst much crying and begging. I was strong, though.....Then one day later, I missed him and I felt my AH really needed me. He has no one but me. I called and we went to dinner. Now we see each other every day..and I realize I need to set up boundaries....fon myself. How do you stop needing to be needed?
How? By addressing what your needs are, working on yourself, and getting help from others as you just did :)
I don't think this is about being strong versus weak. I think your happiness and your health is going to improve when you learn to do more for you. Go to meetings for you. Make a point to do nice things for yourself. Be your own best friend. Make a conscious effort to give to yourself. These are things I struggle with in terms of my own codependency and this is what helps me. Sometimes it is harder to remember to do these things than other times.
Mark's experience is close to mine also. I had to understand that practicing my enabling for a long time meant that it had imbedded itself within me like an addiction all it's own. I didn't know better and had to learn alternatives and practice those. Meetings and others to help me who had "been there and done that" themselves and found solutions and then practice those solutions and passed the outcomes on to me were a part of the miracles. Focus on yourself? for sure...stick around and learn how to do that and get to the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups and watch it happen right in front of you.
My truth in answer to this question still stings my pride but here it goes. In order to stop needing to be needed I had to learn to treat and look at myself as being valuable instead of needing to see that from my exah's eyes. HP, AlAnon, MIP all gave guidance and Pinkchip's statement of "Be your own best friend." is very important to me. I am a much better friend to me than I ever used to be. Prayers and wishes.
It's already been said above from three members who who understand where you have been, where you are, and where you need to go.
We have to change. Change and unlearn all the things that haven't worked. Change your addiction from your alcoholic to you. Change your old ways to new proven and tested ways that do work with the tools the program will give you.
You can find answer the question in the last sentence of your post in the rooms of Al-Anon. We all come to Al-Anon for different and varying reasons. But in the end the reasons for coming are all the same........We have all been effected by someone else's drinking. We understand because we have been there and we are there. We know the feeling of being alone in the disease.
The Al-Anon program can change your life just as it has mine and countless thousands worldwide. Give the program a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Jayne you don't have all the answers you need, but you have found a new family, and you are not alone anymore. Glad you are here.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 1st of February 2011 01:26:28 AM
I am assuming your not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself , please take care of you , in our program you will learn to become your own best friend and take care of your needs for a change , it is possible to have arelationship with a practicing alcoholic Al-Anon will show you how to do that and not loose yourself in the process , when we are obsessed with someone elses life we dont have a life of our own .. One person cannot be the reason your happy when I count on anyone making me happy I am gonna get hurt , I am the only person who can make me happy any one else in my life is a bonus .Find meetings get the support you need from people who understand and get your life back on track so that with or with out him you will be okay.
