The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AHboyfriend and I started having problems around thanksgiving. He has three years sobriety under his belt and this was our second attempt at the relashionship. Over night everything seemed to fall apart. He I believe is a dry alcoholic. He replaced drinking with playing poker. Serious up all night involving thousands of dollars poker. It at first seemed like a hobby and while he still goes to work, pays bills, it started becoming more and more of a priority. My AHBF was going to meetings at least two to three times a week. He was so positive I took him back because I seen a change. But, as the gambling became more of priorority the meetings were reduced to once and some times no meetings. He started emotionally abusing me again. I realize that is what it is now that he does because of alanon. Telling me he wanted me out of his life, that he never loved me, that I was missing something, and I wasn't the one. Coming from a man who only a month earlier told me he thanked God for me every night. It hurt and still hurts so bad. This is not the man I fell in love with again. I couldn't take the emotional distress so I did remove myself from his life. I wrote him an email telling him I loved him and all the things that were wonderful. I also included all the behaviors that hurt me. Last week I had to stop by his house to drop off some things. I didn't think he would be home and he was. My BF looked like he hadn't slept in days and had a longing in his eyes. I started to tear up just seeing him. I wanted to reach out and hug him. But, I didn't I left my car running and left right away. I am doing everything to keep myself busy, school, activities with friends, work, and meditation. But I can't help the hurt inside from missing him. He is my best friend and this is very difficult for me. I know it has to be done. Like the alcohol was more important then me before now the poker playing is. I feel like he wanted me removed from his life so I wouldn't know how out of control the poker was. There is no helping him or family to ask to look out for him they are so dysfunctional. I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines and one day it is all going to expload.
Aloha Y...You are soooo right it hurts soooo bad and along with the realization of personal powerlessness the situation becomes maddening. All the thoughts and the feelings I had of doom and gloom and rejection and resentment made me soooo sick and in the end one of the things I had to admit was that I had chosen the person and the way of living with that person. I needed to learn alternatives or go insane.
I had to take a deep look at one of my other recovering friends says everytime she speaks up in recovery. "Hi my name is ________ and my only problem is me and my only solution is God." I can accept other members truths and adopt them to myself because it is true for me also.
I came to understand that addiction means that something or someone other than me is more important in the life of someone I am addicted to. I do not count even to myself.
I also had to learn that the addict will take out their own negative self feelings on others; especially others who have no barriers against it and are willing to accept the abuse as a part of the relationship. That for me was rocket science and I had to learn and accept and practice a new way of responding to the situations I chose to be my life...or die on all levels; mind, body, spirit and emotions.
I will not do that anymore for many reasons and continue to work on changing me one step, one inch, one pound, one thought, one response at a time.
Keep coming back your condition is temporary. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 31st of January 2011 02:47:10 PM
First its not uncommon for an alcoholic to trade one addiction for another , and its not anyones job to * look out for him * he does not need a sitter hes a big boy and will sink or swim his way .. any addiction brings with it an attitude mostly defensive and abusive what ever he is into you do not have to take the abuse unexceptable behavior is just that unexceptable. Protect yourself financially it really is all you can do at this point , continue to take care of yourself attend meetings your going to need support . Louise
Thanks and you are both right. He is my addiction because of how much I love him. But, you are right his addictions will come before everything else. He may not see that gambling has replaced drinking, but it is true that is the nature of the addict. I can't do anything to control it or help. He has to do it on his own. But yes I can not allow myself to be abused to the point emotional that I want to lay in bed and cry every single day. I said my piece and I gave my input. I told him how I want to be treated and I told him how I reufuse to be treated. He being the addict of course thinks I will break and this is all part of his game. But I am on to it this time. I will take it one day at a time and work on me. It just sucks that he carries on with his life and I am the one feeling well all the emotion.
Parfait, I would encourage you to head to the library or the bookstore and look for a book by Melody Beattie. She has several books on codepedency. Take a look through them and see which one speaks to you. I ended up with "The New Codependency," and it has shed a lot of light on the unhealthy aspects of my relationship with my AH, and how my relationship and my desire to control my relationship and my AH is my addiction.
hello and thanks to all the responses I just read. I am in the same boat as you parfait, love A and missing A. Hes been out for two days and was feeling like I'm worthless until I realized I needed to stop being a mental loafer and open the literature ODAT and Courage to Change. It provided enough relief to get me through one minute at a time today. Its not easy but I'm not as insane as I was when he first left Friday nite. I live in a remote village in Alaska and here everyone drinks and there are no meetings so thank you so much for opening your hearts and minds and share your exp strength and hope.
