"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Divorced and Deeply Depressed

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Gail.... I know I went through this, for sure.... Not entirely the same - I wasn't longing for my ex, per se, but more grieving the loss of marriage and/or looked upon everything as a failure of purpose, etc.....

I went on anti-depressants for about 8 months, as it was negatively affecting my work as well... My doctor described it as "situational depression", which made sense to me.... I didn't enjoy my time on them - felt "cloudy" all the time, but they definitely helped me regain some balance in my life....

Hope that helps
Tom

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tom,

Your reply helps me immensely. My doctor didn't give my depression a name.

I HATE taking any type of meds. I rarely use cold meds or the like. It freaked me out taking the Lexapro. I did some online research on how it works because I'm one of those that has to know. In my research I ran across websites that warn against taking any kind of antidepressant because they are quite difficult to get of them. I REALLY freaked out then. But I've spoken to a nurse and she assures me that with the doctor's help, I'll be weaned off them.

I feel I have little choice right now. So I'll take them for a while. Did you have difficulty weaning yourself of your meds?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((GailM)))))....Been there...done that. One time not strong enough to turn the door
knob on my bedroom door to let me out of the room and into society. Returned to
dressed in my 3piece suit and shoes and incarcerated myself under the blankets
while all the armies of fear marched thru my mind and emotions without cleaning off
their muddy boots. It was absolute fear emotionally firmly attached to the depression
I was born with coming into the disease of alcoholism...the name for mine is dysthymia.
I got the name from counseling not the prescription. It's good to know the name and
also good to know how it always works with me. Knowing in power and gives me more
chances to do something different in spite of it.

One definition of depression is anger turned inward. I kinda sorta related to this in
the early years of recovery cause I was angry all the time and alot of the time I aimed
it at myself also however the one I was born with is organic...comes with the person
and the persons existence. I have lived with it longer than any one or thing else.

Alcoholism+enabling+emotional unrest+mental confusion+physical disability(unrest?)+
spiritual degradation equals a person who needs to seek help. When I couldn't focus
on anything other than my sick alcoholic and how I failed to cause the miracle of her
sobriety and was wondering what potions or chants I had missed using all those things
I needed to do for myself were mute.   I could not and would not be able to take care
of myself.   You can take care of yourself I suggest.   Find a good counselor who knows
about the affects of addiction on the lives of people who don't use or drink and find
the nearest Al-Anon meeting to where you are at and run to get there if you have not
already. Those are the rooms of understanding and experience on how to survive and
then outlive the disease.   Sit down, listen, learn, read, practice, practice, practice cause
I promise you...if you follow up with that your problem is temporary unless you want
to hold on to it.

Keep coming back...In support. (((((hugs))))) smile

stephaniej · Senior Member

Gail, I firmly believe there is absolutely no shame at all in taking an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety med. Yes, it can be difficult to wean off of them, depending on the medication, but your doctor will be able to help you do that when the time is right. The important thing is that Lexapro can be a useful tool in your arsenal while you deal with so many sad things in your life. Working your program, and possibly therapy, are also great tools.

I took Lexapro for several years for my anxiety, and switched to Zoloft when I became pregnant in 2009. I weaned off everything entirely towards the end of my pregnancy, and didn't suffer very many ill effects. But that is different for every person.

In many ways divorce is like a death. When I divorced my ex-husband, I initiated the split and I remained 100% convinced throughout the entire process that it was the right thing for me and our children. I no longer loved him (if I ever really had loved him), and yet, it was still an excruciatingly painful process. Even though I no longer wanted to be with him, there was terrible separation anxiety, and guilt associated with hurting him.

I am keeping you in my thoughts. Keep coming back.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

The ones I was on were "Effexor".... I went through my doctor, and had to adjust the dosage a couple of times.... I stayed on them for around six months, and then put together a plan of weaning myself off them, with my doctor, that took approximately two months.... As I mentioned - I really didn't like the cloudy feeling when I was on them, but they definitely helped with the peaks and valleys I was experiencing, prior to going on them.... On the day he prescribed them for me, as an example, I was in his office, bawling my eyes out uncontrollably.

I didn't have much troubles in weaning myself off (basically just halved the dosage every couple of weeks), nor did I experience any other noticeable side effects.... I needed them at the time, and am thankful that it was for a relatively short duration.... Like you, I hated the idea, but it was an example of accepting that "at the time", my circumstances were too much for me to handle without help....

Take care
Tom

-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 31st of January 2011 03:00:42 PM

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

A million thanks to Jerry, Stephaniej & Tom!

Jerry -
yep, "anger turned inward" I'm so guilty of that. I've been known to express how I'm not angry with my ex-AH. But today as I cried, I felt a tinge of anger towards him. Now, I know that pointing the finger of blame on him isn't solving my problems. But perhaps it's human to be angry with him. I am seeing my counselor tonight, by the way. I keep thinking that I don't need to continue therapy. Ha-ha......... I've got to face reality.

Stephaniej -
I also felt 100% certain that I needed the divorce and went forward with what I thought was confidence. But I think I'm plagued with guilt, for he is not doing well. He does blame me for a lot of his problems. I also think I'm suffering from separation anxiety. I've never been on my own. But then, having an alcoholic for a husband for 35 years, I was on my own in a sense.

Tom -
Thanks again. I apprciated the PM

I feel a little more stable today due to your replies. I hope it might help others as well.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh yes. I relate. When I got divorced, I found myself unable to do anything. I missed a bunch of work because all I could do was sit there and cry. I couldn't focus on my job or any other responsibility.

In general, I didn't miss my exAH. I didn't miss the drama and the chaos of active alcoholism. I REEEEALLY felt guilty, though - felt guilty that I didn't stick it out with him when I made the commitment when I got married that I would. I felt guilty that I didn't want to take care of him anymore - felt guilty that I kept saying and starting to believe that it wasn't my job to take care of him. In the back of my mind I wondered how he would function, how he would pay the bills, where he would live since he never had a steady job, how he would eat, etc. Although I could open my mouth and say that I knew these things weren't my responsibility, I felt so horribly guilty that I didn't want that responsibility anymore that I was paralyzed. I felt like I was a horrible person for wanting something else.

My divorce was before I had a program. I didn't go to meetings then. Divorce sucks either way - but without a program sucks worse. I think it would've at least been been a little better if I'd had meetings and a recovery program then.

I went to a couple docs when I was getting divorced and got a RX for Lexapro as well. That one didn't work out for me - made me feel like a very sleepy zombie. I switched to Cymbalta and had great results. Not that I was happy, but I was at least able to function. My doctor also labeled it situational depression. I had to take them again when I got very severe PPD after my second son was born. I think the meds saved my life the second time, because I was suicidal.

I expressed concern about the antidepressants because I didn't want to take meds long term. My doc explained to me that sometimes people need a little help - there's no shame in recognizing that there's a chemical imbalance and taking steps to get things working right. It's nothing that you caused, and doesn't mean that you did something wrong or are a failure. It just simply is what it is.

You're certainly not alone - I related to an awful lot of what you wrote.

Hang in there.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Again Gail...just remembered after coming back and rereading your responses
and the others who spoke up, that I learned in the program to separate the wife
from the disease and when I got angry to get angry at the disease, the situations,
the "it" rather than the she or the me. No one likes to live the way we have in the
disease of alcoholism. We come to say and act out "I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!"

And so I learned to hate and be angry at the a "it" rather than the them, us, she, he,
me, they...you get it. I didn't want to appear being unloving toward anyone or
given to using blame, shame etc. I desired to be loving and wanted to be loved
which the "it" wouldn't fit into.

((((hugs)))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 31st of January 2011 05:04:57 PM

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks White Rabbit & Jerry - I appreciate your replies.

seeking1 · Newbie

Gail,
For me it wasn't divorce but breakups and mistakes i made in those relationships.For me I had to come to the understanding that depression is a disease and at its worst we need drugs and counseling but the right counseling.Hopefully you have family support around you that understands the disease when someone out there believes we cause it ourselves they would understand that we don't because nobody would want to feel the way we are when we are depressed.
I believe trying to get off the drugs is risky because of all the unexpected stressers we face in life can hit us at any moment and unless we have very good coping skills we will have a hard time dealing with them.Good luck and prayer definitely doesnt hurt.

knowmadic · Veteran Member

Hi, Gail. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce and depression. I recently separated from my husband and went through a lot of anxiety and grief too. I found a therapist who works with the 12 Steps and found counselling to be a comfort. I also had a friend stay with me for a week to help me with chores, etc. I also found a 12-step book on Divorce called "Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On: A 12 Step Guide to Divorce Recovery" by Micki McWade that is good for us 12 steppers. Anyway, I hope you find the comfort you need and take care of you. Grieving and mourning are natural processes of separation and divorce, so just be gentle on yourself.

All the best,

sharyn

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Sharyn, thank you for suggesting the book. I'll check it out :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hon, even though I had not lived with my AH for YEARS and he was shacked up with a woman of ill repute....

I was a mess when I got the finals. Not so much about him as it was the dream. Also becuz there is no one to find my glasses for me when I forget where I put them and cannot see.....

I learned I loved being married. To be thrown back into this lonliness at times that sucks the life from me, is not fair.

Anyway yes my friend is is horribly hard BUT we do get better slowly by working on it. Giving to ourselves what we would do for a friend in our position helps.

I had to learn to be my own best friend.

Honestly I cannot even say the D word. As far as I am concerned I was widowed again, since the man that went into brain surgery that day, woke up a monster I did not know.

My A died.

So anyway keep sharing here it helps! hugs,deb

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"