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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> boyfriend just finished detox, and I'm feeling myself fall into a deep depression..help!!
Post Info TOPIC: boyfriend just finished detox, and I'm feeling myself fall into a deep depression..help!!
kyrp


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boyfriend just finished detox, and I'm feeling myself fall into a deep depression..help!!
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Well, where to begin...met Sam a year ago...I was his mom's nurse. He mostly treated me like a queen, during our dating (7months ago). There were times, however that he didn't. Blamed his not being able to get an errection on me...saying I was fat, my stomach was too big, my hair was blonde..he was attracted to brunettes....So, dyed my hair brown. He's a doctor..I'm a nurse. My nursing knowledge said it was the alcohol and not me. I kept all of that up, seperating the man from the alcoholic behaviors which included being self-centered, keeping me up all night in a drunken state, and losing my job as a result.  He took all of my time and attention..he was great with my daughter, but because of all the time he took from me, I'm feeling guilty about not being such a great mother and not being so great to myself. He took us to dinners, spent money...but I needed him. I needed someone to be just as supportive to me as I was to him. I confided in no one. I even stopped seeing my friends...afraid they would know our "secret". He could put on such a front..and honestly, I did, too. I became the distractor and the mediator between him and everything. It was completely exhausting. My father was an alcoholic, when I was young...guess I naturally fit into that role. I tried to constantly boost his confidence, as I saw the depression, guilt, etc. that he felt. I didn't confront him very often about things said/done because I didn't want him to feel worse than he already felt. I couldn't leave...I felt he would kill himself. So, now he's in rehab...he made the decision, I gave him the confidence and feelings of self-worth to make it there. He's finished the detox portion and is doing really welll. I'm really concerned that he's not facing anything that he did. He goes to group meetings only. I don't know if it's the meds not making him feel, or not, but it's worrying me. Since he's gone, I've become very depressed. I think just having a moment to think about things without having to constantly be on the go and take care of him, has been part of it. I don't know what our roles will be. I'm also feeling VERY insecure, and have never felt that way. I joined a gym and am hoping that will help. I'm also in the process of going back blonde...I need to feel like "me", again. The things he said are now hitting me like a brick. I even thought about suicide earlier tonight. I'm still dealing with his family, which I will quit doing soon...they are stressing me out too badly. When do they start to "feel" again? I know that I need to take care of myself. I'm worried that we've gotten this far....Things are looking brighter, and he won't want me, anymore. Before he needed me. Now I want him to want me. I just don't really know how to feel or what I feel. Things keep going through my head, like a race track. I just really need some advice, please. I need myself back and am feeling bad that I told him tonight, via text, that things that happened when he was drinking are now affecting me. He's not responded. Please help.

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maryjane


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Hi,
Immerse yourself in AlAnon and you will find out that you won't want anyone else to need you, and you won't need anyone else to want you. You will be happy with who you are and won't need validation from anyone. You will just know. And then you can make choices about what you want, not what you need.  Alcoholics make us very unhealthy in our perception of ourself. Your self-exteem will come back.
Mary

-- Edited by maryjane on Sunday 30th of January 2011 07:56:31 PM

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maryjane
hotrod


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Welcome to MIP and alanon  KYRP

I can surely identify with all that you shared and agree 100% with the suggestions that Mary Jane just posted.

You are not alone and need to find support and understanding so you can recapture your self. 
Face to face meetings can be located in your community by going to 
       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htmli

Some of the tools that you will learn is to: Keep the focus on yourself, Live one day at a time, pray, gratitude list. 
Keep coming back

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
abbyal


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Please find meetings for yourself , your going to need them more than ever now and telling him how u felt is only going to make things worse for both of you ,he will feel the shame and guilt and you will be frustrated because he isnt acknoledging the damage he has done .  Talk to al anons they get you they understand how u feel and its a safe place to share your fears  anonymity is the foundation of our program , first names only .. please get support this is just too hard to do alone . now is the time to take care of yourself he has support . 

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I came- I came to-I came to be
DreamXL


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Kyrp glad you found us:) please keep coming back and the suggestions you have gotton so far are excellent. You sound as if you have lost yourself, it happens being so emeshed in another person.......you will find you in the rooms of alanon again :) blessings your way...:)

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sunflowergirl


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Hi there and welcome here. Alanon has changed my life and it really does work when we work the program. Alanon teaches about self care, self love and putting ourselves first. Its not easy but it is simple. The whole thing is, take things one day at a time. If thats too hard, one hour at a time or one minute. I have been there with the suicidal thinking, its not worth it, believe me. I spent 5 days in a hospital because of it, and learned that allowing my past to rule my life is what was keeping me down. These days I am learning about forgiveness, which means not allowing stuff to rule me anymore. I am learning about how to look at me and focus on me, which means feeling my own pains that I went through, dealing with them and healing from them. I have adhd which is difficult, my mind wants to go down streets I don't really want to go down, I am full of anxiety and depression, and alanon is helping me to release that and live in the moment, just for today.
Find a meeting, go, give a shot. You are a nurse so you probably understand the psychology of it all, and alanon will help you understand it even better for YOU! Take care of you :)

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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.  -Buddha

The past has flown away.  The coming month and year do not exsist.  Ours only is the present's tiny point.  -Mahmud Shabistanri
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> boyfriend just finished detox, and I'm feeling myself fall into a deep depression..help!!