My aunt killed herself last Thursday in the bathtub where my sister tried to drown herself in alchohol for hours at a time. I'm feeling very tired and have become run down this past week holding in all my emotions in the presence of my family. I've gone into dark spiritual space a couple of times, this is the thrid suicide to touch our family, my big sister too. My aunt took all of her psych meds (same way my sister died), the culmination of a 30-year battle with manic depression, alchoholism, and ubuse of her presecription meds. Bless her, because her life was living hell on earth much of the past few years. She'd run through her finances and came to live in my parents' home; I distanced and detatched from her dis-ease and her disease, it wasn't always easy, but was the rihgt thing to do. It's sad that she died alone curled up in her  underclothes in the bathtub. She looked so frail when the coroner brought her down. My best friend of 35 years sent me a card today with a photo of me and my aunt. I could ogically remember that I had a great time with her in my teens (30 years ago), but just couldn't access the images of her when she was relatively well, while she was younger and strong. I'm grateful for the photo, that it came today, grateful I decided to stay home today and take of myself, and grateful the tears are coming again. It is sad, regardless of how inevitable this outcome seemed. It's sad, and I feel sad, and that's ok, and I don't need to run a amrathon today, or go to the gym, or straighten my office. It's ok to cry and type this message out into the internet, and feel sad, and grieve, and admit my fears, and ask for help, and stay wrm in bed, and drink hot tea.

-- Edited by quietearth on Saturday 29th of January 2011 09:21:13 PM