trying to follow through and it always blows up in my face - Al-Anon Family Group

looking_for_peace · Veteran Member

trying to follow through and it always blows up in my face

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh looking I am so sad you are going thru this! I do know you need respite time. Do you have a connection with the school your child goes to? Maybe the sp. ed dept could help you with respite.

You could call your dept of human resources too and ask about respite for a sp. needs kiddo.

Just a suggestion FOR YOU. Its very draining I know.BUT I know you love your child. I needed respite from my kids without sp needs!

Then to have to deal with this horrible disease, you need a rest. We all need to refill our spiritual, emotional, physical and mental needs! What do you do to anti stress?

What makes me say this is if he woke you up, and you felt secure, and knee it was the disease talking, you might not have felt as bad. You would think oh brother, then do what you did, taking care of you, sleeping somewhere else.

Hey I tell ya separate bedrooms was GREAT. I did that. I had my own space to have quiet, read, watch tv, take a shower whatever. It was my haven. It was a boundary, when I go into my room I need my privacy. If his disease would have bothered me, I woulda showed him the door out and he could go to mommys, but he respected my space.

It was sad though, he was horribly abused by his A father, so he knew well how awful the disease made him. He understood what made me need to get away.

You did well getting away. Now as far as listening to the phone....to me it is like looking for needles and bottles. Just now our stuff. Its the disease.

I guess my greatest fear is the kiddo's hear this.

I am glad you came here to share.

And you know you are living with a disease hon. maybe those "other" couples are not. The disease is insanity.

Wish I was closer, would love to watch the kids for you. OH and the state or federal pays for the respite....

love,debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry this happened. The way I understand it, detachment isn't about pretending nothing bad happened; it's about not letting the bad things pull us into insanity and out of our serenity.

I'm sure others will have wise things to say, but I send you many hugs.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I know when I first began detaching 9in a crisis neeedless to say) I really expected miracles. I've been at detachment for a good few years now. Some days I do better than others.

The blanket sick and tired statements are also something I did. These days I am able to think I know where that thinking gets me.

Any new skill takes practice. Practising around an active alcoholic is like trying to lift a 300 lb weight without first stretching and working up to it. Try detaching when the lights are against you. Try detaching when you are in liine at the supermarket. I still have to start small.

I no longer expect any active alcoholic to hear my complaint. I expect them to hear my boundary because there is a consequence if they don't. I don't expect them to hear my feelings, my thoughts, my issues at all. Their disease means they are totally bound up in theirs. Do I have times when I remonstrate about that about how super manipulative they are and how everything is always about them sure thing. I also know that I do not have to let it control me day and night like it did for years on end.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

The program is about progress Looking; not perfection and I learned I worked it for
me because I needed it and not because or for her; the alcoholic/addict spouse. In
time I got it and after I got it I also got the message that I would want to work it in
all situations in all of my affairs. I cannot detach and "attach" both at the same time
so quite often detaching for me is working at not attaching; keeping my mind and
emotions out of her or their stuff and keeping my business and behaviors to myself
alone. Follow thru takes Practice, Practice, Practice. Keep coming back (((hugs))) smile

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-Anon does not promise that speaking our truth to another will fix that person or convince them to change, apologize, think things over, etc. It definitely does not promise that the A will not blow up at us.

My sponsor, thankfully, was always great about telling me that I can speak my mind - even do it peacefully and calmly, but there is absolutely NO promise that doing so will get that other person to respond peacefully and calmly in kind.

All I can do is keep my side of the fence clean. If I know everything's in order on my end, then if the person's response is negative it's because that person is not okay with themselves. They may NEVER be okay with themselves, and I cannot take that responsibility.

Being okay with someone being angry around me is a tough place for me to be. I've often had to leave the room or the house and get to a meeting or get on the phone with my sponsor or an Al-Anon friend if I was feeling attacked despite my best efforts to speak my heart peacefully.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.