How do you find happy? - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

How do you find happy?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn wrote:

.

Do any of you remember feeling this constant sadness, nothingness? Will I ever get better? Doctor has me on a new med. Also found a pain med I can take. Taking melatonin at night.

Dear Dear Deb

Your new avatar is beautiful
I do love to hear about "Rebaa" such a lovely little creature.

I have felt as you describe after the loss of my son to this dreadful disease. I understand how it feels as if you will never find peace and happiness , I assure you it will lift and you will
.
You are facing yet another huge change and difficult adjustment. Give yourself permission to be human. We need to feel the loss and the sadness when we move on. The move may be glorious and the new house perfect but we need to let go of the old. The dreams, the sadness and the people who have moved on

It is not easy and can be done with serenity and courage and wisdom.

Happy is hard to find while we grieve the ending Once you are in your new place happiness will once again find you It is in your heart and in the love you so wilingly share with nature and the world

Keep showing up and just as with your weight loss,which suddenly appeared so will happiness. smile

Keep close to MIP and the chat room You ae not alone ODAT this will be OK

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 28th of January 2011 11:38:28 PM

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb,

My two cents worth, Happiness is a decision.

I dont think we arrive at a destination called happiness. Its being hopeful and grateful and knowing, You have the courage, strength and wisdom to overcome any obstacle and make it to the other side.

You have all of that in you Deb. Your just unsure, I had the same thing happen to me awhile ago. I had to let go of my beautiful condo and trendy neighborhood that I lived in for 15 years, its what I knew for so long. I was unsure of where I would go and what would happen.

Im living in a nice senior apt. that I can afford for right now. We have to pray for acceptance of where we are right now. Nothing is written in stone that we wont be somewhere else .
Life has no guarantee's. I know you believe in your HP, it wont let you down Deb.

We must look forward, never behind, we cannot look at the past or what could have been. I lost two men to addiction. We must wish them well and move on to the next phase of our life. If you portray dissapointment and regret, thats what you will get back. Our lives are like mirrors, they reflect into our life, what we portray.

My favorite quote is a Buddhist quote, (not trying to convert anyone) its just a lot of wisdom.

"Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy. Regard suffering and joy as facts of life."

Happiness is something that we must each create in our hearts, through our own efforts. Happiness cannot be achieved without working for it. It is in the very process of challenging our problems that our lives are filled with joy and fufillment.

I have overcome a lot of challenges thru my early years of life. I started working on happiness when I was 37, that was when I became aware that being happy is my responsibility. Not always blaming the other person or my circumstances. I never looked at it from that perspective. Well, sorry to go on and on , but I like the subject of happiness, its my favorite.

Your going to be great Deb, give it some time. Luv, Bettina

DreamsOver · Senior Member

I understand that question.

I go back in time in my mind when life was was a comfortable sameness, if that makes sense, I came home to hugs, kisses, and laughter as my little boy grabbed me "I love you mommy"!

Sitting outside on the front porch watching my little son with his blonde hair shining in the sun like spun gold, as he rode up and down the driveway on his little bike with the garden hose sprinkling him as he drove back and forth in the gentle spray, we would laugh until it hurt our sides (I can't even remember the last time I laughed like that).

Christmas time was so simple but so happy, going up my mother and daddy's driveway for Christmas dinner, a fire in the little den with my family close and loving.
Our little world was safe and secure until cancer stole my dad away, my mother's health in decline for so many years, and my beautiful boy grew up and away from us into pot smoking, pill taking stranger that has shattered our hearts into a thousand pieces.

I have many things to be thankful for and I am, my husband is still here with me, and even though my youngest son has Autism, he is very high functioning and loves me and his dad very much and we love him back, but he will never know what his big brother was like at one time, he will never know his grandparents that would have loved him so much.

I won't ever be happy in that way again, the sands have shifted under my feet.

I can only take one day at a time and find little pieces of what I once had.

We have no choice but to press on, I love the letter to the Philippians that the Apostle Paul wrote, I read that letter often and I try to learn from this little letter of joy that he wrote while in chains in prison.

Change is never easy.

((((Hugs and love to you))))

Dreams

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

((Deb))

I remember having no happy. Thank HP I did have AlAnon, MIP and tools to maintain some sort of peace. For me that feeling had to do with loss, actually acceptance of loss, when I stopped fighting and did what I had to. I was in a very similar situation as you are. For a long time I had gratitude, peacefulness and serenity ... I was happy, yet nothing made me HAPPY! I know I am running in circles here and making little sense ... it comes back, you know those moments when Sully or one of the feline trio do something so silly that I can not stop the bubble of laughter that bursts out.... something just changed over time and those moments of overflowing bubble happy found me again. The first time it happened I laughed til I cried and I laughed and cried some more. For the past month or so my bubble happy moments come as I am walking through the house and this 25 pound feline will jump from a counter or table and latch his paws around my neck and want a ride. Anyone watching that happen the first time would have had a bubble happy moment, all I had was SHOCK I thought somebody had grabbed me from the neck! His previous owner had warned me but I had him for almost a year before he did it ... guess he trusts me now cause it is everyday and he latches on like a child who will not let go, only squirmier LOL

You are smart, strong and know how to use your tools give it some time and joy bubbles will find you again.

Jen

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Deb)))

I can't make you Happy, but I can make you smile.

Let me see...Your friend said you looked like you did when you were 40. The nerve of a friend saying that to someone who is only 39 as we speak !!

Deb this too shall pass. You will find Happy. Happy goes away from time to time. It's part of Happy's DNA. Then you wake up one morning, look in the mirror at the person we all know you are, smile, and Happy has returned. Hang tight Happy is just around the bend.

HUGS,
RLC

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Happy for me equals gratitude for what I do have , there is a line in our literature that says happiness is a mode of travel not a destination .. also happiness is an inside job , just another thing no one else can do for me .

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Ask my midget grandson Ethan who is 5 years old that question and he will
smile hugely and poke himself at the tummy cause now he knows that
"happiness is an inside job"...I agree that it is a decision a choice and inside job.

From the One Day at a Time Pamphlet..."Just for today I will be happy. This
assumes what Abraham Lincoln said that "most folks are as happy as they make
themselves out to be."

Grieve the change, let go of the fear, trust your HP and move on. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Jer, I love that pic of grandson you gave me in my head. I am smiling.

YES give it to hp. yes yes. Why is it we need to be reminded of that? That is what makes us need each other.

Abbya, I agree, I am working towards it. I do know I can and have given it to myself. I want to be whole again, foundation strong again if I do get to meet someone.

Mode of travel. I like that. We go towards happiness...

RLC yes you made me giggle. Ya know dear man I am very proud to say I am 58. (c: We "Aharts" have the gift of youthfulness. My gma was 106, I swear she looked 85! thank you for reminding me it does go dormant sometimes. Up to me to wake it up. (c:

Jennifer you made me laugh too! That is one huge cat! Mine are like that too. My one long haired Ginger, Winapurr, will walk reeeeeal slow toward my lap like I cannot see her if she is very quiet...lol.

Yes my dogs are honestly silly things. Even the dumb shi tzu/poodles who I swear have only half brains. They want me to brush them, I do then they growl and bite at me! dipsticks. I just bite them back! lol Ok will watch for my joy bubbles.

Dreams I remember the scripture, and will look for it. Maybe pm it to me? I remember when his brothers were walking to him, while he was in there. I imagined how very grateful, and happy he had to be!You reminded me to read my Bible more. I am going to my sunday meetings again! Got a very sore hip for sitting so long but it is worth it!

Bettina I liked what you said,"you are unsure." That is so perfect. I want you to know I considered the complexes for seniors! This one had a library, dvds, pool, get togethers, I mean sooo much. But I could not seem to find one that would take my dogs, two cats and a parrot lol.

BUT Bettina I am not ready for that, but you know I KNOW I will like to live in one someday! Of course one where I can have one dog. Many are like that. Just me and my GIANT mastiff! They are so mellow and easy.

You made me realize I did learn that, and it is very ok!Maybe once all these dogs go, and I get down to one, probably 10-15 years....I will be ready to move to a senior place. Its funny the things ya learn when ya go thru huge change.

Hotrod, thankyou. I liked how someone said we can be courageous even when we are afraid.

I liked what you said, reminding me there is lots of loss going on here. I miss my big sweet ginger cat so much. Lovey. I just could not chance him getting hit by something on the road or something getting him. I had to place him to be safe. It is HARD.
He always came to visit the horses. Always hung with me, rode in my car and pick up when I would open the door for him. I miss him terribly. My horse I KNOW he is in a super place with Lovey. So they have each other. I know my Ellie Bellie is fine.

You are right, sweetheart. I get like this when I go see mac my son in my old house he bought from me. I would have liked to move back into it. Never know, I may still. I could retire there easy. I am just accepting these feelings, but i keep taking one step at a time.

I did dream about my first dear husband last night. was nice. I will say I gave myself a break and took half a xanax. Just .25, slept 3 more hours, woke up with a comfy gut, feel better. Took another half. Giving my body a break to remember how it feels to not feel apprehension and trepidation.

It needs to stop as I am not scared anymore. Its a perfect example how medicine is different than taking it to get up or down.

Was a blessing to read all your comments. HUGE one.

This next week my friend and I are taking things up. I don't have much.

And the owner said he was going to build a storage shed! yay! For my garden stuff and tools. (c:

I am blessed as I am not being pushed out of here. A huge gift too.

thank you all. debilyn

f2fmember · Veteran Member

I remember that feeling very well.
I think, like Alanon its a kind of drip-drip thing.
I just realised one day that I didn't feel like that anymore.
I do believe that HP sends each of us a gift everyday. Just a little something to make us smile.
When I feel Im sinking back into having no happpiness I count how many times I smile in a day
I have to be willing though to go out and look for Gods gift. Sometimes it can be a song on the radio, or a friend who rings me unexpectedly
Sometimes its the sight of a beautiful flower that catches my eye or the sound of a child giggling.
One example, yesterday I went with a friend to a local Cathedral, While we were there chatting we saw a little robin had got into this enormous church and was just hopping about. It flew up onto the communion rail and just sat for a few minutes. Then flew down and hopped right up to us. Such a sweet little thing.
It took our focus completely away from ourselves or any of our issues.
A real gift from God that left us both with that warm feeling inside

That might sound really mushy I don't know

I think Alanon encouraged me to focus on myself to the point where I can get stuck in my own head. Don't get me wrong. That is much better than being stuck in my A's head. I suppose the next stage (and I'm working on it now) is to let go and just enjoy the world around me. Its safe to do it now.

Just for today I will be happy.
Most folks are as happy as they make their minds up to be.

f2f

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with you f2f member.
Loved the bird story. (c:
With clinical depression it is a disease just like any other.As I shared I know I am blessed. I do see wonderful things all the time.

going off the effexor maybe was not a good idea. I did so much better, felt like myself. But my bp was horribly high and it took misery to get off it.

Am on yet a new one again.Believe me if I could figure this out, I would do it. I am going to get some counseling. It may be all this loss is too much for me.

NOTHING is wrong. No one is sick or dieing, Nothing huge is going wrong! In fact all is pretty darn good. Hp knows what I can handle and just showed me that.

I hate to keep bringing it up, but for now, I am NOT enjoying living alone. I would like to just hear someone talk!

Am going to my sunday meetings. that is wonderful. I feel at ease. I need a wise ear.

I am not used to not having any goals or dreams. Used to want to do so many things.

Am thinking positive that something will help me get back up where I belong. Sure don't feel sorry for me.

What you reminded me of was this is an illness. Its not like I can do anything, see anything and I will feel better. BUT I do look, smile and still appreciate. Just feel like I am dieing inside.
Thank you so much for sharing!
love,deb

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