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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feeling like a failure
Post Info TOPIC: Feeling like a failure
babygirl71


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Feeling like a failure
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I haven't posted for awhile. My A did a week in detox and decided he was getting out. I made perhaps the colossal mistake of letting him come home. He said he was going to leave treatment regardless, that he had done treatment, that he just needed to detox, etc etc. Plus- I was scared about doing it on my own- paying the bills, being alone, that's hard to admit but true. So he came home and for a couple of weeks it was good, kind of fell in love with him all over again, and then last Sunday he started drinking again. I knew in my gut it was coming. Although he wasn't drinking for a couple of weeks he wasn't going to AA and hadn't gotten a sponser (like he said he would). Now, what to do. I have turned once again into the drinking police. Checking trash cans, nagging, confronting, all of that. Who is the sick one? Wow. He isn't drinking around me. He's working. Why am I doing this? So this is why I feel like a failure- I feel like I should have stuck to my guns and kicked him out the second I knew he was drinking. I felt like I should have been hard core. But I don't want to be without him. He is respecting (for the most part) the boundaries I set when he was drinking before.....not drinking around me, not coming home drunk, however I know he is drinking in the house when I am gone (I work nights), he is working- contributing. Yet since he started drinking again all we do is fight. Partly my deal. Because I am just a crazy control freak calling him when he's out of town, deciphering the sound of his voice, nagging him about the drinking...when it is actually not affecting me at the time. Am I making sense? Do I make him leave? Am I enabling him by not making him leave? I don't know what to do anymore. And I was kind of afraid to come back here because I felt like a failure when I let him come home.

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babygirl71


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So, my latest thought is. There is no right or wrong as far as kicking him out or letting him stay. What I need to do is shut up when it comes to his drinking. Live my life. Quit nagging. Policing. I can't control it or cure it. I am making myself miserable doing it. I am doing that. If his drinking gets to a point where it is hurting my life again, and it probably will, then I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I'm just so bummed out though. But I have to get out of this cycle where my happiness is dependent on his sobriety. It's just so hard to have boundaries and yet not get into the control game with an A. It's such a fuzzy gray area. Loving someone but not letting their addiction consume you- when you live with them. Idk. I'm very confused.

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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Dear Babygirl

Wow your second post was a complete answer to your first .  The only thing I would need to suggest is that you need support in order to reclaim your life. 

Please look you alanon meetings in your community

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
This disease effects everyone  Meetings and the new tools for living will break your isolation, help you to completely focus on yourself and enable you to rebuild your self esteem and confidence.

Keep coming back here as well  It helps



-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 28th of January 2011 03:52:28 PM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Mattie


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He doesn't want to be without alcoholc, you don't want to be without him.  We all have the things we find hard to move away from, don't we?  I second the suggestion that you get some support -- meetings, sponsor, boards.  As they say, nothing changes if nothing changes.  The "good" news is, we get infinite chances to detach until finally we figure out how.  Get more support and start on your own recovery and things will change.  Hugs to you.

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DadtoCandE


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Just wanted to say you're not a failure.  The addict is so different from the one we love, right now mine got out of rehab last Wednesday, it's a honeymoon period, her relationship with our older boy has turned 180 degrees and it is so good to see.  Right now I'm taking this as a visit from the person I love,  I'm thankful for the time and I hope she sticks around, but I am preparing myself emotionally if she checks out again.  My biggest concern is how it will affect my boys if the addict comes back, but I think it's better at this point just to be thankful for the time.  It's crazy, but the addict actually has a different physical appearance, my younger boy was looking at a picture of my wife during a drinking stage and commented on "how different you looked back then mom"  I knew exactly what he meant, her face is completely different when she's drinking.

So take the "visit" for what it was, try not to police, because it isn't going to bring back the guy you love and think about whether or not your boundaries are set up for your happiness, or to try to convince him to stop drinking, you're right it's the grayest area there is, but if your expectation is that he'll stop drinking, there' your answer.

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canadianguy


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You're not a failure at all.... the reality is that "living around active alcoholism" is more than most of us can handle on our own....

You need.....  an active program of recovery for you, and by the sounds of it - you have that.... utilize Al-Anon, online meetings, and this board, as much as you can....

It's crazy-making behavior, for sure, and maddening that they just don't "get it".....

The good news is that you aren't alone, and we understand.... 

Dive into your program, and the answers you need, for you, will become more clear....

Try not to beat yourself up - you are going through a difficult crisis at the moment, and it's a good thing to be reaching out.....

Tom

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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
Debilyn


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Oh hon I am sad you feel you failed. I don't believe in failure. I always told my students it only means you have more to learn. We all do!

MIP is  "Miracles in Progress" remember? We are all one of those. We WANT everyone to feel at home here no matter what! Believe me I have been in some HUGE messes here and was always made to feel welcomed.

Am glad you came. I don't know what you think you did wrong. You made a choice, now you are thinking maybe the other choice would have been better. BUT hon you would never have known or learned if you had not given it a chance.

Gave my A and my marriage MANY chances I am NOT sorry. Honey you got two good weeks! precious time!

I promise you can learn to be ok whether he is drinking or not. We learn skills how to cope with their disease. When we really let go and just love them, and leave the disease to them, we can thrive.


You will not care anymore about hunting for bottles or "proof' you will come to acceptance he has a disease, it is his own. Drinking is a symptom of that disease as is the fact it is progressive as they use.

It is not personal! He is not doing it to hurt you. The sooner we detach from it being any of our business the better.

We start using our own power, protecting ourselves, vehicles in our name only, home in our name only Do not sign anything with them, credit cards, loans etc. I believe in putting money away. I don't spend dollar bill and save them now.

The more you cut yourself off from HIS business, the more you will just love the man. If things get where you can't take his drunk behavior, I would always be nice, go read, watch tv in my bedroom, go sit in the barn, go for a drive.

I learned to live with him. I wish he had not been physically abusive. I would stil be with him!

Anyway glad to see ya! You will know what to do when ya do! I promise

Love,debilyn


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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

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Keep it simple do the exact opposite to what you normally do and things will get better , accept that what your doing is not working your not getting the results your looking for so instead of  trying to figure out to do about him focus on yourself , if we put half the effort and energy into our own lives that we give the alcoholic we would be in pretty good shape . Are you a failure NO your not  you love an alcoholic and thats ok , but trying to control this disease is  total waste of your time .. take care of you go to your meetings read the literature , do what it suggest to the best of your ability and your gonna be just fine . Louise

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feeling like a failure