The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I felt compelled to read all of my daily readers before starting my day in full. I have a copy of ODAT at home, Courage to Change in my car, and Hope for Today in my desk.
I needed everything I read out of each reader.
I was exaggeratedly cranky yesterday afternoon. I have a huge project looming before me at my job. It's not so much the project that raises anxiety in me, it's the personalities that I'll be working with on the project. There are some huge egos and when I'm around huge egos, I can get fearful and start convincing myself of being "less than" and that I have to prove myself to these people.
After meeting about the project, I came back to my desk to discover what looked like at least 100 ants mobbing a tupperware dish I'd rinsed out and re-sealed (but apparently not good enough to keep ants at bay - they're always after water. This is the joy of living in a tropical climate - year-round bugs.) It was really disturbing and while those little ants were hauling away tiny droplets of water I decided to let them take off with my serenity on top of it.
I yanked out a can of Lysol spray and sprayed them down and wiped them all off my desk - but while doing this, I knew a co-worker of mine who sits nearby was sensitive to Lysol but I sprayed anyway. My co-worker voiced her concern and I snapped at her about being mobbed by ants and that I needed to kill them and get them off my desk.
I felt icky after she left the area. Did a quick inventory and knew my reaction to her was my being defensive because I've always known she didn't like Lysol being sprayed around her but I did it anyway. Thank goodness for Al-Anon - I apologized to her for my behavior and told her I'd look for a better solution, and she apologized to me and told me it was okay if I used Lysol, just let her know in advance so she could leave the area for a while.
So - all my crabbiness in all my encounters yesterday afternoon were born from fear. Fear of working with big egos. Fear of upsetting others. I went home last night and spent some time going over my Al-Anon goals for 2011 (a bunch of us get together the beginning of every year after taking an inventory of our progress over the past year and set goals for the coming year based on our discoveries with our inventories.)
To sum up my overall goal for 2011, the phrase would be "Give it to God".
So last night, as I made some index cards with my 2011 Give it to God goals to put into my daily readers, I turned over my fears to God.
Today's daily readers helped me get some ideas on working with my fears.
ODAT suggested I don't try to just eliminate my fears, but replace them with faith and trust. Courage to Change reminded me to keep the focus on me. Hope for Today reminded me to have some fun while I'm at it.
Right on, aloha! I found the same thing - I could not simply just stop doing something bc then all I was doing was obsessing about what Iwas not doing (adhd over here = i obsess naturally, constantly lol) and I found the same thing, when I was worried about others - I can pray and give them over to god/hp - to let got take care of them and their thoughts and I can detach with love and let them have their fears. (When ppl are throwing their social weight around or they're on a power trip with showing off their big ego - (mine is prettty big too and rather insecure) I can remind myself that my fear is what I am seeing reflected in their ego - I know the ego is run by fear and when people want recognition or approval it too is an ego thing (acknowledgement is different (slightly I think)). I can know that it is their ego coming out and I can identify that. When I say - that is them, that reminds me to detach from them and to not take them (their thoughts, opinions, attitudes) personally.
All the times where I thought people were thinking about me or judging me, when I went and asked them, they were definetely not concerned with me, just with themselves. In my delusions of thinking it was all about me, it rarely ever was. Cling to the notion that you do deserve better and more, then work to see how you can get it and actualize it for YOU. I was told I could only feel bad if I gave them permission to, I have to agree with what they are saying, I have to agree that I am worthless. Well, as I am kind and gentle to me, as I stand up for me and do the right thing - (like u did apologizing for the lysol and next time u can tell her to scoot while u spray for a few minutes) that will give you a feeling of worth bc you are doing something good for you (following thru on ur word)and beneficial (considerate) for the other lady. We cannot expect others to do what we are doing in program and that is ok, being responsible and accountable for us is a full time job.
Maybe a visualisation can help you at work. Maybe when u identify these big egos coming out to be on top -- see a huge giant balloon where their head is, u know like we sick in the forehaed of an A, see a huge balloon represetning their puffed up ego, see how it dances so - it is fragile and easily popped, it is also stuck to them too. The more I back away from my own ego - by seeing it for what it is (usually fear driven - I can use my acronym for fear - future events arent real - that helps me get back to right now, reality and what can I do for me right now to feel better or about my situation). When u see the ego balloon remeber to detach, see thier weakenesses all exposed, take some compassion on them and pray for them if nothing else is working - that always reminds me to allow them to be who they are and not take it personally and to know who I am in the palm and light of HP/god.
I like using my identifying things trcik bc that reminds me to detach & focus on me, the one I can change and control.
Think what is the worst that can happen with this project if it all went bad - well maybe they wouldnt like you ideas - ok so it is a rejection. If no is the worst ur going to hear, what is the big deal anyway, I mean really who cares, the sky isnt falling, no one is naked and humiliated in front of the whole school LOL.
If you were completely secure and ur ego wasnt playing tricks with you, and u could easily get up there with all of the confidence in the world - what would u want to bring to the project? What would u like to see as an outcome? I did this in my life with regards to my bf - I pretended I had the perfect relationship that I already wanted, I just pretended he was off at work, out of town or soemthing -- then I could act as it, I had all the confidence of what I already wanted, and I began to do and act differntly too - so what would u be doing if you were already so confident and secure within yourself - what would be happening? Well so idk if that helps but our fear is all made up anyway, so why not toss out the negative preconceived ideas, and imagine everyone likes you and your ideas already - would that allow you to feel more comfortable and secure in your own skin? In the meantime, u have to give you permissiion to want more and to want resepct. I foudn that when I gave the respect to me first, by acknowledging my own feeings and issues within me - that alone was a huge change and it helped me to feel better about me and own how I feel.
If for this project you habe to do some pubic speaking or that sort of thing - practising your speech in the mirror helps a lot. I used to be very fearful to introduce myself to new clients when I worked as a hair stylist for 18 yrs -- early on I "pretended" to act - like my job was all just a big act, I was "acting" like a hairstylist and I didnt have to take the exchange personally - it was my role - seperate from me and that made working easier.
Also when ur over come with the fear or the ego issue, u can pray and willingly hand over the fear to HP and keep practising handing it over and letting it go. Focus on the unconditional acceptance HP has for all of us and practise applying that to YOU. Believe and trust u are worth far more then you know right now.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My sponsor reminded me this morning that when I'm feeling this passionately about someone that there's definitely something to see in myself - something in me that's not okay. (And I'm reminded as I type this of the finger-pointing analogy. When I'm pointing my finger at someone, I have three pointing back at me!)
I do know I'm trying my best to approach this situation with the steps and traditions in mind.
Step one - I'm powerless over this guy so all I can really do is work on myself in how I behave and respond around him.
Tradition twelve - where the project is concerned, I need to remember to place principles before personalities.
I see myself getting to work on doing a lot of detaching, asking myself "How important is it?" Meaning the job in and of itself is important, but in the grand scheme of things it's not so important that I lose my serenity over it.
How important is it? saved me a lot of grief - and applying the THINK acronym - is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, Kind? bc for me, it usually was not "necessary" it was me trying to either ease my conscience or it was me being controlling or unforgiving.
I was a typical desperate female - I idealized marriage and was willing to sacrifice my life for others. That is not what healthy people want - I only attracted users and A's like that, being manipualitve and trying to "make" others "like me". The truth is people like and gravitate to kindness and genuinity. Being honest and true to yourself is the only way to go - otherwise ur living a lie and I had had enough of that! I was sick of feeling all of this real emotion and investment, only to learn that the man was there using me bc I was so damned willing to compromise me, how could they say no when I was making it so easy for them to use me? I was so availabe and willing to pay and pay. People have no respect for that.
So after a few months off from dating - I worked on my boundaries and began reading up on how to date. Bc in the past, as an acoa, I would rush and force (manufacture) intimacy and think - sex was a good way to get to know someone ~ how wrong that thinking is! lol
I decided to save physical intimacy and get to know the person a little - bc most of the men I hopped into bed with, if I had gotten to know them first, Id have never been with them sexually. I also set boundaries like - if I suspect there is an A issue, I am goiong to avoid that person. Just bc I know I couldnt and didnt want to be with an A ever again and I was willing to be alone instead. That was the first thing I did right so that HP could see I was really serious and working it, for me.
The other thing I did was to implement not asking adults qeustions. This may sound really nuts lol but it worked in so many ways - for one thing when we question a man (or anyone) it is telling them that we do not trust their judgement for one. Usually when i would want to ask them something - I found it was a way for me to attempt to manipulate or control them which everyone resents (we resent them too for not taking our super fantastic advice lol ugh).
I did online dating and I am not talking about not asking any questions when u are just getting to know about someone in a early conversation in emails or IM for instance. But once u do meet them - let the man be the man - I mean to let them plan the date, let them share with you what they want to offer you - see who they are first, accept what they show you. People show you who they are the first time, believe them when they do, dont sugar coat it or paint it with your own brush.
After a few years of not asking questions (in general not in every single instance) I found that I had developed respect and that it was not resepctful of me to question their life, thier choices, their plans. It is rude, really.
People want to be loved and accepted, we do not have to agre or validate them to love them and if they want validation like that or for me to "agree" then that is red flag. We are allowed to have our own provate thoughts and have our own opinions.
I was also very quick to want to direct the relationship or make things easier for me, so I always wanted to move in with people. I decided that a year is good amount of time to date and a reasonalbe time to wait before anyone mentions living together. If he brought that up too early, it was another red flad bc I know I used to do it too.
bc of my acoa - willingess to cast me aside and focus on others - I had to make sure I was happy and accpeting when I saw my bf and when he was gone - if I thought about him I would quickly pray and let him go to HP-- bc all of that obsessing takes me away from being powerful and effective in my own life.
Of course in dating if an issue or topic comes up - then uc an ask and talk about it. Allow the issues/topics to come up naturally (I used to want to share way too much too early - it is another red flag). bc of my being an only child - I feel more and faster then others, only children attach quicker and I knew that scared ppl in the past, I wanted to keep that in check for my own healthy program.
I also now see how vital it is to date more than one person at a time. Dating is a means to see if you want to get to know them more or have more. Date so that you can expereince some different things before u commit to one person - bc a commitment is a big deal and there is no need to rush a good thing, good things are worth working for and waiting for.
I think a succesful relationship is one in which both people are willing to work together. Willingness is one of the most important ingredients to life. I ve read that a good relationship is one in which both people are compromising daily (just dont compromise YOUr basic needs-ever) our wants are (for the most part) totally irrelevant and we can compromise and work together on those.
I wanted to be accepted the way i was practising to do for them. I knew if they began to ask me a ton of questions or to get me to change what I was doing (control) that those were red flag issues that wont change easily - and the last thing I wanted was to be controlled again or betrayed.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
