Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Sober but DISRESPECTFUL and ABUSIVE!
Post Info TOPIC: Sober but DISRESPECTFUL and ABUSIVE!
roxygirl


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 17
Date:
Sober but DISRESPECTFUL and ABUSIVE!
Permalink  

My son is 27 yrs. old and he went to rehab from 4/10 - 6/10 and then moved into my house so he could get back on his feet.  I thought to myself, this is it, he is going to finally get his life back on track! And he started out going to AA meetings for the first month.  He got a part time. He was living at my house for free, free meals etc.  The money he made at his job was going into a savings acct. so when he moved out
June 1, 2011 he would have money in case of emergencies.  Well, his job only lasted 3 months, he got fired for talking to much.  He only requires himself to fill out 5 employment applications a day and that's it.  He says he needs his weekends off for free time.  Free time? that's all he has.  After placing 5 applications per day, he comes home and plays his 360 Xbox live until he goes to bed which is around 12:00 - 1:00 and then sleeps in until 10-11 am every morning. He is so lazy and has no motivation whatsoever!   Well, we got into a huge fight and every other word for 'xxxx' this, 'xxxx' that, and I'm his mother.  I told him I don't want to hear that language.  He didn't care he was enraged and loud and out of control.  He said some mean and hurtful things to my husband and I.  I told him that's it, we are tired of your disrepectfulness and abuse you need to move out by March 1. 
He is going to move in with his aunt in Conneticut June 1st, meanwhile he has nowhere to go.  But that's not my problem right!  There is a part of me even though he was disrepectful and abusive to me that I don't want him to be homeless until he can move to his aunt's.  I feel if I give into him and let him stay to 6/1/11 he's going to know I'm weak and have zero respect for me.  Please advise, I'm very confused as what to do.

Love to hear from you,
Roxygirl

-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 25th of January 2011 05:17:56 PM

__________________
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

Hi Roxygirl,
As long as we do not allow them the dignity of finding their own strengths, they will take advantage of us.

A's need to be on a recovery program. A map personalized for them to follow. Other wise they are just a dry addict. Just not using a drug at this time.

It's hard, I know. My son was sent out the door with no money, no vehicle etc. He had to figure it out. I had NO doubt he could. I was saying to him, I KNOW you can do it, I know you are a strong, intelligent man.

He is 34 now and very independant, knows the value of a good job done. Knows how to take care of himself and a family.

When we "take them in" we are doing them NO favors. When we show them the door we are telling them we have confidence in them. Let him find his own power, strengths!

Him already having another place to not have to grow up is not a good solution. How will he ever learn he can take care of himself!? He is an adult!

This treatment is that of a 4 year old! Did you allow him to talk to like that back then? I bet not!

Even buying some groceries, putting gas in the car, something, but to have all he earned to save for him?

If he has money put away, gets unemployment, that is MORE than a lot of people who live on their own.

Back to you. We have to take care of our self, remember we teach others how to treat us. Do you guys have rules/boundaries?

When we have to push them out of our nest, its not a fun thing to do. I cried the first week! But my boy/man did not disappoint me!

WE must give them a chance to fly! They need to feel their own survival instincts. When does it end that they are being babysat?

Remember how it felt to buy your first bike or car? Or when you rented or bought your first house on your own??? When we rob them of these milestones they don't grow up.

Hey there are shelters, food. Plus he could find someone at AA who might rent him a room! Or he could go out there and figure it out himself.

Take care of you hon! We gotta love them enough to say I know you can do it!

love,deb




__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
roxygirl


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 17
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you Deb, that was so well said! I will remember this.

__________________
Rita G


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1491
Date:
Permalink  

((roxy))

By giving him the freedom to find his own way - you are loving him enough,
stating that you have enough belief in him that he CAN do it, that he is strong enough, that he is mature enough and he has the capability to succeed.

When my daughter wanted to move back home - I knew she wasn't sober, I knew she wasn't working any type of recovery program - I also knew her dad (my ah at the time) wasn't either of those things too! I knew HE would be a hinderance to her ~ so I told her in the most loving way that I could "Ash, I don't want to rob you of your dignity to find your own way."

Did she understand then - probably not.
But since then she was in recovery and she said that even tho she didn't have the self-esteem and self-respect ~ She was glad to receive it from me.

From my perspective by not allowing them to treat us badly we are saying "I respect myself and I respect you!"

What a healthy gift for everyone!

I know he may not see it that way right now - but remember if nothing changes nothing changes!

PINK HUGS to you and prayers for guidance for you to know what is best for you to do in your situation,

Rita


__________________

No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK - teamwork.gif
abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3854
Date:
Permalink  

Our detachment pamphlet * my fav piece of literature* says that we are not to allow ourselves to be USED or ABUSED in the name of anyones recovery .. and it also says to not do for them what they could do for themselves ,pay rent , food etc .. as long as we continue to look after thier needs there is no reason to work  they have everything they need . I was told to allow them the dignity to live thier lives the way they choose but it dosent have to be in my house..

-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 25th of January 2011 03:02:28 PM

__________________

I came- I came to-I came to be
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  



I am sooo grateful for the program showing me how to come from a position of
humility, faith, trust, and love with my HP on situations like this.  Had I not gotten
these lessons I would still be giving myself "my reasons and justifications" to hang
on tighter and longer which I did early on.  Today I don't have to do that.  I don't
have to react and I don't have to keep standing in the way between HP and others
in my world who for what ever reason don't become responsible for and to themselves.

Let Go and Let God is natural behavior today...not just a thought.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

By the way...loud and profane at my house turns on a large magnet at the door.  They
get to leave without discussion.  Peace of mind and serenity is one of the consequences of a program well worked.



__________________
Karilynn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3656
Date:
Permalink  

(((Roxy))),

Lots of great replies here.  Let me give you a new perspective by asking this question.  If a friend of yours treated you this way would it be okay?  Would you tolerate it?  If the answer is yes, then you know what to do.  If the answer is NO, then you also know what to do.

I've always wondered why we (including myself) allow the people closest to us to treat us this way.  Yet if it was someone else, the answer is clear and simple.  We would stand up for ourselves. Why do we do this?  Part of it is our disease.  Part of it is "blood is thicker than water". I am sure there are other "X factors" involved as well.

All I know is that recovery is about taking your life back and living the life you so richly deserve.  It's about living strong.  I can't do that if I allow people to disrespect me, regardless if they are related to me or not.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty smile

__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Sober but DISRESPECTFUL and ABUSIVE!