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I attended another meeting I don't normally attend on Friday night. It was actually an open AA meeting but with open Al-Anon participation. One of my double-winner friends started it and is calling it a Common Ground meeting. I think it's a fantastic idea, personally. Don't know how it gets listed in all the "official" stuff, but I think it's "officially" an AA meeting.
Anyhow, it was good for me to get there - I don't get to many open AA meetings and listen to their perception on things.
I had some great self-awareness at the meeting, however. I could see my inner rescuer wanting to reach out and ease people's pain... and my inner masochist still feeling attracted to the bad boys.
There was a gal there who was suffering with staying clean and in clear emotional pain. The rescuer in me was thinking in my head that maybe I could offer to let her stay at my place just one night where she could be some place "safe" with no temptations. A split second after that, I heard myself thinking "HA! Look at you, Kelly! You're drawn to the possibilities of this girl instead of accepting who she is right at this moment. You imagine that YOU have the power to fix her pain, even for one night!"
And then there was a cute guy there who was sharing his story... got out of jail a few months ago, trying to live sober. And I caught myself thinking how attractive he was and actually feeling drawn to the fact that he was a "bad boy". My head has an outstanding imagination. I can play through these scenarios in my head of him being a bad boy, but he won't be that way around me... I imagine I have this special power that radiates from me that makes bad boys turn good just for me. Just as I had the alarm bells go off after imagining saving the girl, the alarm bells started playing off in my head when I realized I was playing out an imaginary life with Mr. Ex-Felon. I just kept hearing "Alert! Alert! He's a felon and an alcoholic. Look at who he IS instead of who you think he could maybe one day be!!"
Whew.
I think I need to plop myself down in more open AA meetings if just for the exercise of learning to detach and accept alcoholics/addicts for who they are instead of fantasizing how I can morph them into something of my own choosing.
Boy and do I want to "fix" you on that one....LOL "Admitted I am powerless..." brings the thought into the present and I gotta change the We to I and the were to am in constant watch. Good wakeup share...Mahalo Kelly. (((hugs)))
Wow!! I never thought of myself like that, but as you described...I'm the same way...I realized in your post that I want to always jump in and fix or solve everyones problems! I want to ease people's pain and do what i can to make things for them easier. We are fixers...and that's not always necessarily a bad thing...but what we have to realize is that we really can't fix anyone.....they have to fix themselves, we can offer support and advice, but that's about it. As for being attracted to the bad boy.....that's something that is very very hard to overcome....we can't always help who we are attracted too, and who we fall in love with....
Like reading a page in a mirror. Thanks for the share, and for giving me insight into myself.
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~Rhivenn. __________________________________________________________________________________________ "You come to love, not by finding the perfect person...but by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly." ~Sam Keen.
I have long known that A's and I are magnets for one another. I could walk into a room where there are 99 non-alcoholic men and 1 alcoholic -- and guess which one I will be irresistably drawn to?
Oddly enough, it works almost the same way with close female friends, as I tend to gravitate toward other ACoA women, long before we know that we are both ACoA.
Sometimes I think that the only men who will ever be attracted to me are A's, because that's the way it has always been.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Hmm, this sounds like my sister(and me to some degree). My sister seriously lives in Fairytale Land. Her dh asked her for a divorce last year as he was having an online affair, then after a short counseling stint he started placing sex ads on craigslist, then he started chatting on a different website with other women. He would do sexual things and video himself and send it to these women and he thought nothing was wrong with what he was doing. He would defend his actions and until just recently, my sister used to believe him.
I thought she was going to file for divorce back in September but he, once again, changed his bad boy ways and apologized and promised to be a good boy. She's now pregnant with number 2 and she's having issues with him and the porn and playing video games for hours on end. They already have a 5 year old! It's like she keeps believing that she can fix him or talk him out of his addictive behaviors. I'm slowly learning here that 1.the grass is not always greener on the other side and 2. I can't control anyone else. I just wish I could pass it on to her, LOL! She's my baby sister and I worry so much that he's killing her spirit but she just keeps pressing on.
I know this was long, but I thought I'd let you know that you aren't the only one who likes those 'bad boys' or 'rescuees' so to speak. It's what we do, right? Yet, we're all here to learn how to break these habits and how to better ourselves.
Thanks for posting this. I like the way you put it. I needed to read this today. I'm glad that you shared your awareness because I do the same thing too. I like the way you said you try to morph them!! It's true for me that I think that I can do that. Have a great day, thanks for sharing.
aloha ((((( Aloha )))))) and mahalo for this post!
I say to try to be even more detached and objective, step back even further and see that you wanting to rescue them bc they abandon/ignore their own needs - is the same thing that they are doing to themselves. We are not that different from them and they are also codependent enalbers too, they can trigger and enable themselves - so the A's are (subconsciously almost always triggering us and vice versa - we can trigger us alone too).
For me it came to me in a flash - I want to ignore my needs to focus on another - that feeds the disease for us all. I had to examine why I was so willing to toss/cast me aside wholly for another adult who is making the same poor choices and abadnonning themselves - as their own personal choice. People in recovery are different in that they are being brutally hoenst and working their program and the reality of relapse is ever and always present (for us both too).
I could see that I was sacrificing and trashing me for others who were doing the same exact thing. What was I showing my HP? It surely was not that I valued myself or my life or my time. If I trash me for them, what does that say - I dont even think I am worth saving -- that realisation (connection) right there but me to my core and I did an immediate 180*. I focus on me with all of my might, with conscious and contientous effort. The moment I go to them - I leave me, I leave my HP -bc obviously I think I am their god now - and my own standard of what "healthy" is - isnot the same for everyone or necessarily anyone else -- it is not by my measure bc then that is judging and I do not want to condemn or judge me, so I cannot do it to others. This is where the deeper levels of acceptance and powerlessness come into play and loving detachment.
When I work on controlling just me, that is expressing resepct and loving detachment first to me and then to the rest of the world. As I focus on me (my feelings, issues, moods, whims, attitudes) I am practising self care of self regulation.
There is nothing wrong with being suportive, which is listening, being open and hearing them (not simulatenously rescuing them when they are speaking) but truly being in that present moment and acknowledging them and honoring and respecting them by exercising faith that HP is working in their lives and IMHO all healing/recovery happens in God's/HP's time-line, not mine.
The other way to look at rescuing behavior is from the stand point of being in thier shoes. How would you feel to be told u are doing it wrong or you are not acceptable as you are now or to hear, here, 'let me help you' - like you cannot do it right on your own. It feels insulting and it is controlling and manipualtive - it is the disease - for me the disease is our thoughts, feelings, issues - those behaviors that stem from manipulation. That behavior brings up resentments right away too and I no longer feel that poison.
Forgive you for abandonning yourself and love you and honor and respect you. Today I see those bad boys as people that are terrified of loving themselves, I know bc I was once one too. Having a relationship witjh you and knowing that you have your own back - there is nothing like it that I have ever experienced before.
TY for this great thread! Take care of YOU whatever that looks like. You are worth loving and rescuing for YOUrself! kcb ur worth it and more
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
For me some of the program is to listen to others with detachment. I can certainly identify with struggling and really not knowing what to do next. At the same time these days with a program my first priority is to take care of myself. That is the entire focus of my life at the moment. I certainly "give" to others in small ways but it is not in the self sacrificing obsessional way I once did.
I actually find it very very hard to listen to a drunkalogue at the moment. I really have come to believe if someone wants to stay sober they have to be "willing" to change everything and do whatever it takes to stay that way. That kind of attitude is not always that present at meetings.
I know that I can also get into thinking I need to practice being around dysfunctional people in order to learn to detach. My life is always full of them, meeting or no meeting, they are my neighbors, co workers, people who I meet walking down the street. My meditation teacher, Steven Levine suggests starting with the 3 lb weight rather than the 300 lb weight. Detaching on the train when people are rude and obnoxious is a skill. Detaching to an alcoholic who is in early recovery is a megaskill. The only way I could do that would be to immerse myself in skill building before even thinking to attempt it.
As for being attracted to the bad boy.....that's something that is very very hard to overcome....we can't always help who we are attracted too, and who we fall in love with....
I saw this post when it first came out over a month ago. I have thought on it long and hard. Why am I drawn to the "bad boys"? Why do I 'fall in love' with only 'bad boys'? I have been dating a 'nice guy' for a year and a half now, almost married him, but he didn't hold for me the 'attraction' of the 'bad boy'. I tried to 'make' myself love him and couldn't. It just wasn't there.
So ok...there's an awareness that I have this problem. Now what the hec do I do with it? I am still attracted (and in love with) my ex-AH. I don't seem to be able to get over it. He is now sober, but without a program. So he is basically a dry drunk. He has some awareness of his problem as he has talked to some AA people and has started going to church.
What drew me to this particular response to this posting on 'bad boys' was sdisnie's use of the term 'overcome' because obviously that's my nick and also the reference to "we can't always help who we are attracted too, and who we fall in love with...." because that is just where I'm at.
Thanks for listening, Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
