The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I finally, after giving ABF too many chances and repeatedly getting hurt and lied to and taken advantage of, basically cut him out of my life. For my sake and my daughter's. I've been working my program, focusing on me, etc. But at the same time I was still hanging onto the insane hope that he would hit bottom and finally seek recovery. I really tried to have no expectations, but if I'm being honest with myself, I did.
So last week I told him I need him gone, out of my life. He can no longer show up at my home, come and go as he pleases, use my bathroom or eat my food (he was homeless and had lost his job, so I had been trying to be "compassionate" and help him in the little ways that I could -- which I now see as me continuing to enable him).
So now he's gone. He said he would need to come by and get some of his stuff that's still at my place, but he hasn't. I know he's planning to move out of state, which is probably best for me. Not so much for him, b/c until he seeks sobriety, he will not be able to keep a job or any relationships of any kind, but that's not my problem.
Over the past week, I have been grieving. Letting go of any last hopes I may have had that he might eventually become the man I fell in love with again. That man is dead. Honestly, it does feel like grieving a death (my apologies to anyone who has truly suffered the death of a loved one -- I just don't know how else to describe it). I need to move on. I need to stop hoping we may someday have a future. I remember all of the good times, before this disease totally took over. And I cry. I get really sad and nostalgic. I know I need to stop that, yet I think in some way it's normal to go through the grieving process.
I'm trying to set healthy goals for myself. Get my financial stuff in better shape. Start yoga classes, take up rollerblading, take a cooking class. All things I haven't actually started yet b/c I'm stuck in this grieving mode. I will say that, although I am grieving, I do feel a lot less stress and anxiety not having him around. But I miss him. Not the full-blown alcoholic him, but the him that used to exist. But that guy hasn't been around for awhile, so why am I grieving his loss now?
Just wanting to know others' experiences in finally and completely letting go and moving on. Did you allow yourselves to grieve a bit? Did it get better over time? Does it ever hurt less?
oh my goodness I am in a very similiar place as you right now, I just read your post and couldn't believe it.
I have just set my boundry too with ABF (I'm not going down this using road again with anyone) and he is gone too, it's been one week and three days and I am grieving terribly, i miss him, i wonder where he is and what hes doing and whether he will be OK. I wonder if he loves me and why it has to be this way.
I want to tell him i love him and i care about him and his children and that i want the old us back and that i want him to get off that stuff and sober up but i am too proud and I have been too hurt and hearing his version of things hurts my feelings (it's all my fault)
I know I will be OK in a few months but i know i have to be responsible for being cheerful and planning activities for myself and my son.
I know the hurt won't last forever but i will see clearer soon.
I know I didn't cause it and I can't stop and I can't make it better
((((jettiesgirl)))) Hearing your words, it's like you jumped into my brain and spoke my feelings for me.
I totally understand exactly how you feel, I used to feel like that all the time, still do, from time to time.
My AH is in rehab right now, he comes home in a two and a half weeks. So, it's easier for me to focus on my self right now without the distraction of an insane and delusional person fumbling around, breaking stuff, and driving me crazy, even if I only allow my self to "feel" crazy for a minute before absolutely forcing myself with every bit of energy and will power I can summon to focus on something, anything, else. This process always drains me...
I'm curious to see what others with the experience you are asking about (letting go, moving on) got through it. I'm assuming you are referring to others who have left their alcoholics?
I would imagine, like everything else, it gets easier with time.
Thanks so much, ladies. It's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way (though I am saddened that you are both going through a similar experience). I kind of feel like, after nearly a year of Al-Anon, I should have my stuff more together. That I shouldn't be focused on him at all. But when someone who's been in my life for nine years is suddenly gone, and so much hurt, pain, betrayal, etc, has occurred, it's so hard for me to just let it go. I get those insecure thoughts, like did he ever really love me? Does it even register with him how much pain he's caused me and continues to cause me? Is it that easy for him to just walk away and toss aside the one person who supported and believed in him for so long? It just plain hurts. And, rationally, I realize that his disease won't allow him to see the pain he's caused. Won't allow him to feel the love for me that he used to. He's sick. It's not a rational disease. And I need to learn to let him go. Just don't know how yet. It's very difficult and confusing to try to focus on my own recovery on the one hand, yet try to understand how he could throw it all away on the other hand. I apologize. I'm just a mess right now.
-- Edited by jettiesgirl on Sunday 23rd of January 2011 01:22:14 AM
We're all a mess from time to time. ... I don't think anyone, other than other Alanon-ers, could ever fully understand the deep, multi-layered pain alcoholism/addiction brings to the partner.
I know what you mean..how you understand, intellectually, certain things, but then you let the part where you've allowed yourself to be brought down second guess that instinct, that rational thought process.
Keep telling yourself what you know to be true. He's sick, he's incapable of rational thought, he is probably so overwhelmed with guilt and shame, and clouded and insane from his addiction, that he can't think clearly, the decisions he makes, or his actions, are those of a sick person... very very sad.
They can't love you, show love, the way a healthy person can. They have to love themselves first - take care of themselves first, by getting sober, and only then would he be able to love others in a healthy way.
I don't think I could ever truly fully understand the mind of an addict. How they can cause so much damage, throw so much away, throw away their former wonderful selves....and seem so utterly oblivious to it, to the damage they've caused, to the path they are on... I suppose it's the same the other way around...they could never fully understand us, the way other Alanon members do.
You're in my thoughts - you sound like a very strong person, believe in yourself, know you're worth it, don't second guess yourself and live in your own head for too long....
(((HUGS)))
Danielle
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Sunday 23rd of January 2011 01:31:28 AM
It's hard. What helped for me was to make a list of the things he had done that were painful or unbearable, and take it out and look at it a lot. In grieving the loss of the good things, I tended to get nostalgic. The list helped me keep perspective and also be a little bit angry. I think anger can sometimes be a healthy response -- "Hey, that behavior was unacceptable! How could he do that!" It helps us keep our distance and so protects us. I don't mean being overwhelmed with anger, but recognizing that some of the behavior just was unhealthy for us. In one sense, he wasn't "responsible" because he's an alcoholic; but that doesn't mean the behavior was any less painful to live through. And also he's an untreated alcoholic, and I believe we can hold them responsible for that -- they are still making the bad choices. Anyway, a little righteous anger, not too much, has definitely helped me move on. I say to myself, "I deserve a good life! I don't deserve any of that stuff!" That helps keep the sadness balanced. Hope that helps -- take what you like and leave the rest. Hugs.
Jettiesgirl said "But that guy hasn't been around for awhile, so why am I grieving his loss now? Just wanting to know others' experiences in finally and completely letting go and moving on. Did you allow yourselves to grieve a bit? Did it get better over time? Does it ever hurt less?"
Hi Jettiesgirl,
I grieved too, it felt like my exah was gone. Like you until I was ready to let go completely I did not experience the full feelings of grieve of that loss. Various sources helped me to understand that I did have reasons to grieve not only his loss but the loss of a vision of what my future would be along with my home, some belongings etc I gave myself time to grieve actually even learned a bit about the idea of the steps of the grieving process. I think it is a pretty natural process to go through. I do feel much better, and all the memories and emotions from that time hurt much less. Every day the wounds felt like they were healing. At this point I can describe it as a bit of scar tissue that itches sometimes with a dull ache when the weather is really really bad. Keep working your program and do follow your instincts with the classes and finding joy. All those actions are taking the best care of you that you can
You are very inspiring and courageous. While it may seem that a door is closing, you are really just opening up another one and soon the light is going to shine in very brightly.
Ya know ( jettie ) I don't have the experience of having a partner that is an A but my son is. And when you talked about grieving I think you hit the nail right on the head. As a mother I grieved the loss of the kind, loving, humorous, athlectic, smart young man I raised when I finally had to admit he was an addict and his disease had taken that from him and us as parents. It was horrible but I had to grieve in order to move on myself. I had to accept him for what he was (an addict). I could love my son unconditionally and hate the disease and stop enabling the disease. Today after a long jail/rehab stint, he is 15 months clean, has a job and i slowly see my son coming back. But I put no expectaions on him for the minute i do that I know i will get knocked down. But I keep hope alive and well. Live just one day, one hour at a time. And each night he returns home sober than it has been a good day. I know it is a daily struggle for him and nothing I can do or say to make it better. It's a battle he needs to fight himself. My job is to get me healthy. You have shown great courage Wishing you the best Blessings
Thanks again, guys. Yes, I think a little anger is good for me. I found some today! Just thinking about some of the really crappy things he has done to me, especially these past couple of years. The lies, the total disregard for my feelings, the way he blames everyone else (and now especially ME) for what his life has become. I also noticed that, when he came by a week ago to get some of his stuff, he managed to take half my bottle of klonipin (anti-anxiety meds that I just recently got refilled to help deal with his crap) and didn't even ask or tell me he was taking them. It's not the pills or the money, just the fact that he felt entitled to take them without even a mention. This person is so not the man I used to know, and my anger toward him is definitely helping me stop reminiscing about the "good old days" today. I can only hope it gets better, if I can hang onto some of this anger, and keep focusing on my future.
You guys are a godsend. Every time I'm feeling down, confused, or guilty, you all really help to give me perspective and loving support. Thank you so very much.
