The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I after years (possibly as far back as 10 years ago, for sure 8) of knowing of a drinking problem my wife had, finally after threating separation or divorce for the past 3 years took the step this past Sept 2010. I was unfamiliar with Al Anon, no direction put was frustrated at seeing her abuse herself with prescription pills and alcohol. My first realization was of me being an enabler, not sure how but after 32 years married I had to be part of the cause and problem and did realize it in my heart, and the only way I knew was to finally go through the idle threats of the past, she said are you for real, was this all a sham........ I replied it's because I love you and I can no longer be a part of you killing yourself, ok and she hung up
we've talked since and that anxiety always builds up in me, the loneliness as all my kids are grown and out of the house, I work from my house so no physcial contact with anyone for days and at times weeks and decisions I make are mostly from my own thoughts whether right or wrong from lack of anyone to bounce ideas off of but I have always been civil, but emotions can be heard in my voice and my yearning of wanting things to be as they were many years back, but realize they never will be So back to the subject, did I jump the gun, should I have stayed with her and worked the al anon program, or is this just working the steps out of place and this is now a boundary I've set
Aloha Dan...you did the best you could with what you had and have the option (I suggest) of Al-Anon. It saved my life. We don't judge a thing as right or wrong just that it is or was and then accept it. Then we go on to changing the things that we can therefore the suggestion of Al-Anon. Things change with change and perfection isn't a sought after goal in recovery.
You already know alot; seems like you've been over the landscape very well taking inventory of what she did and what you did after what she did and maybe you did it for the right reasons and then maybe you don't know and you need help and support....Therefore you are here looking for it...feedback, verification, support.
I hope the other guys step up to this also...there are more than a handful of guys at MIP who have strong Experience, Strength and Hope.
My suggestion...look for the hot line number for Al-Anon in your area. I can tell you that you will find a literal ton of Al-Anon meetings in SoCal. I got into recovery in CenCal and there was a combinationn of 439 meetings a month there. SoCal was the tap root of the program of Al-Anon in California as a lot of old timers came from there. I learned from them and talked with them as a newbie and listened to their own stories which were often worse than my own. Trust this suggestion and get out of the confines of your home/office and into the meeting rooms with as many meetings as you can in 90 days as you can and keep reporting back here cause yours will keep us in recovery also.
I hope you come across some of the foundation rocks of my own recovery down there...men and women who loved me unconditionally and always were instruments of HP.
Aloha Jenny, yes I found one up the road, Mondays 7PM, I only found Al Anon 4 days ago so a lot is new and I'm learning some coping skills and looking back in reflection of what has transpired.
and a big thanks to all involved that are here and have been here, I felt I was the only one that had experienced any of my feelings or emotions only to find others have gone through the suffering and have made it through, and not all that I've read are smooth, there are many bumpy rides but at least I now have a place to turn too
I agree that there's a lot of understanding in the rooms of Al-Anon, and I think you will find that it helps you live life with a lot more serenity.
Eight or ten years of living with an alcoholic is very hard. Don't sell yourself short -- you must have had a lot of patience and I know it can't have been easy.
It sounds as if some things about your life aren't optimum, with or without your wife there. Working alone and being isolated would be hard for anyone. They find that even people who say they're introverted or shy feel happier with other people in their lives. Other people help us get outside ourselves and "reset" our emotions. We were meant to live in communities -- we're made that way. Often the way things are set up in modern life makes that hard. And men often get their social lives from their wives -- either the wives arrange it all, or sometimes the wives are all the social life the man has. Modern life also hasn't provided a lot of easy ways for men to meet up, unlike the olden days, where men would go to the town square, the farmer's cafe, the Rotary club, the Elks, the pub, or whatever. Nowdays most people have to make their own social life, and it's not as simple.
But Al-Anon can offer you a lot of people who understand and accept you. And going through the steps will help you look at your own life and ways to make it better. That will clarify all the questions you're having.
We can own our own part in the situation - that is okay and responsible of you to be accountable to and for you. We did not however cause the disease. You cannot own her behavior, she will have to face that herself one day or not.
As for ur ? - I cannot answer that, alanon is about us and us discovering who we are. No one can tell you what is best and healthy for you. There are no guarantees in life either. You must face the fact that the only one you can control or change ~ is YOU, not them.
We are as addicted to the other people and the chaos and the "control fallacy" we all go through. The manipualtive dynamic is what is sick - we cannot make our behavior contingent upon them, that is holding each other hostage and the disease does that and we do it until we can seperate the disease from the person and ourselves.
It is not easy to be in recovery when your partner is not. Alll of that manipualtive dynamic and the pay backs we do to each other - ya u were ok so now I owe you- kind of stuff/beavhior we do - it is vampirism.
See I used to think that my family owed me and my ex - and that I was entitled to tell them all about what I thought of thier personal choices and lives - the fact was I had no boundaries and no resepct for me or them and that was why I was telling them everything - using them as a way to ignore my own personal needs and life and choices. Love is not approval, we dont need to approve of each other's choices, love is about acceptance, loving, support, kindness and forgiveness. Let it begin with you and forigve you for what you regret. Let that go to god/HP and get into the present moment and what can you do to allow you to feel better today or right now? and do that thing and keep asking yourself that question, what is going to allow u to feel better about your situation or yourself. Take actions that allow u to feel some resepct and making boundary decisions get easier after that. Define what your true needs are versus your wants and fantasies and that too makes following the consequence of a boundary much easier. This is YOUr life after all, what are u showing to HP?
When I sat with that ? I could see that I was tossing my life aside for others who did not love themselves or choose themsleves first, they were slaves to this disease, so I do not have to be a part of that anymore. I now know that when I focus on them, I lose me and feed the disease. Either way, working the program for YOU is the beginning of getting your life back from this disease.
The A needs you a lot more then you need them. They need you to enable them and they will suck you dry as long as you continue to hand everything over to them. I had to do a lot of prayer and handing them over to their Hp's. Personal power is just that - an inside job, I have to be willing to believe the negative junk they say about me and I dont have to anymore bc I know it is not true. It is my choice to belive them and be taken hostage or not. I have choices. I know I am not pouring the drugs down their face. Yes we can trigger each other but again, we get to learn to detach and morph our triggers into zippers or velcor or teflon and we dont ahve to take the bait to be manipualted or to become emotional and give them an excuse to use again. They do use us to avoid themselves just like we do to them - then when they are good and enalbed, they can go use and not look back or think twice.
It is not bc of you that she chooses this, it is her own personal issue within - her choice to give into her compuslion or not. Our lives are a consequence of our actions, it is not a personal affront. If we take it that way, then it is our perception that needs the adjustment and working program will give that to you and much more.
Start by focusing on you and accepting that her choices are hers and that u are powereless to change or control anyone but YOU. TC and welcome!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I can relate to your questions. Like you I have been effected by my wife's drinking. We all do the best we can with what we have at the time. Did you jump the gun? Only you can answer that question. You did what you felt was best for you. Boundaries or for you to protect you. They can be put in place and taken down at our choosing.
What I would suggest to you is what I choose to do. Start attending Al-Anon meetings in your area. You will find the answers you need and are looking for from other members who have walked in your shoes.
You will not be judged, but will be accepted, and understood by members who want only the best for you. More important....You won't be alone anymore.
I'm glad you found us, keep coming back and posting, read prior post on the site, and start your recovery. You deserve it.
There is an awesome old saying: "it is okay to look at your past, just don't stare"
In my humble opinion, you haven't closed any doors..... You ARE working your program of recovery now, and so your choices are still potentially wide open.... Not sure whether or not she is still drinking, or in a program of recovery herself, but no matter what - YOU are in a better head space now to deal with whatever life brings you....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
thank you all, and yes I do plan on going to local meets soon.
I guess the question of did I jump the gun, was the separation and divorce that I initiated because I was fed up of the lies and deception that were directly attributable to the alcohol without knowing the three C's.
maybe I'm looking for valdiation which should be one of the last things I need because I see that as just an ego trip for anyone needing it.
I take your experiences and learn from each response thanks
When we know better we do better and I agree you did the best you could at the time . I hope that you are now attending meetings for yourself ,just because you are separated dosent mean u cant learn from our program your life has been affected by someone elses drinking and you too need to recover. You say your alone often for days with out leaving the house , isolation is not good for anyone , you need support make new friends and get your life back on track .. an oldtimmer told me something I never forgot * Alone in my own head there is no adult supervision * my head can take me places I never planned on going and none of them positive , I need people and this program to show me how to live my life to the fullest .. good luck Louise
Of course none of us can know what's right in anyone else's situation. But I'll just say from my observations that I've seen a lot of relationships between alcoholics and non-alcoholics, and I haven't seen anyone who left too early. I've seen a lot of people who left too late. (By that I mean that once they get some recovery under their belt, they concluded that they hung on with unrealistic expectations longer than was good for either party.) Some people left at a time that seemed pretty good. I'm sure of those who have left, there are a few who have concluded that it was too soon. Just that they're a small enough proportion that I haven't observed any. So statistically speaking, the odds are against it in your case.
If you might be wondering, "Did I leave while there was a chance she'd get sober? Maybe if I hadn't left at all, now I'd learn how to get her to stop." Remember Al-Anon's 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. You couldn't have stayed and made her stop drinking, because only she can decide to stop. I know we all have a secret wish, "Maybe if I found that one right way, I could have convinced them to stop!" Unfortunately, we have no control. If you had stayed, the odds are enormous that she'd still be doing what alcoholics do: they drink. It would have provided the same challenges it provided for eight years. But you can work on your recovery and feel much better, inside or outside the relationship. Your own recovery isn't dependent on her. That's very good news! We can take care of ourselves when we have the tools. Do stick around and join the community of people putting that into action. It's hard but it's life-changing.
-- Edited by Mattie on Saturday 22nd of January 2011 06:44:04 AM
First it has been a pleasure getting to know you in the meetings and chat room In answer to your orignal question I think jerry once again nailed it You made the best decision you could with the information you had But you haven't really closed any doors yet if i remember right, haven't filed for divorce or made anything permanent. Being separated while you work the program in the beginning maybe the best thing for you. That way you are totally focusing on yourself and your program and getting into some healthy thinking and healthier coping skills My A is my son and I worked my program as hard as i could while he was living at home but he was always a discration, kind of making me doubt what I was learning or doing really was the best thing for all involved. Then he went to jail...and i had peace, no worrying, no staying up for nights on end, no fights etc And while he was gone I totally through myself into the program, made good strides and was somewhat better prepared for his return home. He has been home a month and he is clean and sober..he works his program, i work mine.... so far so good I guess my point here is i am not so sure if i would have progressed as far as i have been able to if he had been here the whole time. So for me being spearated from my son was a good thing. Also we had told him coming home was not an option... but in our state no landlord will rent to a felon so we bent our boundaries a little and allowed him to come home under the conditions that he is clean and sober, working, doing his outpateient treatment etc. So all things are subject to change...nothing is written in stone Hope any of that helped you at all Blessings
Mattie your response gave me shivers "But I'll just say from my observations that I've seen a lot of relationships between alcoholics and non-alcoholics, and I haven't seen anyone who left too early. I've seen a lot of people who left too late."
I have been wondering what to do with my AH and if the time is right to leave... Likely that the time has been right for many years.
Thanks RLC, short message but a strong one, yes I have found some f2f meetings and have started to attend, I have found an inner peace, and I won't say a permanent one because it's still a roller coaster if emotional feelings but I see a road to peace
