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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Is there a difference in LIQUIDS???
Post Info TOPIC: Is there a difference in LIQUIDS???
KimmyJo


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Is there a difference in LIQUIDS???
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AH is coming home within a week from a 28 day intensive rehab.

Honestly, Im nervous, and dont know if all of my mixed up emotions can handle
his arrival..The mental issues or so called A behaviors are the ones that will throw
me under the bus faster than anything... I have already heard them on the phone
when he calls...For example: If I missed his 6 calls in a row I hear "Whats up, do
you have someone else"....or continously, calling me "Honey"
I have told him straight up..."We will be room mates when you come home, I will not play the part of "wife" anymore. I can support you as a friend, but not as a wife anymore. Time will tell, there is alot of healing that needs to be done and both of us have alot of recovery ahead of us"...Of course, he gives me the big sad eyes...


I asked his therapists, if this is normal, and he seems like he still doesnt understand
the damage that he has done to me or the kids...

Her reply: Remember, your AH has drank HARD (Whiskey) for many years.
(Aprox a 5th of whiskey or vodka for the past 7 months ,everyday) and before that a 5th every 2 to 3 days, for 30 years.... It may take awhile, and some never really get better, things tend to get like soft like a sponge....He has alot of work ahead of him.

My question: What was she really trying to tell me??? Is there a difference of recovery between a beer drinker or whiskey drinker?? (Wish I would of asked her that question) * Her statement & his phone call, has left me feeling quite anxious about his return.....Normal or not??


Wondering how far this little swan can swim...

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Kimmy Jo
ythannah


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As far as I'm aware, alcohol is alcohol is alcohol.  No difference when it comes to recovery.

I'd suspect that the therapist was saying that his drinking has been so entrenched for so many years that it will take a while to see positive changes??  (just a guess)

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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Bettina


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Kimmy,

I can only speak for my own experiences after living many years with the XA.

Alcohol is alcohol, it may take them longer to get to the state of being really drunk with beer, but it can be acheived. I witnessed my sister in law's drunkeness for many years and she drank only wine. When he drank Vodka a couple of pints a day , he was Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde. Its a matter of , what is your choice of poison.

Whats important is you and putting the focus on your recovery.

Sounds like you have a boundary in place already and your on your way.

Keep coming back , this philosophy of Alanon works, if you work it.

Best to you, Luv Bettina

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Bettina
Mattie


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"Drinking hard" doesn't have to mean hard liquor; it just means he was deep in his drinking for a long, long time.  They say that alcoholics remain the age they were when they started drinking.  So if he started at 16, he only has the life experience and coping skills of a 16-year-old.  And the teenage years are pretty tumultuous generally.  So it's as if you would have a teenager in your home, one who's just come out of suspended animation, except that he's actually developed some more skills of being surly and deceptive along the way.  All that has to be undone and he has to learn new ways of coping.  It's not easy.

After they finally get sober (assuming they do), we expect some compensation and appreciation for everything we've gone through.  It seems that typically they don't understand what that was like -- they thought their drinking was invisible and that we're just grouches.  It takes an extra layer of recovery for them to begin to see it.  That's why it's just as important for us to concentrate on our own recovery when they're sobering up as when they're still drinking.

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Jerry F


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The membership has already done the feedback on the liquids; alcohol is alcohol.
Keep it simple.
"Hard drinking" also he's been at it for a while and it has been his fixation/addiction
nothing else has measured up.

Enough of him...Please look up the hot line number for Al-Anon in your area and
come join us in the face to face meeting there where you can sit and listen and
talk (if you like) about where you are at and what this disease has done to you and
the family.   You have been affected like he has only worse because you have not had
the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality.

He is alcohol free and now reality and fear presents itself in contrasted clarity. He does
not have the anesthesia of alcohol himself.  Tough time for him very tough...hope he
enters the AA fellowship and learns to trust sober drunks who will attempt to help him
get and stay sober. 

There's hope...just follow the suggestions of those who have been where you are at
now, learned what happened and how they learned to react to it and what will work
now better.

Keep coming back here also.   (((((hugs))))) smile

really none of my business and I wonder if the therapist attends Al-Anon also.  hmmm

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sunflowergirl


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Taking the time to work a program for you in alanon is what can help you, as Jerry said here. Its time to take care of you :)

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kitty


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I would say maybe so with the liquors compared to beer or wine drinkers - there is after all more alcohol in hard liquor then beer and wine.  Either way an alcoholic is an alcoholic, an addict can substiute anyting to be "addicted to". 

Yes it is natural for you to feel uneasy, this is after all - all new behavior and anyting new is a little scary.  Also if you have grown up in this disease, or he has, u have behaviors that are stemming from earliest childhood. 

I would say to work a solid program of your own.  The best way to help them is to learn all we can about the disease and enabling and learn to focus on YOUr life and take it back from this disease.

We can only handle the present moment, the future does not exist yet and right now is reality.  Practise focusing on you in the present moment and do not obsess or worry about how he is working his program,  all u can do is to the best for YOU.  Give him the dignity and space to sort it oout within himself and you take this time to do the same thing - knowing that when you both wish to share, you will freely.  We dont need to question and remind each other of what we want to do and that takes us away from focusing on us which is the healthiest thing we can do.  It is about self preservation.  Welcome, hope u stay for the miracle!

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Aloha


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The fact of the matter is... no matter what your AH had been doing... drinking or drugging, you just don't have any control over him. You cannot magically infuse yourself into his body and control how he should feel about something or think or react or behave.

Step one - we are powerless over alcohol.

I've learned my life starts to become unmanageable (the second part of Step one) when I start fretting over how I'm going to behave around the alcoholic.

Don't worry so much about all the "what if's". I had a realization one time that every second I spend worrying about the alcoholic is a second robbed from my life and my ability to experience enjoyment.

If you haven't been to any face-to-face Al-Anon meetings yet, I'd encourage you to go. If you have any Al-Anon literature on hand, I'd also encourage you to sit for a moment and identify what you're feeling... is it fear? Anxiety? Look in the index in the back of your Al-Anon literature and find that feeling you're experiencing and read the pages referenced. It can really help.

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Debilyn


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Everyone is right. YOU are the important one.

However I will answer too. I am thinking we have to remember the A has hurt their bodies. The alcohol or whatever causes damage! It can take a long time or never for the body to repair itself.

The liver can only process so much before it starts to break down. This causes lesions that when they heal the scar tissue does not do the work of the liver.

The brain gets damaged also. There are studies that it causes parts of the brain to shrink.

Its horribly damaging. A's are more prone to many diseases including cancer.

We are always growing and learning. When one uses drugs of any kind, including alcohol, abuses it, they do not grow. Their mentality is stunted, their maturity is that of when they started using.

When we don't have to go through all the things we do to learn, we stay stagnent.

We, in Al Anon learn to take care of ourselves and allow the A to take care of him.

Hon his disease tore you up, he didn't. Its a hard concept. But if you go to meetings, read literature, come here, get a sponsor, in time with work you will have all your answers I promise.

Hope this helps. love,debilyn

-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 21st of January 2011 09:10:33 PM

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freeagain


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It is a progressive disease. And once it progresses to a certain point, they may never fully recover. Alcohol damages the brain. The amount of alcohol plus the level of disease will work together to do damage.

The first year or two of sobriety is HELL for those of us who love an A. Not that it isn't for them as well, but WE have no control over any of their warped ideas. We can't love them into sobriety.

Just stopping drinking does not equal sobriety. Nor does going to meetings or having a sponsor or working the steps. All of those things PLUS time and real, true amends are what equal true sobriety. And not just for the A....for us to. We have to find our OWN emotional sobriety. We have to break OUR addiction to the A. We have to work hard so as not to slip. We have to go along with, support and embrace a major life change too.

So, first and formost take care of YOU.

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abbyal


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I dont believe thier is a difference in what they drink my husb became a cronic alcoholic drinking beer only soooooooooooooo.  Yur husband is in what I lovingly call  Stark Raving Sober mode  , he is full of insecurities and fear and there is nothing you can do about that either ..  he is for the first time in along time living sober and its a pretty scarry place to be . Patience is going to be needed by both of you . I assume you are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself you need support  and he wil probably never understand how his drinking affected you just like you will never truly understand his compulsion to drink . Al-Anons understand .

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pinkchip


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I think she was referring to just how much he drank and not what type of alcohol. I believe the point was that you can expect him to be a little slow on the uptake. The big book advises to just be cordial in the relationship anyhow and let the chips fall where they may.

Question Kimmy, have you read "To the wives" in the big book? It might help. Just a thought.


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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Is there a difference in LIQUIDS???