The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think my husband is an alcoholic but he does not. He knows he has a problem drinking but believes he can control it. I believe he needs help and to abstain from alcohol. But, I also want to believe in him and feel like if I don't give him a chance to prove himself to me then I'm somehow letting him down and giving up on our relationship. How can we be together when I want him to stop drinking and he does not want to give it up? Every time he has a drink I go into a panic. We can't go out together because he wants me to be okay with him having a glass of wine or two and I feel like giving him "permission" to do that only allows him to be an alcoholic. I don't know what to do anymore.
Everything you say reminds me of all the things that I have gone thru and thought.
You have come to the right place for support and help. Alanon is for you, not your husband. It is important that he be the one to admit whether he has a problem or if he is alcoholic, that is his to determine, even though you may think he is. If its affecting you then there is a problem for you.
You cannot give your permission to allow your husband to be an alcoholic. We dont have that much power over it.
You said, "I dont know what to do anymore", as I said you are in the right place. It will help you to read the board, as wives, girlfriends and family members express their concern over someone they love's drinking problem. You can also read the experiences of the women and men who have walked in your shoes who want to share with you the solutions to this devastating disease, because thats what it is.
Keep coming back and read the answers to your post, you will get the support you need and the help.
Aloha Liz...In Al-Anon they told me that the only qualification for membership was a problem with someone elses drinking. I was qualified and it sound like you may be also from what you said and we are a part of millions of others with the same problem.
The only suggestion I have is the one given to me that I followed up on and still do. Find the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your telephone book call it and find the meeting places and times where you can sit with us and come to understand what it is that your dealing with. Chances are that you see your husbands problem clearly while he has to deny it. To admit it would take him to a much higher level of responsibility which is not comfortable for him to even think about at this time. However we have intro information for you. Part of it is the 3 Cs...You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you will never cure it. Alcoholism is not cureable it can only be arrested by total abstinence. That is for him to do and he isn't ready yet. Another thing you might relate to is the first of our 12 steps. We are a 12 step 12 tradition program...worldwide and very effective. The first step says "We admitted we were powerless over alcoholism and that our lives had become unmanagable." Reading your post I get that you just said that. So go get the phone number to the Face to Face meetings in your area and come sit with us as we support our selves and others find peace of mind and serenity whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Glad you found MIP...Keep coming back here cause miracles start here also.
Oh I so can relate. It was a long time of me thinking...then knowing my husband had first "trouble drinking"...then...ok, yep, he's an alcoholic. (The disease is progressive). With my AH (Alcoholic Husband), it started off with getting way too drunk every month or few months at some event (this lasted about 4 years), then graduated to passing out at these events, then every weekend which lasted for 6 months or so, then every weekend and a few week days, then every single day. He is in rehab now.
You are in the right place. If his drinking bothers you, that's good enough - doesn't matter if he admits he has a problem. You will find so much support and understanding here, I know I did!
I can certainly relate to "I don't know what to do anymore". Pat yourself on the back, you just took a great first step and reached out and came here:)
As for the giving him permission thing. I've been there. Before my AH admitted he was an alcoholic, he would ask "is this ok" "can I have a beer, drink, shot, wine ect...". When he asked this at home I felt like his mother, when he asked when we were out some place (wedding, bday party ect) I felt put on the spot and knew I couldn't 'win' either way. . . Because, if I said "I don't care or sure" then he'd proceed to get smashed and make a fool of himself and get rude and belligerent, but if I said: "no you shouldn't have that drink" then he's spend the night sulking like a baby. Eventually, I learn't to say "What to you think? It's your decision to make". And I would leave it at that.
The best thing you can do right now, is focus on yourself... Please keep coming back and doing what's right for YOU.
:)
Danielle
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Friday 21st of January 2011 12:45:41 AM
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Friday 21st of January 2011 12:46:04 AM
You dont have to give your permission he will do it anyway , please try al anon meetings for yourself u need some support , his drinking has nothing to do with you it affects you I know but there is no way that we can control another person so lecturing dosent work , threats dont work , tears dont work an dyour cannot comunicate with a bottle so do yourself a favor get the focus back on yourself . it is possible to live with someone who drinks Al=Anon will show you how to do that . try this program for a few months before making any life altering decissions .. you owe it to yourself and your marriage to try something different what your doing is not working .. Louise
