The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a recovering alcoholic (almost two years sober, absolutely zero slips not even a sip) and am married to an alcoholic.
I am sure for those never having been an alcoholic personally, that living with one can be extremely difficult/impossible. Trust me, its alot worse (?) when you are a recovering alcoholic and your spouse is in denial,hides booze, lies and the rest you all know.
My wife is an incredible woman whom I love/loved dearly. But I don't think I can tolerate any longer seeing an incredibly bright woman turn herself into an incoherent vegetable every night. (Well, if not an incoherent vegetable at least taking a significant IQ and dividing it in half.) At 61, divorce would be extremely uncomfortable on every level, including financially. It would be a life changer in so many ways...I have been wrestling with this decision for awhile and now I feel I have to make a decision
If I can help anyone understand an alcoholic's mindset, I'm right there ready to help.
If anyone can help me by providing advice, or just listening, it would be appreciated.
Welcome, Bill. Congratulations on your nearly two years!
There are lots of folks in Al-Anon who are 'double winners'...members of both AA and Al-Anon. It sounds like going to some Al-Anon meetings could help you.
You'll find plenty of people here who will be glad to listen. I'm new here too, but I've already found it to be a wonderful place.
Thoughtful post Billr...you are not alone. For now instead of being a giver...pitch in and be a taker. You sound like me when I first got here...into Al-Anon. I revisited old spirits readying your post. So let me suggest that you turn off your thinker and continue to not drink. Stay on your program regimen in 24 hour periods of time and find Al-Anon Family Group face to face meetings in your area. You might already know where some are as often they meet at the same time and in the same place as your AA meetings. If they don't go to the white pages of your telephone book and look up the hotline number for AL-ANON and call for the information. It is important that you don't procrastinate because the longer you don't come the more time you're left with your insane thoughts and feelings...not good at all. See if you can put together a 90-90 string of meetings and go mostly to listen. By the way our AA story in an Al-Anon room isn't a blessing sent from HP. It is a unsought for philosophy. Get rid of the word divorce from your thinking and planning language and replace all such thoughts, feelings and actions with the first to third steps. We have another "D" word that comes before divorce in the dictionary...D E T A C H and it is well practiced in those three steps.
Follow thru on the invitation to "Keep coming back", go to the literature table and get as much literature on the subject of alcoholism which you won't find in AA and read it all. There are lots of similarities twix AA and Al-Anon and a different focus. Adding this program to your current two year practice of AA adds a serenity to your sobriety.
From my experience...a greatful member of the worldwide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups who wishes to never drink again. Shortly a "double".
In support and service Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
I only attended 3 AA meetings and that was at the VERY beginning of my sobriety. While these few meetings had a significant beneficial impact on me, there were parts of the program that just weren't for me which is not to say I recognize the incredibly positive, remarkable effects it has had on the trajectories of millions of peoples lives.
I plan on going to a meeting as soon as I can ...
Part of the reason this is coming to a head right now is this:
My brother died on October 28 of last year. Perfect health for 63 years ...didn't feel well on October 10, went to the emergency room of a regional hospital, was admitted. I went to visit him on October 17th. We tried to get him transferred to the Shands or Mayo. My wife does not do well when I'm away, i.e., drinking increases. I worry about her... On the night of the 25th we were told he would be transferred. Thinking that he was going to be transferred to a hospital that had unmatched diagnostic capabilities, I decided to return home. I ALSO LEFT BECAUSE I WAS WORRIED ABOUT MY WIFE. If my wife was not an alcoholic, I would have never returned home. My brother was never transferred and he died two days later. I was not there. Yes, I can rationalize the decision to return home but deep down I cannot. Yup, I feel pretty horrible.
I have been tempted to tell my wife this in the hopes that this would have an impact.
But until an alcoholic recognizes their disease and wants to, AND IS COMMITTED to change, absolutely nothing will happen. So telling her would just be ratcheting up my involvement, w/o any benefit.
But the guilt of abandoning my brother when I did is something I will have to live with forever.
I'm sorry for the loss of your brother, Bill. (((hugs)))
And congratulations on achieving close to two years' sobriety.
I honestly doubt that telling your wife that you returned home from seeing your brother because of concern about her drinking would have any impact. My recovering ABF saw my mother in hospital four days before she died of cirrhosis and exactly one month after she died he had his worst relapse since I'd known him. Alcoholism is such an incredibly selfish disease.
You say that you can't tolerate seeing what your wife becomes every night when she drinks, and you think you have to make a decision. In Al-Anon, we urge members to work the program and wait six months before making any major decisions about the alcoholic. Al-Anon will give you tools to make living with an alcoholic easier, and it may change your outlook on the situation at hand.
I can certainly relate to your sense of dismay. I too was horrified at seeing my intellectually gifted ABF reduce himself to a barely-coherent, inarticulate man when drunk. But we can learn to detach, and find serenity in spite of the drinking.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Congrats on 2 years sober! So sorry about the loss of your brother. ((hugs))
I am impressed that you were able to refrain from telling your wife why you came home. Early on in Alanon when I felt full on insane and panic ridden every second of my waking life, I know I would have blown up like a crazy person (I still do sometimes, although now it's a slip as opposed to several times daily).
Does your wife know you are a recovering alcoholic? (I'm just curious).
Try to keep the focus on yourself (seems you already have much awareness around the fact that you have no power to control your wife's drinking). Yah, as others have said, Alanon recommends 6 months before making any major decisions.
I know how hard it is to helplessly watch as someone you love turns into someone you hate. To watch the transformation, of what was once a wonderful, thoughtful, compassionate, loving and caring person, into an insane, delusion, incoherent, nonsensical, belligerent mess. It is so sad and impossibly heartbreaking... but, you can learn tools to help you cope and restore your well-being.
I hope you can find time in your week to attend an Al-Anon meeting before you make any life altering decissions * divorce* perhaps out of respect for her struggle you can put off making a decission for a few months , after all she stayed thru your bout with alcoholism. Sobriety is not the answer to all of lifes problems ,this program will help both of you . Louise
The ex A who I was involved with for 7 years got really wierd when my mother died. A phone call literally came in the middle of the night out of nowhere. He viewed it all as a annoyance.
I was so overwhelmed that I did not pay that much attention to the fact he was completely unavailable.
I live and work around alcoholics currently. No matter what the relationship I think its very hard. Al anon tools help immensely but its still not easy and not something I want to do any more at all. If I had a choice about it I would not be in this situation but I don't have a choice so I use al anon pretty aggressively to manage my life.
I would highly recommend getting hold of a copy of Getting them sober which is actually offered by one of our generous members at the top of the page.
Bill R.... I am new to alanon, been here since July 28, 2010. I am an adult child of dysfunction and a codependent because of it. I have tried to control other people with questioning and manipulations. Manipulating is what you are saying you want to do, telling her "if you weren't drunk I would have been with my brother". It makes for a guilt trip and its not right. I am a very passive agressive person. I am the guilt trip queen. I even tried to place a boundary on my boyfriend that I would kick him out if he drank, in the hopes that he actually wouldn't drink. Little did I know that I couldn't hold that boundary because I was setting it to CONTROL him. We cannot control anyone else, only ourselves. I have learned so much about myself in this program and I am working the steps with a sponsor. She helps set my crazy thinking straight every day. I have never been more open and honest with another human being. You say you didn't like AA and left, alanon is a different approach to the same disease that we all have. We don't want to look at our own pain so we STARE at someone else and WATCH them screw up, when we are just as sick if not sicker. How twisted is it for me to try to figure out how drunk my bf is when he has drank? HOw much did you drink? when? how? why? etc. Its crazy making. Take care of you, thats what alanon is for...
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
