The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my AH admitted he had a drinking problem (about 2 weeks ago) after one of his episodes. Then Tuesday night I came home and asked if he had been drinking, he admitted it, I left it at that and said nothing more about it and tried not to show that I was upset or disappointed. So lastnight I tried to calmly talk with him to let him know I was going to start going to Al-Anon meetings and that my 1st one will be this Saturday. He asked me what Al-Anon was. When I told him he asked why I was going to do that. I explained that I don't know how to handle this, that I had been reading up on alcoholism and that I now know he has to want to get better in order to get better and that I can't make him want to do it. That I don't know how much more of this that I can handle. (I didn't get to finish saying that I was going to go to Al-Anon to learn to make myself happy and better deal with life). He got extremely defensive. Said that he thought he was doing pretty good and that obviously he wasn't and that it doesn't make any difference. I told him I wasn't trying to start and argument and that I wasn't saying he wasn't trying or that he wasn't doing good. He ended up saying I'm done...I'm done with this conversation and he walked away. Wow, That is not at all how I envisioned the conversation going.. in hind sight I probably should have left it at I am going to start going to Al-Anon meeting, just thought you should know. I honestly wasn't trying to make him feel bad or that what efforts he has made to not drink aren't enough or aren't working. We ended up going our seperate ways and pretty much not talking much after that. He did apologize later saying sorry IF he overreacted. I said I was sorry if I made him feel like he wasn't trying hard enough or that he wasn't doing good. We went to bed and woke up this morning still upset with each other. I did send him a text saying that I was sorry I never wanted it to turn into an argument or to make him feel like he wasn't doing good. He texted me back saying he was sorry too...that he thinks he took it out of content and that it sucks trying so hard and then nothing about him changed. It's just soooo frustrating, I ended up crying all the way to work. I am calm now.
I remember it so well. Thank you for posting because it fills my heart with gratitude for al-anon!
If you can, take a step back to get it all into perspective... you may be able to see that it will take some time, the dust is still settling. Look at it this way, the old life has come crashing down... our old ideas didn't work... Our egos are naturally going to rebel.... because it's being smashed! This is why your husband got defensive, I believe.
The new life will take time in recovery to re-build. But it will happen! A good, strong and firm foundation is being built in its place, built on the reliability and the will of a Higher Power.
We didn't get this way overnight, it's going to take time, one day at a time. Be patient and gentle with each other. I am sooo happy you will begin f2f meetings.... because it gets better. I look forward to your future posts. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 20th of January 2011 10:31:50 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I'm sorry you are struggling with this right now, but by going you are doing the right thing even if he doesn't agree. When I first told my dh that I was going to counseling he, of course, asked why. I told him that I was having difficulty with us. That I needed to talk some things through because I knew he wasn't going to be the one who would change. I told him I wanted to learn tools so that I can better respond (or not respond) to him and to his emotions, actions, etc. He respected my answer because he knows he's difficult to get along with and didn't bug me about it. If I were to tell him I was going to Al Anon, I would put it the same way: I'm trying to learn tools to help me keep my sanity and to help me still be a good wife and partner to him, despite the difficulties we were having, etc. I'd make sure he knew that I was going for ME, not for him.
ilovedogs, I truely meant to say that I wanted to go to help me deal with life and to help me find a way to be happy, but it spiralled out of control before I had a chance to say that. In looking back when he asked me why I am going to Al-Anon that is what I should have said, I should never have mentioned any of the other stuff. Hind sight is 20-20 they say. The sad part for me is I was dreading even bringing the subject up, so I thought it through all day and had carefully planned what I would say. Then the time came, his attitude threw me off, and it just didn't come out the way I had planned, the conversation got turned onto him when I wanted it to be about me.
in hind sight I probably should have left it at I am going to start going to Al-Anon meeting, just thought you should know
You hit the nail on the head with this statement above.... One of my favourite sayings in Al-Anon is:
I did the best I could with what I knew at the time
His reaction is just that - "his".... Good for you in getting yourself to meetings.... Many active A's surmise that Al-Anon meetings are about "bashing the A" - the reality is that they are for us, and OUR need for recovery/awareness/coping skills....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think Tom said it all perfectly above There isnt anything wrong with telling your husband where you are going. Most A's have a similar reaction to alanon... thier belief is usually that it is just a big bit&h session about them, My son ( who is my A) couldnt have cared less that I started alanon....until I started changing then alanon was horrid and leading me the wrong way etc He then hated all 12 step groups and when he did his recovery work refused to do 12 step recovery. Personally i am not pleased with the recovery program he chose but it is not my recovery so i stay out of it. So now it's out in the open for you and your husband Enjoy your meeting Blessings
I know too well exactly what you're talking about. I've had those talks where things spiral out of control, too! Think of it this way: things will be better next time because of the lesson learned from this incident. Like I always tell my son: we don't stop learning when we turn 18, or when we finish college. We continue to learn and hopefully challenge ourselves as we go through life.
My husb told me that the only problem he had with me going to Al-Anon was that now there were two of us who knew he had a problem .. go to your meetings they are for you about you once your there its not about them at all .. of course the alcoholic thinks were there talking about them but thats thier problem . His drinking is causing YOU a problem is reason enough for you to attend meetings ... it only takes one person to create change and if you want change you have to be willing to step out and do it .. when the spouse starts a program often it encourages the alcoholic to follow suit ,no guarantees ..
Great move going to Al-anon. It will make tremendous difference I am sure.
I remember being in your shoes the first time I started Al-anon. I did the whole explanation and the fight was on.
I never quit my program, but did end up working more of an AA program doing a couple of big book studies. They were the same night as my home group so I wasn't going to that for eight months.
I started going backwards and figured it was time to focus on my own program again. I just said I wasn't going to the book study that night but would be going elsewhere as we had the sitter anyways. I went to my own meetings again and have stayed there. Things are much better now.
The second time there was no explanation. He can't argue what I don't explain.
I didn't have this situation when i started going to Alanon, but in reading, I can totally see the alcoholic pattern part of the conversation. In all my experience with alcoholics, things get so twisted around. There pretty much always had to be a black and white answer, and someone always had to be at fault in a situation. I was usually the one reacting that way ... when someone told me about any given thing, I would get defensive, assume they were accusing me of something, and turn the whole thing around to make it all about me. Everything was all about me - even when it wasn't.
That's part of the sickness of alcoholism. People take things that are not about them (like, you going to Alanon - it's about YOU, but he turned it around to be about HIM) and twist them all up to create conflict.
For me, the Alanon meetings helped untwist things on my end - and helped me learn not to let someone else twist things up in my mind after I'd gotten it straightened out.
It's frustrating. I know it was my mistake mentioning anything other than going to Al-Anon meetings for me to learn how to make myself happy and learn how to better deal with life. But once it was said all bets were off, my mistake. It was a lesson learned and I now know better. We have not talked once today, usually 1 of us will call the other just to see how their day is going, but not today. I sent the 1st text this mornign apologizing and he texted me back, but other than that we have not talked. I guess we will see how things go when we both get home from work.
After you have attended enough meetings maybe you will be like a lady in my home group whose husband early on gave her grief about attending meetings. After a year in the program her husband now encourages her to go, and tells her from time to time that she "needs a meeting". So It has gone full circle from don't go, to PLEASE GO !! Evidently he has seen the changes in her, and likes what he has seen.
Sounds as if he is not interested in her reverting back to her "old" ways of thinking.
Welcome! Good for you for seeking help with this insanity. When I landed, my life totally revolved around others and it had always been that way gorwing up in the dysfunction of emotionally unavailable people. Bc they grew up in what I did and far worse dusfunction and abuse, so I "should have been grateful" and that fed into my martyrism. That is a choice that I no longer make.
As I focus on others, I lose my self and it feeds the disease for all. As I focus on me and do what is heatlhy and nurturing to me ~ I honor myself, resepct me and love me by taking care of me (my feelings, attitudes, thoughts & behavior).
The best way to actually help an addict is to have a solid program and a life of your own. Yes we love each other ~ I have learned that me not giving my loved my personal opinion and agenda is very respectful of me. For one thing my loved ones do already know how I feel and think about the issues. And secondly love is not approval of each other. It is manipualtive for us to base our behavior on another or vice versa. The only person you can control or change is YOUrself. And allowing others to sort out their own lives and have the dignity and respect (space-time whatever it warranted) to do so. This made it much easier for me to accept and love and enjoy them without insisting they change. The motivation for change has to come from within, just peace and happiness do. Just like love, acceptance and forgiveness needs to be availalbe to me from inside of me and I can do that by surrendering and handing it over to the HP I refer to as god.
We cant control or change each other and when we try, we have lost us and we are wasting the precious time we have that we could be living, loving and forgiving. I was so mad at myself for being betrayed, for believing them when they said negative things to me about me - I can choose how I want to be as an adult now. You do have choices and learning to set boundaries and love me first and then others - respectfully so - I portray and exude that and today I stand up for me and dont compromise me anymore. Once I tried to love me first and it began to root and take within - then the rest of my whole entire world changed.
Alanon is all about YOU and recovery is self discovery!
One of the best things I learend to do was to share how I felt with other alanons. It is such a Blessing to be and feel understood.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
