Need Advice in Dealing With a Friend - Al-Anon Family Group

Cleo76 · Newbie

Need Advice in Dealing With a Friend

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cleo, welcome,

What do you think you should do, invite her back to your home for more disrespect?

You were kind to open up your home and give her a new start, but that behavior is unacceptable and frankly not your problem.

I dont think you have to ask her to leave, seems she is already gone.

If she does return and this was my friend, she would have to go. You have no power over her behavior.

Wishing you the best, Bettina

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow you are braver than I to invite an active alcoholic to live with me.
I know you feel you were doing a kind, loving thing as a friend and it would be seen as just that by anyone else but and active alcoholic/addict.
They take and take and take until you have no more to give and you are totally emeshed in her disease.
I think you are a good friend
Pack her things and have them waiting for for her when she shows up, and she will show up again the minute she needs a roof over her head.
Do not expect any money or appreciation from her..she can't give it to you, her disease doesn't allow for that.
Now you know what danger looks like... what she is capable of... she could bring people into your home that could be a danger to you, she could in a drunken stupor start a fire or many other things to put you in harms way.
So protect yourself, get out of harms way
When your friend hits her bottom, you can suggest she take herself to an AA meeting and seriously that is all you can do for her.
I am sorry she has had it so rough, i really am. I think many of us here could tell some of those same horror stories. Your friend is in pain and she drowns it out with drinking. She has a disease, one that only she can do anything about.
Pray for her and protect yourself
Blessings

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

There are lots of things you can do if you want to like get as much information about
the disease of alcoholism that you can and read it all...you and your spouse. Open
AA meetings is where you can get lots of experiences from the "horses mouth" so
to speak and open Al-Anon where you can get lots of experiences about how the
disease can tear a person, couple, family, town, city etc...up. This is a very ancient
disease and very cunning, powerful and baffling. It is your turn to be baffled so it
is in control of her and of you and your husband. Active alcoholism cannot be
handled with your best thinking cause best thinking isn't working is it. You invited
her into your home and the disease will respond as if it belongs to the alcoholic
once it finds a crack to wedge itself into and hold on.

Alcoholics are risk takers (from the psychological profile) and you are now a consequence
of that characteristic and so is her job and the restaurant and others. It is said
that one alcoholic affects up to 20 people within their area of influence. My own
experience makes me believe that count is low.

You invited her in...set conditions, which have gone unmet...keep the result
simple. If you don't what you get will grow larger than what you have now. All from
experience.

Hope it gets better for you both. In support (((hugs))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Cleo bless you for being so kind hearted.

We do people like this no favors by rescueing them. She needs to feel the consequences of her behavior to grow up.

Did you guys sit down and get some rules/guidelines if she is to live in your "home?"

If has broken the rules, to live there simple. She chose to break them and now does not live there anymore.

The best thing we can do is allow her to figure it all out for herself. She will never get anywhere if everyone hands her everything.

hugs,deb

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The only suggestion I would make is to tell her that you are concerned about her and you will go to an AA meeting with her if she wants to go. You can tell her she doesn't have to live that way and you understand how difficult life has been...but there is hope and she just needs to get the ball rolling by going to a meeting. If she doens't show, then she just isn't ready yet and there's nothing you can do. Thanks for being a concerned friend.

clep · Senior Member

I don't see quite the same as everyone else here it seems after reading the replies. I am wondering what makes you think she has a problem with alcohol? Does she state that?

I used to be the same way as her. I am not an alcoholic. I was suffering from the untreated effects of sexual abuse as well as a physically and mentally abusive childhood. I needed lots of attention and would gain it any way I could. Sharing how many partners I had been with to me was sharing how many people valued me as strange as that may sound. I was 35 before I "got it together". Had I had people around me model behaviors that would bring a different result, I may have changed much sooner. I didn't know any of those people though and wasn't lucky enough to have anyone take me in.

I do agree that she needs to feel the consequences of her lack of wisdom. That really has nothing to do with you. I personally wouldn't care if someone slept around, didn't show up for work or stayed out all night at a friends house.

I rent out a room and have no say in what he does. I can't tell him when to come home or what he should be doing. If he was doing something dangerous to my home or family that would be different, such as bringing different strangers over, stealing, doing drugs or smoking in our home. Other than that it is none of my business.

I would also not be calling to find out where he is or engaging in calls from people looking for him. I am not emotionally involved therefore I just don't care.

I would be looking at why you are bothered by her behavior? It is not okay for her to be not paying rent and buying alcohol. It is clear how she is disrespecting herself, but other than not paying rent I am confused about how her choices are affecting you our your husband. I do feel it was rather rude of her to leave, say she would be returning and not doing that. I remember doing that all the time before. I did it because where I went, there was a man there that could provide me that imagined value I so craved. Nice to find it within myself now. :)

Seems to me you are both overly involved with something that has nothing to do with you and using the fact that she is living with you as a justification to attempt to control her behaviors.

When you asked her to move in did you share with her the expectation that she pay rent, when that would start, and how much that would be? If you have and she is not living up to her end of the agreement you can just ask her to leave. If you haven't gone through this with her, now might be a good time. :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

If she gets so drunk that she blacks out and sleeps with all kinds of inadvisable people, that sounds like an alcohol problem to me. In fact that two bottles of vodka to celebrate sounds like an alcohol problem to me.

It's also clear that you're right in the path of the chaos, because she tells you to expect one thing (like when she'll be back) and instead she goes out of control; you put your credibility on the line to her employer and now that's blown up; and the path you had envisioned, where she gets back on her feet and becomes more independent and eventually moves out is now shot to pieces.

It seems clear to me that the hopes you had of helping her get back on her feet are not working out as expected, and that her life is so chaotic that she's on the way to pulling you into the insanity too.

My guess is that here is where you have to work out what detachment and boundaries would look like for you in this situation. You need to take care of yourself and your household. She can't be helped until she starts helping herself. As always, that's her decision and on her timeline.

Very stressful for you. I'm so sorry this has happened.

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