New to this site...needs suggestions/advice - Al-Anon Family Group

reqforpeace · Newbie

New to this site...needs suggestions/advice

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I only have a tiny bit to say.

My gma moved in with us. She had her own apt. hooked to our house. Even though she was quiet, NOT obtrusive, not an A, it changed the dynamics in our home.

I was a kid and did not find it comfortable. NOT her fault at all.
It did bother my mother some. My mother was very patient and giving too!

From your share I honestly believe what you are feeling is right. You know what it would be like with him living there.

Is it an option for him to be in a rehab home nearer to you instead? I mean if you feel you have to do something?

I feel when we leave our parents, we do that, leave. Hon you don't owe him anything, as sick as he is or as much as you love him.

You are so right to think what kind of influence it would have on your kids, and your whole family. I am glad you are strong and now you need to protect your kiddo's first!

love,debilyn (ps I was always afraid I would find gma dead in her apt! I loved her a lot)

reqforpeace · Newbie

Thank you...I have gotten alot stronger over the years..I've gone from breakdowns at work and just being sad/worried all the time to giving it to God...now, that doesnt say he is not constantly on my mind...This is just so hard..but I thank you for your reply

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome,

This another one to leave up to your HP and let go of it, there will be an answer if you just trust in it. Pray that somehow your Father will be taken care of and he will.

Your in my prayers,

Luv, Bettina

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, how u feel is how we all feel - that we are (overly) responsible for them. i grew up in that dynamic and we become people pleasing, desperate and manipulative creatures that focus on others as a way to avoid us.

Please check out alanon meetings in your area and we also have a chat room, u can talk to ppl live and learn about what they did that helped them.

We have all tried every tactic under the sun, manipulation and love does not and will not ever cure addiction. Learn all you can about enabling and codependency and alcoholism.

Welcome to alanon, u are not alone here!

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome

I have to agree with all the previous posts so far
having anyone come live with you will change the dynamic of your family and not always for the better. My mother always had someone living with us which as a child i felt very uncomfortable with. My husband and i have had almost everyone of my family members live with us at one time or another. I never took into account what my children thought or percieved and I should have.
Taking on your father's problems is not your job. I say that as a parent with 2 grown children. i would never want them to adjust thier lives to suit mine.
You really don't owe that to your dad. i think it is a very loving thing to want to do.
I think the best sugggestion is possibly find your father a facility closer to you, actually i find it rather inappropriate for the counselor to even have asked you to bring your father to live with you..but thats just my opinion
Pray on it your answers will come
In the meantime please do get to some alanon meetings....I think it will open up a whole new way of thinking for you and get you really educated on this disease
Blessings

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Always thinking you should have done more , after many yrs of sobriety your father made a choice to start drinking again , its always hard to say what comes first the depression or the booze they seem to go hand in hand none the less. You have young children in your home bringing a normal parent into the home is hard enough never mind a practicing alcoholic . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself attend as many as you can for a few months ,learn about this disease and how it is affecting your life ,then make your decission based on facts rather than emotion .. your father is being cared for now just let things sit if you can the answer will come to you in time. do the next right thing for you ..

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You can't control his drinking and you wont be able to control it when it's under your roof. He has 2 very serious illnesses now. Alcoholism and Depression. That is an awful lot for any family member to handle. I commend you for being a good daughter, but it's his choices that led him to where he is. I would not want him in the house unless he was in recovery and getting his depression treated. Otherwise, it might cause more damage to your marriage and kids than it will actually help your dad.

I understand having strong values about family and in an ideal world, moving grampa in in his older age would be normal and okay...it sucks that this is not the case here.

Prayers....

Mark

reqforpeace · Newbie

Thanks to all of you for your support, advice and above all.. understanding. Its so hard for others to know what your going through..the tug of war that constantly plays in your head. I hope the answers will come. I've been praying for 5 years now..I really dont know what my HP which GOD has in store. I guess it will be revealed when he is ready.

Thanks again
Renee

pamela0926 · Newbie

I just want to chime in with my understanding and sympathy as I have no more better advice than what you've been told in the previous posts. Your situation is very similar to mine except that it's my mom. All your thoughts and feelings are identical to mine, I have young children as well that I must protect and keep a stable home for.
Big hugs!

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